


Golden Locks, Silver arms

by Caspinn, kalkoenvsneoklak



Series: Sweet Child of Mine [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Asexual Natasha Romanov, Brainwashing, Childhood Trauma, Forced Abortion, Hydra (Marvel), Jealous Bucky Barnes, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Multi, Murder, Psychological Torture, Red Room (Marvel), Secret Relationship, Super Soldier Natasha, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-02-12 08:09:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 52,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12954996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caspinn/pseuds/Caspinn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalkoenvsneoklak/pseuds/kalkoenvsneoklak
Summary: Before she was known as Natasha Romanoff, Black Widow and member of the Avengers, Natalia Alianovna Romanova was an assassin. Trained to kill at a very young age, Natalia is considered the best asset at the Red Room. Getting the chance to train under the Winter Soldier must be one of the best opportunities for her. And indeed, both their lives change because of it. Though, if it's for the better? That's up to debate.





	1. Prolog

**Author's Note:**

> This is supposed to be a short story. Further tags will be added to it. The chapters aren't all written down the same way as with Being A Stark, so uploads will be taking a longer time, maybe once every week. I'm guessing it will be around five chapters, maybe six (since that's my lucky number!)  
> In this story, I've chosen to make Natalia a blonde. Not a natural blonde, but it's mostly for a headcanon of mine.  
> I'm chosing to follow the comics on the matter of Natalia; she's a super-soldier, equally in strength with Bucky Barnes. This leads for her to age a bit slower in comparison to a normal human being. I'm also taking liberties with a couple of other characters. Beware for a possible surprise at the end of chapter 6!

 

Tony Stark receives the file the day he arrives at the tower after his trip in India. There’s no sender, nothing to tell him who it comes from. Not that he needs it; the first page is explanation enough.

"Romanoff, you sneaky girl,” Tony mutters with a smirk. “When exactly did this arrive?”

 _“Peter brought it up about an hour ago before he left,”_ FRIDAY says. “ _Though who gave it to him isn’t exactly clear.”_

Tony pulls up the security footage of when it arrived, seeing a figure standing handing the file to Peter, who doesn’t seem like he’s suspecting anything. He couldn’t even say it’s Natasha he’s talking to. Poor boy.

“Couldn’t even give him a hint, couldn’t you?” Tony mutters to himself. He, of course, recognizes the blonde haircut and is aware Natasha owns the face-mask. “Where’s Peter now?”

 _“He’s at his Aunt's for the next few days_ ,” FRIDAY tells him. Tony nods.

“Alright, let’s read through this, then,” he mutters, opening the file and starting at the very beginning.


	2. Glava Odin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter see end notes. I want to add that I find Natasha Romanoff a difficult character to write. I hope I don't screw her up completely! This story also isn't supposed to be as long as the others in the series, so there'll be time-jumps.  
> PS: Try and guess who Madame B really is ;-)  
> PPS: I am aware that the scene of Nat's parents' death is familiar with Batman's. I honestly hadn't thought of it, but decided not to change it  
> PPPS: sorry for the little lack of chapter right after I posted it; a large part of the chapter had disappeared due to some problems with the OneDrive. Luckily, Caspinn and I always send out our stories in case that happens, so I could recover it! I'm glad, because it was close to 5 pages lost.  
> Anyway, enjoy!

On November 22 in 1958, Natalia Alianovna Romanova, who was at the age of five back then, saw her parents murder happening right in front of her.

It had been an unhappy coincidence; they were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Just because her parents decided to take her to the theatre for her birthday. Instead of going back through the normal street, her father wanted to take a shortcut through a few alleyways.

It only ended up with their throats being cut open.

She cried, of course she did. She did not understand why her parents were just lying there with their eyes wide and the red goo dropping out of their body. She did not understand why her mother’s grip on her hands would suddenly lose its force.

She believed the man when he told her he would help her. She had nobody else, after all. There was nobody on the street other than two dead bodies and the people on their mission. They had been ready to kill her, too, before the man chased them off.

He took her along with him. She did not ask questions as to why they left Stalingrad the day afterwards. Where they went to, she did not know. It was snowing there, and nature looked beautiful. But she had been too sad to really look around.

There were other girls at the facility. They were older than her, stronger than her. They took her in with open arms, adored her for her fiery red curls. But during the day, they went somewhere she wasn’t allowed to follow. So at first, she spent some days on her own. Sometimes a young but strict woman with a high but soft voice came and joined her, asked her a lot of questions. She promised her that she would make of her the perfect prima ballerina.

Natalia liked that idea. She loved ballet, and it was a dream to become a ballerina. She liked their movements, their dresses and hair, and make-up. If the woman promised to give her a chance, Natalia couldn’t but like this woman.

After a while, Natalia was put in classes with the youngest students. They were all around seven years old, all dressed the same way in white clothes and two braids. Natalia’s hair, too, was tied together like that by Madame B. She liked the braids.

In the classes, she was taught to perfect her Russian. But next to that, they also taught her English. French. German. It goes on. Natalia was good with languages, so she learned it fast.

When she’d been in the Red Room, as that’s what they called her new home, for about three months, Madame B took her along for her first ballet class. She was given a maillot and some stockings, and was taught how to put up her hair in a perfect bun. She got lessons apart from the others, so Madame B could put all of her attention to her.

She complimented her, told her she was doing extraordinarily well. That she was really talented. Natalia loved to hear that, and always tried to do better.

Around six months in this place, Madame B told her she was going to teach her how to fight as well. It was to protect herself, to make sure that the bad guys wouldn’t get to her. She believed her, because why would Madame B lie to her?

Natalia liked Madame B a lot. She was kind, had gentle blue eyes and dark brown hair that was always put up neatly. She was young, still in her thirties, but clearly she was respected a lot. According to the other kids, she had been in America for a while for some secret business, but eventually returned to take over the school after the previous headmistress passed away. Barely older than the oldest student, she still had all the kids behind her.

By the time Natalia turned eight, her training had gotten almost three times more intense than previously. She was tested again and again and again, always with the same excuse. She was put opposite to her friends, always taken as an example. They made her watch movies that made her feel a bit weird afterwards. She was given her first gun after her ninth birthday, and she was taken to daily practice with Madame B’s expert.

Her first kill was at the age of ten. She had been sparring with Alina, a girl she was friendly with during her stay there. She wouldn’t call her friend; wouldn’t call anybody friend anymore. Friends made you weak, Madame B said. She told Natalia to always pretend, but never feel.

So Natalia did not feel sad after snapping Alina’s neck with her hands. She failed the test, after all. There was only win or die, and she did the latter, obviously.

The other girls feared her, that much she knew. Even though she was the youngest of her group, she was simply the best of them all. She exceeded in ballet, in self-defense, artillery. To face her during sparring meant certain doom.

Natalia was permitted to go on her first mission when she reached the age of seventeen. By then, Madame B had declared her her most promising student and her best investment in her entire life. There was a promise that, after the mission, Natalia would receive something that would make her stronger than anybody else in this building. Eager to become better, she agreed.

So she dyed her hair brown, cut it short. She took on a false name, and got started on the mission. One name, that was all she got. So she went, did her research, and after two months of luring the man called Petrov Varavev into her trap, she snapped his neck just when he was trying to kiss her underage lips.

That evening, Madame B came through her promise. They made her stronger than anybody. And it hurt, but she never screamed. She was taught not to. Her physique didn’t change, either. While she could easily lift up a car, she still had the body of a prima ballerina.

Looking in the mirror, Natalia smiled. Because she was the best, and she would stay that way.

She never learned that the day after the experiment, the scientist who administered her the serum, the same one that once worked with Dr. Zola during the second World War, shot himself in the head, taking the knowledge of the serum along with him.

 

* * *

 

 

Natalia is walking to her room when she comes across Dina. The girl is three years older than Natalia, outstanding in fighting but less so in ballet. She’s a short blonde with innocent brown eyes but a mean tongue.

Natalia hasn’t seen Dina in a while; she’s been on a mission, as far as Natalia can understand. She’s still wearing her disguise, though she’s pulling off her wig as she’s on her way to her living quarters.

“Was is a success?” Natalia asks, a little snappy. Dina gives her a nasty grin. If Natalia had been less controlled, she would have been ready to snap her neck.

“Of course it was,” Dina responds, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. She swings her hips, pretending to dance seductively as she sticks out her tongue. Another annoying part about this girl is that she has trouble staying serious.

Natalia gives her a blunt stare.

“I like your hair, blonde suits you,” Dina responds. Natalia only blinks at her, not bothering with a reply. Before the girl left for her mission, Natalia had been put on the case. She had prepared herself for it completely, even making her new identity and getting her image ready, only to learn that she was pulled away from it at the last minute.

 _“This case is beneath you_ ,” Madame B had said in that typical high-pitched voice. Natalia can only roll her eyes in her mind upon thinking back on it.

In any way, Natalia decided to keep the blonde hair for now. It might come in handy for next time. She doesn’t like it, not really, but her opinion doesn’t matter at all.

“Oh, before I go, Madame B has asked us to get to the ballroom. Apparently she’s got some news?” Dina says before she makes her turn in the hallway. “I’m just getting changed and I’ll be on my way. Walk together?”

“No thanks,” Natalia responds. She doesn’t wait for a respond, instead turning around to the opposite direction. She comes across a few younger girls in ballet-tenue. They must be around fourteen, eyes hard and mouth put in a thin line. One of them has a small limp. Natalia shakes her head. They seem aware that the girl won’t be there tomorrow. Madame B only wants the best, after all.

Natalia is quiet when she gets in the ballroom. There are a few girls there already. They’re not like Natalia at all. They like to talk about typical girl-stuff, which is really weird to Natalia since it’s not like there are any boys around here to talk about.

Except for Liliya, who likes girls. Nobody knows, but Natalia noticed it easily enough. She’s caught the girl stare at the others during ballet. And she likes to take her chance in grabbing a feel during sparring before she snaps their neck.

Dina is talking with a group of girls when she walks inside. She’s dressed in a tight black shirt and leggings, her hair put up in the usual dot. She’s still smirking, talking about how her mission went. Natalia scoffs internally; it’s her who should have gone, no matter what Madame B says. But she won’t complain. That would only mean trouble, after all.

Madame B arrives five minutes after Dina. Everybody jumps up, standing up straight in the required pose. Head up high, shoulder straight, hands next to the body, face neutral.

“Good evening, girls,” she says, giving them a wide smile, lip stick coloring her lips blood red. “I’m glad you could all be here after such a short notice. Thank you, Dina, for spreading the word.”

“It’s no problem, Madame,” Dina says in all seriousness. Madame B makes her way to the line, stopping in front of Dina. She gives her a wide smile.

“Congratulations on the mission,” she says then. Dina smiles as well. Big mistake.

“Thank you, Madame,” Dina returns. Madame B lets out a small chuckle, reaching out a hand to slowly caress Dina’s cheek.

“My girls, they’re all growing up so fast,” she mutters out, seeming sad. Then, without a warning, she grabs her face in her hands and twists her neck until it breaks. Dina drops down on the ground, eyes now lifeless and smile gone from her face.

Madame B just clears her throat and continues walking. The other girls don’t show any reaction.

“I don’t think it’s necessary of me to explain the concept of _humility_ once again, do I?” she asks.

“No Madame,” everybody says at the same time.

“Good, good. Then I hope I don’t have to hear any of you bragging the same way Dina did.” Madame B sighs, passing Natalia and thus getting to the end of the line. Then she walks to the front, steps graceful as ever. Long ago, she’s stopped coloring her hair brown, revealing the grey strands more and more. Despite that, she still looks beautiful.

 She turns around, giving all the girls a good look.

“We’ve been given an opportunity. A partnership with HYDRA.”

Natalia keeps herself from reacting. HYDRA?

“They have an asset; an assassin known as the Winter Soldier. They’ve agreed to let him train the best of you until graduation. He’s been brought over from Siberia and will be staying here for the following few years.”

In normal circumstances, the girls would be making happy noises. But they’ve been trained in containing their happiness, so nobody responds. Natalia tries to imagine the following few days. Of course she’s heard of the Winter Soldier. A one-man army, appearing and disappearing without ever leaving a trace. Natalia wonders what he can teach them that Madame B cannot. She doesn’t speak up.

“The Soldier will train each and every one of you for a while, but he’ll select one individual that he’ll train further.”

Natalia blinks a few times. The other girls don’t stand a chance, she already knows she’s going to be the one that will be selected. She knows better than to brag about it, though.

“I expect you all to be at your best behavior tomorrow when he arrives. Be here at eight sharp. Everybody who’s late falls out from the training,” Madame B says then. “Goodnight, girls. Somebody take care of that, will you?” She points at Dina’s dead body.

Then she walks away. The moment she’s out of the room, all the girls sag in relief. A few of them make happy noises. Others let out a few tears a they look down at Dina’s dead body. Natalia looks at it, but doesn’t intend on joining in. She decides to stretch for a moment. So she raises her hands into the air before leaning down. With stretched legs, she touches her toes easily.

“I wonder who the soldier is going to pick. Maybe I should try seducing him?” one of the girls asks. Natalia doesn’t need to look to know it’s Nadezhda. She’s the girl who likes to bed her victims before killing them off. If anybody asks Natalia, the girl depends too much on sex to finish her missions.

Of course, nobody asks for her opinion, so she keeps it to herself.

“Who are we kidding, we know who he’s going to take, Nadezh,” Nika says. She puts her hands on her hips and turns towards Natalia. She can see it from the mirror as she continues her stretching. “Oi, Natalia! When the soldier picks you, are you getting in bed with him?”

Natalia stands up straight, turning around to face Nika.

“Surely not you, since you’re the virgin here,” she responds dryly. The other girls start laughing then. Nadezh laughs as well, walking towards Natalia to give her a pat on the shoulder.

“That was a good one,” she says. Though when Natalia gives her a mean look, she pulls her hand away and get away again. “Right, uh, see you tomorrow, girls?”

“Tomorrow, Nadezh!” a few of the girls return. Nika gives Natalia another glare and then hurries off after her. The few girls who take care of Dina start carrying her body out of the room as well. Eventually, only three more are available.

“He’s a ghost story, really,” Irina says to Anastasiya. “Thirty public assassinations in the past twenty years. He’s appeared all over the world; America, Germany, Russia. He’s everywhere, and he’s never caught.”

“Sounds like a good teacher, then,” Ana returns. “I wonder how old he must be now?”

“Nobody knows, nobody’s seen him before.”

“I hope he’s hot,” Ana returns with a smirk. Irina laughs then, putting her hand on her belly as she throws her head back.

“What, you’re going to try and sleep your way into the special training?” she wonders out loud. Natalia can see Ana wink at her. She rolls her eyes and walks up to the music player. After putting the needle on the vinyl, she comes back to stand in the middle of the room.

There are multiple reasons as to why she dances sometimes. Mostly, it’s to keep her grounded, to remind herself that she should unwind once in a while. It’s not that she particularly likes dancing. As a fact, she rather dislikes it now. It’s probably because of all the drilling and the bleeding feet and blisters she used to have when she was a child.

Other times she dances as a statement. A subtle indication to the girls that they should not challenge her. That she’s the best, and that she’ll stay that way for as long as she can. Not that anybody of her caliber will probably come along since no other girl has received the same gift she has. She must have been chosen specifically.

During missions, she dances to appear weaker than she is. Men often see dancers as frail and sensitive. Whenever they see her, they get the strong urge to protect her on the streets during the evening. It’s often then that they least expect her to slam a knife down into their chest.

“Hey, Nat, you mind if we join you?” Irina asks. Natalia shrugs and starts dancing the moment the music starts. Without another word, the two other girls join her. Together, the three of them continue the routine until they decide it’s time to go to sleep.

That night, while the other girls sleep, as usual handcuffed to the bed, Natalia lies awake in bed, wondering what the future might hold.

 

* * *

 

 

The girls are standing in the required ballet-position on that morning. They’re in four rows, four girls in every row. They don’t have a spot where they’re required to stand, so Natalia puts herself on the last row. She doesn’t know why, but feeling like it.

When the door opens, Madame B is talking German to the two men that have joined her. They look old, walking in with a black uniform and a red symbol on their left chest. Natalia wonders if that’s the HYDRA-symbol.

None of these two men look like they could be the Winter Soldier. These men clearly don’t like making their hands dirty; they have fresh manicured nails, their hair neatly combed. Mostly just suits who give orders but have zero experience.

Natalia tries to listen in to what they’re talking about, but it’s in hushed voices. Madame B is calm as ever, pointing towards the group of girls the moment she gets to the front of the room.

“Hier sind sie,” she says in fluent German, voice a bit louder. The two men then look up to inspect the girls. While one stays with Madame B, the older one moves forward to take a closer look. When he gets in front of Nadezhda, he puts his hand on her cheek and turns her face a little to check her out.

“Sie sind in der Tat schön,” the man responds. He has an annoying nasally voice. Natalia already decides she doesn’t trust this man, but then again, she doesn’t really trust anybody except for Madame B, maybe. “Aber, sind sie gut?”

“Sie sind die Besten,” Madame B responds proudly. The man lets go of Nadezh’s face and continues his inspection. When he gets in front of Natalia, she tries her best to stand as still as possible. He smells strongly of his disgusting perfume. Her heart stays calm when he reaches out for her to touch her face. Before he can make contact, though, Madame B gets his attention back, probably purposely. She never really likes her star pupil being touched, after all. “Wo ist der Soldat, Herr Schreiber?”

The man walks away. Through her nose, Natalia lets out a relieved breath. While she can manage well enough during missions, she rather likes not being touched at all. It’s a weak spot of her that she’s managed to hide for now, luckily.

“Er wird bald hier sein,” Herr Schreiber says. Madame B nods then, giving him a wide smile. Natalia can see Madame B doesn’t like this man, either. Right after that, the door opens again. None of the girls turn to look who it is. All they can hear is the sound of heavy boots on the wooden floor as the man walks up to them.

“Soldat,” Madame B says, though in Russian. Herr Schreiber then, too, greets him in bad Russian. It’s then that the other man speaks up.

“You know your mission, Soldat,” he says in a strict voice.

“Yes, sir,” the man says back in Russian, voice neutral and soft. Natalia would have expected something rougher from the soldier. The two men then finally walk off leaving them alone with the Soldier. Natalia’s curiosity gets the better of him and she turns her head slightly, finding a figure with long brown hair standing there, dressed in black clothing. His arm looks like it’s made from metal. On it, there’s a red star.

“Girls, this is the Soldier. You will address him as Sir whenever he addresses you, otherwise you don’t talk to him, is that understood?” Madame B asks.

“Yes, Madame,” the girls say in unison.

“Soldat, I’ll leave you to it, then.” Madame B makes her way to the wall and sits herself down on the chair there to observe. The soldier watches her go for a few seconds, but then looks away again. He inspects the girls from afar, taking his time with everybody. But when his eyes meet Natalia’s, he stops for a moment. There’s no emotion in his stare, nor on his face. Natalia tries to keep her face neutral, not looking away. That would be weak, and she’s everything but weak.

Without taking his eyes off her, he speaks up his instructions. Voice soft but stern, he tells them to find a sparring partner. He doesn’t give more explanation, but lets them do. Natalia looks away when Irina taps her on the shoulder. It’s brave, but when she looks at Madame B for confirmation, she shakes her head. Not a matter of life or death then. Fine, that’s alright.

Irina tries her best to keep up with Natalia, she has to give her that. She even has a small bit of admiration for the girl as she manages to dodge another one of Natalia’s blows.

They keep it up for hours. They’re all sweating by the time the Soldier stops them for one last time. He calls for their attention, his hands behind his back and face devoid of any emotion.

“You, in the back. Your name?” the Soldier asks. Irina and Natalia look up when he points at her.

“Irina, sir,” she says.

“Natalia, sir,” she follows. The Soldier stays quiet before walking towards Natalia, not removing his hands from his back.

“Natalia,” he repeats her name lowly. “Show me.”

Natalia frowns in confusion. What does he want? For her to fight him? To undress?

“I’m sorry, sir?” she asks.

“I want you to try and take me down,” he clarifies, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Natalia, still a bit out of breath, nods. Her heart beats faster all of the sudden, a small fear creeping up on her. She’s never felt like this before fighting anybody. What’s going on?

She thinks she’s unexpected when she starts her punch. As it turns out, the Soldier is prepared for it. With his normal hand, he stops her fist. He turns it around until Natalia grunts from the pain. She jumps along to lessen the hurt, trying to take him from the sides. She’s good with her legs, after all.

Throwing one leg around his neck, she throws her whole body to the ground while expecting him to follow. As it turns out, he’s stronger than she thought. Her eyes widen in the surprise; never has there been anybody as strong as her. She’s always been in a winning match, ever knowing what it’s like to lose.

But now lying on her back with the Soldier leaning over her, keeping arms over her head with his normal hand and using the metal one to hold her by the throat, she tastes the nasty taste of defeat for the first time.

“What I’m here to teach you is not to fight on your instinct. It makes you predictable,” he says without pulling away from Natalia. His eyes are still boring into hers. She doesn’t look away, either. The girls around them suddenly seem to fade away as if he’s only teaching her.

But eventually he pulls away, continuing his explanation. Then he points out another girl and challenges her as well. Just as fast, she’s thrown on the ground, lying in the same position as Natalia has been.

Natalia turns to look at Madame B, to see if she’s disappointed. A small wave of relief comes up to her when she can only see her nod at her with a smile. Apparently, things are going well according to her.

The Soldier declares the session over and walks off without any further comment. The girls who have faced the Soldier are groaning in frustration. The others talk excitedly about what just happened. None of them seem to realize that Madame B is still in the room.

Yet the woman doesn’t comment on it. She looks at them in some sort of amusement, not speaking up as they all leave the room. Natalia, though, stays in place. She feels like a failure. Not even three minutes has the fight lasted. Not even close. She’s been thrown down like she was nothing to the guy. The guy who matches her in strength.

But that means she can prepare herself better next time. Because now she knows she doesn’t have to hold back.

“Sometimes failure is the best way to become the best version of yourself,” Madame B suddenly says from behind her. Natalia turns around and gets in position. “Relax, my precious. It’s just us.”

Still a bit on edge, Natalia tries as best as possible to appear like she’s not tense. Keeping her eyes on Madame B as she walks around in the room, she tries and find out what exactly it is this woman wants. Madame B is often unpredictable.

“You felt it, didn’t you?” she then asks. Natalia nods, knowing exactly what she’s talking about. “Then you know you must do everything you can to get him to select you as his pupil. Make him see what you can do, that you’re better than all these girls. Show them no mercy.”

Natalia nods, looking up when there’s suddenly a hand on her cheek. A shudder goes through her, but she can hide it. She sees Madame B standing in front of her, looking at her as if she’s her most precious child.

“I know you will succeed, my little star,” she says. Natalia nods again and closes her eyes. By the time she opens them again, Madame B is already walking away. Natalia lets out a soft shaky breath, thinking back of all her years spent trying to make this woman proud. She’s not about to fail now.

 

* * *

 

 

The Soldier is never seen anywhere but at the session-room. He walks in three minutes after eight, and he leaves again around noon. He returns, then, at two in the afternoon only to work on until six. After that, he disappears.

Natalia tries to follow him one time. After he leaves, she pretends to need to go to the toilet. She tails him until he’s in the hallway. Then he makes a turn into an empty hallway. Once Natalia passes the corner, he’s gone, which is weird since there are no doors or anything else.

The sessions are intense. He teaches them how to shoot accurately from a far distance, how to reload their gun without ever letting go of the enemy. The things the girls thought they already know are suddenly being questioned, and they’re made to be thinking out of their comfort zone all the time. The girls are put up against each other, and during their fight he would shout suggestions. Other than that, he never speaks. His Russian is fluent, but he’s little on words.

Natalia is also aware that she has his attention most of the time. It’s what Madame B wants, after all. She gives her everything in the sessions, doing all she can to excel in the fights and prove that she’s better than everybody else. Of course, she _is_ the best in comparison to these girls. She might even be better than Madame B, after all.

They’re in their sessions for three weeks when the Soldier leaves again for a short time. He has a mission, according to Madame B. She takes over the class again and goes on like she always does. Once the Soldier returns, he goes on like no time has gotten in between. Nobody asks any questions.

One particular evening, Natalia walks around in the hallway. She has nothing to do right now, so she decides to head to the library to bring back a book that she took from there and intending to get another one. She stops for a moment when she gets at the training room and hears a few people talking in there. She stands still, pressing her back against the wall and turning her head to the side.

“-come here to listen to you praising your girls. I can make my decision just fine, Madame,” the Soldier says. Natalia holds in a breath. She hasn’t really heard the man talk much, but the most surprising thing here is that it’s not Russian.

They’re talking in English.

“I can understand that, but how long will it take for you to make your decision?” Madame B asks.

“As long as is needed,” the Soldier responds. There’s heavy footsteps, nearing the door. Natalia pushes herself away from the wall and quickly heads into the opposite direction of where she was headed. When the footsteps arrive in the hallway, she can hear the Soldier stop.

 _Don’t call my name_ , she thinks. _Don’t notice me._

“Natalia,” the Soldier says. Natalia stands still, raising her head and turning to face the man. She gives him a smile despite the nervousness she’s feeling. What is it with this man getting these reactions out of her? “What are you doing here?”

Natalia opens her mouth, but then stops. What is she going to say?

Then she lifts up the book.

“I came from the library, needed some literature,” she says politely. The Soldier gives her a hard stare, and then takes a few steps forward until he’s standing in front of her. Natalia feels her breath get a bit shaky. She tries not to let it show, but she knows it’s useless.

“You know how you are to address me, girl,” he says lowly. Natalia’s mouth falls open, eyes open wide. How could she have forgotten? She lowers her head and shoulders.

“I’m sorry, sir. I won’t forget again, sir,” she mutters, humiliated that she’s surrendering to him. But it’s what Madame B wants. Who is Natalia to deny her? The woman raised her, after all.

“You better not,” the Soldier says. After that he walks off again, his shoulder bumping against hers. Natalia drops the book, unable to react. She’s disappointed in herself; years of learning how to control herself, in not becoming to overconfident, tonight she forgot herself. She showed cockiness to the person she’s supposed to impress if she doesn’t want to disappoint Madame B.

At first she was sure the soldier was going to chose her. Now, she’s not so sure anymore.

She doesn’t notice any change of behavior in the Soldier at the next training session. He doesn’t call her out, doesn’t give her a harder time in comparison to the others. He doesn’t ignore her, either. Natalia isn’t sure is she should be glad about it, or scared. She decides to be neither and tells herself it doesn’t matter.

She fights the fight, spars against the other girls, and even gets put on a survival mission in the cold snow for three days straight. Only three girls mourn when they hear Ana did not survive the cold, having supposedly broken her neck in a nasty fall.

It doesn’t do much to Natalia. She sees Nadezh cry, face in the palms of her hands and shoulders going up and down as she sobs. She tries and show comfort by gently squeezing her shoulder, but she can’t do more than that.

So she leaves the room, and gets to the small ballet studio. There she turns up the music, and she does the other thing she’s best at.

She dances it all away.

 

* * *

 

 

The fifth month that the soldier is here, only eight of the original eleven girls remain. Having lost Ana, Sofia and Eva has had effect on a few of the girls. But, at the same time the competition is still strong. The training sessions might be brutal, but they’re all going for it.

So far, the Soldier hasn’t made his choice. Natalia knows Madame B is starting to get impatient. He just stays calm and barely answers anybody’s questions. The ice-cold stare from his eyes hasn’t gotten any better, even.

When all of the sudden he leaves for another mission, nobody is surprised. The only remarkable thing is the fact that Irina, too, is no longer in the following sessions. As they work with Madame B, there’s only seven of them.

Three days later she returns, only for Nadezh to disappear. It goes on and on. After Nadezh, it’s Liliya, then Nika, followed by Alina, Diana, Aleksandra. Again and again, they return, seeming frustrated and disappointed. Natalia knows that, whatever the mission is supposed to be, succeeding at it isn’t easy at all.

She tries to prepare herself, dances and trains harder than before. She pushes herself, spending a lot if time in the shooting range, trying out the guns, the bow and arrows, raising a small little knife on a test-dummy.

One particular Friday evening, two days after Aleksandra’s return, Natalia finds herself restless. Training doesn’t get better; she’s already the best. She might even start wondering why she would need it. Why would Madame B want this so much? For once, Natalia allows herself the frustration. She takes it out on the dummy anyway. She hacks, and stabs, and forgets to notice the groans of anger she’s letting out.

When, but he end, she’s completely exhausted, she drops down on the ground the moment the Dummy breaks down, too damaged from all her attacks. She’s breathless, heart beating fast and skin covered in sweat.

She should probably get a shower. Get her act together, pretend this never happened. Nobody needs to know about this. Natalia drops the knife and looks at her knuckles. They’re bruised and open, a little bloody. That’s not good. When she touches it, she hisses at the sudden sting.

That’s when she hears two voices from a little further away. One turn of her head and she can see Nadezhda and Liliya sitting there on the ground, doing their stretches.

“If it wasn’t for all this crap, we could have been on a mission somewhere. I don’t see why he can’t just choose and leave the rest be,” Nadezh complains as she leans forward and stretches her hands until her fingers touches Liliya’s.

“I agree,” she says lowly. “Given how nobody’s even managed on succeeding, I’m wondering what exactly he’s expecting from us afterwards.”

“And I tried my best so hard,” Nadezh mutters. “Nobody has ever been able to resist me. I wonder if he even likes girls.”

“I know I wouldn’t be able to resist you, had I been an ordinary person,” Liliya jokes. Nadezh slaps her on the head but then laughs as well. Natalia lets out a loud breath and decides to stand up. She should get showered.

“Don’t you ever… think about a normal life?” Nadezh then asks. Natalia stops in her footsteps, suddenly wanting to hear the rest.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, just… leave all this behind and build a family somewhere?” she asks. Liliya snorts and shakes her head.

“In case you haven’t noticed, people like me aren’t particularly liked out there,” she mutters. Liliya nods in understanding. The two stand up and try out another stretching exercise. “But, yes, I have thought about it. All I can see is it ending in blood.”

“How so?” Nadezh asks. Liliya shrugs.

“Madame B would never allow it,” she clarifies. Natalia decides she’s heard enough. She puts her weapons back in their place and heads to the door. Nadezh and Liliya don’t notice her in their conversation, which is good.

Passing a hand through her hair, Natalia tries to think the conversation through; the idea of ever running away from here and trying to lead a normal life? That doesn’t sound realistic at all. She can’t believe that could ever happen. Being normal is the same as being weak, after all. What could possibly be good in that?

In the shower, the idea still runs through her head. Somehow, she can’t seem to let it go despite the repulsion of it. To have a little house to herself, with a man walking around there, two, maybe three little brats? A dog? She shudders at the thought. No, thank you.

A look in the mirror after her shower, and Natalia ponders over the blonde hair. While at first she hated it, now she doesn’t particularly dislike it anymore. It makes her look less pale, somehow. It’s why in the past few months she’s been dyeing it again to keep it this way. One day, she’ll get back to red. Just not yet.

Dressed in nothing but a towel around her waist, Natalia leaves the bathroom and heads to the sleeping quarters. Until graduation, they’re supposed to be living here. Now, at the age of twenty-one, she only hopes that she’ll be graduating soon enough. The other girls are already older than her, at the verge of graduating themselves. That’s often happening with a mission somewhere abroad. Natalia can only hope she’ll be sent somewhere good when it’s her time.

She changes clothes in the bedroom, unashamed and unbothered if anybody were to come in. She gets to the mirror to get the product in her hair that makes it curl, and then decides that she’s good to go. It’s cold outside, it always is, but at least there’s no snow. She decides to head out for a while, take in some fresh air. Clear her head.

What she doesn’t expect is to come across the Soldier when she goes to the lake to sit down there. He hasn’t noticed her, staring ahead into the water. Natalia does not dare disturb him. She hides away until he can’t see her if he would turn around. Then she observes.

The man is standing there. He’s not doing anything. He has his hands in the pockets of his pants. As usual there’s a gun attached to his belt and a knife in his back pocket. His hair is pulled together messily.

She gives him a good look, feeling like it’s the first time she can really do that without fearing for him to notice.

She finds that she can’t really describe this man. Now that his messy brown hair has been pulled away from his face, he seems more vulnerable than before. His dark blue eyes are focused on the water, his jaw his set. He’s unshaven, lips drawn into the same line. Despite that, his lips seem to stay full.

If she tries, she could imagine him as an innocent, normal person. She could imagine him smiling, happy, with friends and family. Looking at him here, he doesn’t seem like he’s in his place. The way his hand is balled into a tight fist makes it clear that he’s not particularly at peace.

What is it that troubles _his_ mind?

“Soldat!” somebody shouts. The soldier takes his gun and points it at the person who called for him. The man, a teenager Natalia has seen in passing only a few times before, holds up his hands and swallows nervously. “Das nächste Ziel wurde gefunden.”         

German, huh? He must be from HYRDA, then. Natalia sees the Soldier lower his gun and then nod.

“Danke, Conrad,” he says. His German is shaky, clearly not his mother tongue. He puts his gun back in its holster and kneels down to pick up a stone from the ground. Then he throws it into the water, watching it bounce off until it sinks down.

Natalia is certain that, for one short second, he turns to look in her direction before he walks off with the boy, Conrad. The moment he’s out of sight, Natalia gets away from her hiding spot and moves to the pond herself. It’s not really a beautiful place, if she can be honest. Even in summer, this place doesn’t seem to bloom. But the sun reflects down on the water, and the ducks quack their way through the plants.

She sits down for a moment, letting her finger touch the water. It’s cold, it always is. But it’s refreshing, too.

Eventually she reminds herself that she needs to get back inside. The sun is already lowering, and she figures she’s been outside longer than anticipated. With one swift movement, she gets back on her feet and wipes off her pants.

One turn, and suddenly she’s facing the Soldier. She never heard him coming.

“Sir?” she asks, keeping her face in check. _Don’t show that you’re surprised_ , she’s telling herself. “I was on my way inside.”

“Get your stuff and meet me in the garage in fifteen minutes,” he says shortly. He doesn’t seem to be reacting on finding her on the same spot he’d been sitting only hours earlier.

“What should I bring, sir?” she asks.

“Figure it out,” he responds. Then he marches off, leaving Natalia at the pond with no further explanation. She lets out a long breath and nods to herself. She should listen. Without another word, she follows the Soldier back inside. She doesn’t come across any of the other girls on her way to the living quarters. Walking past all the empty beds, she heads towards the closet that has her clothes. She grabs one of the duffle-bags and puts in some of the clothes. Given that the mission never lasted longer than three days with the other girls, she’s expecting she won’t be needing much clothing.

After that, she goes to the artillery where she gets out a few of her favorite guns. She doesn’t know if she needs them, but better safe than sorry. Grabbing along some more ammunition, she figures she’s as ready as she’ll ever be.

The Soldier is waiting at the car. He’s already behind the wheel, waiting for departure. Natalia can see Madame B standing next to the vehicle. Is she waiting for her? Did she wait for all the other girls, too?

“Madame,” she greets her. Madame B nods at her and gives her a wide smile. Her lips are as red as ever. She lifts up her hand until it’s resting on Natalia’s cheek.

“My little star,” she says proudly. “Succeed where all your colleagues have failed, alright?”

Natalia nods, clearing her throat. She’s not that sure that she will manage what Madame B is asking, since she doesn’t even know what is expected of her.

But she’s sure as hell going to try.

So she gives Madame B a smile and then pulls away from her. Even with her, she doesn’t like the contact. She knows the only reason Madame B is so kind to her is because she’s her best asset. It’s not like the woman actually loves her or anything.

Once seated into the car, Madame B keeps on watching as the Soldier starts the engine and drives them out into the open.

The drive takes a few hours. In those, nothing is said. Natalia looks outside, watching nature passing them by. They pass through a few cities, but they never stay anywhere. There’s only one short toilet break, but even there it’s short and without words.

But after what must be nine hours of silent driving, they arrive somewhere. It’s a hard road they’ve been following for the past forty minutes, but now it seems to come to a dead end. In front of them, there’s nothing but woods and trees. Natalia wonders if she could ask where they are, but decides not to. So far, the Soldier hasn’t given her any indication that she could talk. Besides, it’s not really as if she _wants_ to start a conversation with him.

It’s one of the first things Madame B taught her; if you can’t handle the silence, you can’t handle anything. Natalia’s been through days of silence, being unspoken and having to find things to keep herself busy with. It’s not that hard, she thinks. Talking is overrated, after all.

The Soldier goes to the trunk where he takes out his duffle bag. Much to Natalia’s surprise, he takes out a second one. For a short moment, she’s afraid she brought too little with her. Then she waves away that fear, deciding not to let it control her. She takes her stuff and follows the Soldier into the woods.

The only sound they can hear is their breathing, or their footsteps on the surface of the woods. The twigs crack under their shoes. They’re not trying to be stealthy, so it doesn’t matter anyway. They walk on for twenty more minutes before a little cabin finally appears in front of them.

Natalia watches how the Soldier opens the door. He walks in first, not being a gentleman about it. He drops his stuff and heads to the stove, where he starts up a fire. Despite the summer, it’s always cold here. Natalia gets in and has a quick look around.

The cabin has two parts; one part is the small bathroom where they have a toilet and a tub. There’s a sink, though it doesn’t look that sturdy anymore. There’s a large bed on the left side, not too far from the fire. There’s a small kitchen, though Natalia is surprised that there would even be electricity here.

Without any warning, the Soldier walks back outside. Then Natalia hears some loud noises go off, almost as if there’s a sputtering engine. Suddenly the lights go on; the Soldier turned on the generator. 

“Isn’t that noise going to reveal us, sir?” Natalia asks the moment the Soldier walks inside. The man gives her a blunt stare, but he doesn’t answer. Natalia rolls her eyes and drops her stuff on the bed. Then she eyes the couch, and wonders who will be sleeping where? Given her position, she’ll probably be given the couch.

She picks up her bag again and drops it on her sleeping spot. She can settle that later, she figures. Better first find out what they’re supposed to be doing here.

The Soldier sits down at the table where he unpacks one of his bags. Inside, there’s no clothes. It only consists what looks like a large rifle. As the Soldier assembles it into a full on sniper-gun, Natalia kneels down in front of the fire and tries to keep it going. She blows on the flames, drops down another log. Then she stands up and gets outside.

It’s a short walk before she gets to the end of the forest. From there, she can see that she’s not too far away from a village. Surely, these people here must see that somebody is staying here now? Especially if there’s smoke coming out of the chimney?

Natalia listens as the few birds that are here make up their own song. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and wonders what this place would look like underneath a thick layer of snow. She likes snow, likes winter. While a lot of people prefer the sun and summer and being at the beach, she would rather just hide away in a frozen landscape, would she ever be given the chance.

She’s been taught how to ski, or how to ice skate. She can snowboard, and is aware of how dogsledding works. She’s always taken a special interest in the winter sports, after all.

“Natalia,” comes from behind her. Natalia turns around, seeing the Soldier standing there with his hands hanging next to him. He doesn’t seem angry, doesn’t seem _anything_. He’s just… there, like always.

Natalia nods and turns around. Her eyes never leave the Soldier’s as she walks him by. There’s a big shift in temperature the moment she gets inside, so she takes off her coat and gloves.

Next to the table, now fully assembled, is a perfectly looking sniper-gun. Natalia wants to reach out and touch it, get a look through the scope to see how far it can go. But she doesn’t. She’s learnt not to give in to those impulses, after all.

“Whether or not you get to use this gun depends on the outcome of the mission,” the Soldier says without any emotion in his voice. He almost sounds like a robot to Natalia. With that metal arm, he might as well be one.

“What is it you’re expecting of me, might I ask, sir?” she dares ask, not letting him intimidate her. They don’t smile, both a blank canvas. Neither giving in to the urge to look away.

“I’m expecting for you to succeed, in contrast to your friends,” the Soldier says. Natalia shakes her head.

“I don’t have any friends, sir,” she corrects him. The Soldier just blinks.

“That is a good way of thinking,” he then says. He reaches behind him, and suddenly he’s holding a file. Natalia’s eyes go to it immediately. She knows these files; they’re about targets. She takes it from him and opens it, finding a picture of a man she recognizes from the news. Isaac Asinov

“Politician?” she asks. There’s been a lot of controversy about him lately as far as she knows, but on the other hand she doesn’t really care about the common world. Whether this man is fighting the good or the bad fight, she wouldn’t know. Wouldn’t care.

“Target,” the Soldier says instead. “Currently in the village you just looked at.” He nods behind him, in the direction of where they just were outside.

“Who wants him dead?”

“That’s not your concern, Natalia,” he returns. For a moment, she’s taken aback that he would keep on calling her with her first name. “That gun I’ve assembled is for him. Who gets to use him, depends on what happens tonight.”

“What do you expect of me?” she tries again. The Soldier keeps on staring. Natalia drops the file.

“What did you hear from your colleagues?” This time, he remembers not to call them ‘friends’. He takes a step closer. Too close, Natalia fights the urge to take a step back in return.

“That you might not even like girls,” she says truthfully. The Soldier doesn’t react, doesn’t move. He just stands there, too close to her. His hair is loose again, eyes cold as ice surrounded with dark circles from a lack of sleep.

“Prove them wrong,” the Soldier then says. Natalia gasps for a moment. _This_ is the mission? She has to seduce him? To get him… what? Aroused? What is this supposed to achieve? “If you don’t do it, you can say goodbye to the training.”

Natalia decides to get her act. Madame B asked of only one thing of her, and that’s to not mess this mission up. She’s used sex as a way to succeed missions, she can surely do it again.

But on the other hand, all the people she used to bed ended up killed. By her. With pleasure, since she hates being touched.

Natalia hides away a shudder as she takes a step forward. Without saying anything, she puts her hand on the Soldier’s chest, letting it go up until it’s behind his neck. She moves her face close to his, but their lips don’t meet. It’s teasing for a reason, after all.

The Soldier doesn’t respond. He has his eyes closed, bus his hands are still stiffly next to his body. Natalia rubs her forehead against his chin, letting out a loud breath as she tries out a chuckle. That often works with the men.

But he’s still blunt. Nothing. It’s not like Natalia has been doing a lot of effort for now.

Taking a step away from him, Natalia smirks before she pulls her shirt over her head, dropping it on the ground. Standing there in only her bra, she’s aware that the Soldier is looking at her. She hates him for it. It’s a good challenge.

“You want to touch, don’t you?” Natalia asks before nipping at his chin. The Soldier doesn’t answer, so Natalia takes his hands into her own and puts them on her hips. His metal fingers are cold on her skin. Then, with swift movements, she uses her practiced fingers to open up the Soldier’s pants. He doesn’t fight her. Clearly, she’s getting free rein.

So she lowers her hands into the back of the Soldier’s pants, her fingers getting to his buttocks where she gently squeezes him. The Soldier doesn’t give any reaction. She pulls away, grabbing for his shirt and pulling it over his head. Then, without warning, she pushes him onto the bed without any effort.

That’s when the Soldier’s eyes open up wide.

Before joining him on the bed, she loses her jeans. They drop down on the ground next to the rest of their lost clothes. Natalia kneels down on the bed, slowly nearing the Soldier, eyes never leaving his. She gives him a grin, but he doesn’t reach out, doesn’t do anything.

That’s alright, Natalia can work with that. In one short movement, she’s taken both his hands into hers and she pulls them above his head. The Soldier is pushed onto his back with his arms raised above him. His eyes are open wide, and there’s a shift in his breathing. With just one hand restraining him, Natalia lowers down again to stroke over his skin on his sides. The Soldier then shudders.

“You like it, don’t you?” she asks  in a whisper, mouth next to the Soldier’s ears. “When I take control? You like that I’m strong enough?”

The Soldier doesn’t respond. Instead, he breaks one hand free and puts it on Natalia’s cheek. Then he pulls her face closer to his, and he presses his lips onto hers. It’s a strong, uneasy kiss. The Soldier barely leaves any room for her to breathe as he uses his strength to turn her around. Natalia goes along with it. It’s part of the mission, after all. It doesn’t matter that she hates this man even more now that he’s kissing her.

They somehow start grinding against each other. The Soldier’s hips thrust against Natalia’s, his pants somehow lost in the sudden commotion. He moves, and moves, and thrusts, lips never leaving hers. He gasps, groans, moves faster. Natalia lets him do it. She scratches his back, pretending to enjoy it. After a moment, she even pushes him to the side, taking place on top of him where she continues grinding against his groin.

Normally, Natalia calls out the person’s name as they do this. While pretending to love every single moment of this, she would moan out their name, beg for more, for them not to stop. But now, she has no name. Nothing to call him, other than Sir. So she stays quiet, letting out a few fake moans.

The Soldier seems to be getting closer, given the reactions she’s getting out of him. She wonders if she’s doing well here. Is she succeeding? Or did the girls all go through this as well? Is she just one of the many? Another notch in his belt?

Her answer is given when suddenly she’s pushed away, even before the Soldier can get his release. As she’s turned onto her side, he jumps out of bed, taking a few steps away from her while trying to get his breath back. He doesn’t look at her when he shudders through it.

“I-“ he starts, somehow speechless about it. “You did- you can-“

Natalia sits up. She’s glad she’s not completely naked here. She just takes the blanket and throws it over her body. The Soldier isn’t going to turn around, anyway.

“Get dressed, then we’re going to track down Asinov,” the Soldier eventually says curtly. Without looking at Natalia, he picks up his clothes and puts them back on. After that, he gets to the rifle and takes it into his hands before leaving the cabin. Natalia lets out a long breath the moment he’s out, lying down on her back and looking at the ceiling.

She doesn’t know if she should be happy or not. That evening, Natalia Alianovna Romanova takes down the politician known as Isaac Asinov. A shot taken from so far away that nobody would even think to look where they’ve been.

 

* * *

 

 

Neither the Soldier nor Natalia say something to the others as they return. She won’t be one to brag, remembering what happened to Dina. The Soldier just simply never talks about anything. It stays between them, even when the girls give Natalia questioning glances.

They suspect she failed as well. That’s fine by her; she doesn’t need their approval. She follows the others during the training sessions, not thinking about the fact that the Soldier barely gives her any glances. Since the assassination of Asinov, he’s been quiet, not having spoken a single word to her.

That’s alright. She’s coming closer and closer every day to wanting to spill his gut. For touching her, making her nervous, kissing her… 

By the time summer ends, about a month after Natalia’s mission with the Soldier, the time seems to come for him to chose who he’ll train individually. In the meantime, they’ve been shooting, sparring, surviving. There’s been an exercise where they were bound underwater and had to break free. Everybody made it, surprising enough. After that, there were missions about being buried alive and getting out, spending a week with barely any food or water, or being blindfolded for three days straight with nothing but loud noise around them. The missions are brutal, the one more than the other, but they all get through it.

Except for Nika, who developed pneumonia after the water exercise and did not survive the following week. Natalia did not mourn.

With only seven of them left, the pairs for sparring end up uneven. When the girls get to spar against each other, one is left to observe. This time, it’s Natalia. Everybody knows they shouldn’t go against her, after all.

She might be a bit annoyed that she’s pushed aside, but she doesn’t let it show. She observes Irina with Liliya. They’re good, that’s true. But Irina can get a bit sloppy, and predictable despite the Soldier’s warnings. Liliya knows what she’ll do before it happens. It’s no surprise that their fight ends with Lili on top.

Alina and Diana are ruthless. They’re not holding back, shouting and grunting in anger as they let out all they have on each other. Natalia knows Madame B would not be content with blood on the wooden floor, but these girls seem to forget all about that as they go for each other’s noses. One of them has a bleeding lip, the other is missing a nail. They seem frustrated and are fighting too much on emotion.

Nadezhda and Aleksandra seem to take it slow. They do a few moves, take a few breathers and give each other instructions before going at it again. Nadezh lets Aleksandra kick first and she deflects. Then they turn around. They’re doing good, but they’re not following the essence of the session.

And here stands Natalia, who has nobody to go against. She watches the Soldier walk around, pull Alina and Diana apart before setting then with Nadezh and Aleksandra, switching their partners. Then he moves to Irina and Liliya and mutters something to the latter, who looks up proudly. Irina rolls her eyes, but allows Liliya to pull her up.

They get back in positions. The Soldier stands next to Irina, using his hands to change her stance. Holding her fists higher, her feet more apart. It’s a different fighting technique than the ones they’ve learned. When they start again, Irina shows completely different moves, putting Liliya off on her confidence. It’s not long until their roles are reversed and Liliya is the one on the ground with Irina on top of her. They laugh. The Soldier doesn’t.

He looks at Natalia. She doesn’t turn away. She wants to be useful in this session, to do something. But she’s not getting instructions, so instead she’s wasting her time here.

“Natalia, get in position,” the Soldier suddenly says. Natalia doesn’t question it, instead raising her fists and spreading her feet apart. If anybody were to push her, she wouldn’t fall over. Her long hair is tied together in a messy braid, but there are a few strands loosening and hanging over her face. It doesn’t bother her.

“With pleasure, Sir,” she says smugly. The Soldier gives her an unimpressed look, and from the other side of the room he, too, gets in position. The other girls see what is about to happen, and they make room, taking a few steps to the side.

Natalia starts running without a warning. She heads his way, not getting her eyes off him as she gives him a smirk. He frowns, probably not happy that she’s showing off like that. But it’s enough of a diversion. Just as he’s getting his fist ready to throw the first punch, Natalia throws herself on the ground and slides underneath him, through his legs. Once she’s behind him, he turns around only in time to see her jump up to him.

He uses his metal hand to try and push her aside, but he’s too late. Soon enough, she has her legs wrapped around his neck with his hand stuck as well. She throws them on the ground, letting him try and squirm free. Her eyes open wide when suddenly she’s pulled back up into the air. The Soldier jumps up, letting his whole weight fall down again, this time on top of Natalia, who lets out a gasp for breath and loses the grasp on her legs. The Soldier rolls away at last.

But Natalia isn’t down for too long. Before he can get back to her, she gets back on her feet and runs to the left. Then she turns again, pulling her hair away from her face and trying to get back to her breath.

“Good one, Natalia,” he says, passing his thumb over his lip in search for blood. Then he loosens his neck a bit. The way he’s standing there, he looks like he’s ready to kill her on the spot. Good, she’s feeling the same way here. The two dance around in a wide circle. When the Soldier takes a step to the left, she does the same. When he takes a step forward, she goes back. She doesn’t respond when he pretends to run up to her. She waits for him to react.

Suddenly the Soldier moves, running up to her with such a speed that she barely has the time to do anything. Quickly, she rolls over on the ground, only to have him grab her foot and pull her back. She kicks at him, trying to break free. It’s no use; it’s the metal arm, after all.

She pulls him towards her, making him lose his balance. He drops down, she rolls them over, keeping his metal arm stuck with both of hers as she uses her legs to contain him. His eyes are still stuck in hers, and she knows there’s still a lot of fight left in him, but he opens up the palms of his hands in a sign of surrender. Natalia lets out a loud breath and lets go of him, ready to stand up.

When suddenly she’s pushed back down on the ground with his silver hand around her throat, she realizes he’s tricked her. She grabs for him, trying to get him to let go. He doesn’t, and Natalia feels her face turn red from the lack of air. She coughs, shakes her head. Her legs are still on the Soldier’s throat, so she’s strangling him just as much.

She doesn’t know how long they’re like this, but after a short while she’s starting to see dark spots in front of her eyes. The Soldier, too, seems to be shaking between her legs. He grunts a few times, not willing to let go. Is this it? Is this how they’re going to finish this? Both off them unconscious?

“Soldat! Natalia!” suddenly comes up. Both of them stop in their struggle and gasp for air the moment they’re released. Natalia stays on her back, eyes glassy and looking at the ceiling. The Soldier stays on his knees, but turns away from her when he gets back to his breath. The girls around them don’t say anything as Madame B walks up to them.

She does not look happy at all. Her hair is still loose, and she’s wearing loose clothing. Her hands are on her hips, she clearly didn’t mean to come inside.

“What is happening here?” she asks.

“Training exercise, Madame,” Irina says carefully. “We’re uneven, so Natalia got to spar against the Soldier.”

“That didn’t look like sparring to me,” Madame B says. Her voice is getting higher again. That means that she’s angry. Natalia hasn’t really much heard that tone used on her.

The Soldier stands up at last, face still red and eyes glassy. He shakes his metal arm loose and keeps his head raised up high.

“Madame,” he says with a raspy voice. “I have chosen my student.”

“At last. I trust you won’t kill each other in the meantime?” Madame B doesn’t sound very impressed.

“That’s not my mission,” the Soldier assures her. Then he turns back to Natalia, who is sitting up as well now. Irina holds out her hand to pull her up, which Natalia takes gratefully. “Take your stuff, we’re heading out in an hour.”

Natalia’s mouth falls open. Due to the mutual hate the two seem to feel towards each other, Natalia would have expected him not to chose her anymore. It might be dangerous for them to be together alone for a long period of time. She can’t assure that she won’t strangle him in his sleep, after all.

“Yes, Sir,” she breathes out. Nodding towards him, she takes in a shaky breath. Then the Soldier turns around and leaves the room, gesturing for Madame B to follow him. The girls around Natalia don’t particularly seem surprised at the turn of events. They give Natalia a few pats on the shoulders before each and every one of them starts to make their way out of the room, leaving Natalia alone.

An hour later, nobody’s there to tell her goodbye before she’s once again gone.

It doesn’t matter. She never liked those girls, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Minor character death  
> -Dubious consent  
> \- Murder  
> \- Let's make it clear that, while Natasha does everything consciously, she doesn't like sex at all and hates every moment of it.


	3. Glava Vtoraya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things move forward quickly in the story. The reason for that is because it's not supposed to be as long as 'Being a Stark'.  
> I would like to thank [Aerith_Mon_Kishu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aerith_Mon_Kishu/profile) for helping me out in this chapter. I'm grateful for how much you've supported the story, and this chapter is, while you've read half of it already, dedicated to you ^^

It’s been seventy-seven days and so far, Natalia hasn’t murdered the Soldier in his sleep.

Early in the morning he wakes her up. They break apart the guns and assemble them again, each day faster and faster. After that, there’s target practice. They only stop that the moment she shoots perfectly. It could take minutes, but it could also take hours.

After noon, they spar. Sometimes without weapons, sometimes with. There have been a few times where they’ve accidentally cut each other with knives, but that brings them to the following subject: patching up. Learning how to stitch herself back up, Natalia takes cares of her own wounds and the Soldiers.

Having cut her hair short again helps with the training. It’s less in the way; more practical. The Soldier never mentions it. Instead, in the evening, he lets her walk around in the forest where she’s supposed to try and find him. It’s a constant game of cat and mouse, but there’s never a definite winner since they almost always end up with the Soldier’s hand around her throat and her legs around his, choking each other until one of them gives up.

It goes the same way; neither of them have found any other way to take the other out. Natalia has her gadgets and her flexibility that counters the Soldiers force and brusque movements. It’s not that one is better than the other; they’re complementary, and it’s an endless battle.

During the evening, they cook in turns. It’s never good, mostly just food out of the can. They don’t speak; it’s almost been three months of complete silence. The Soldier only speaks when he has something to remark. Natalia never speaks at all, only nods and hums in agreement.

They go to sleep early. They wake up early. They repeat every day.

Except for the days where the Soldier gets a mission. Then he instructs Natalia on what she’s supposed to do. She prepares herself, they move to the town of their target. Their cover is being a married couple that have their issues. Natalia earns the victim’s trust by talking about her failing marriage. Then she kills them. Sometimes she doesn’t even have to sleep with them. That’s a good mission for her.

But in the few missions that she _does_ have to sleep with one of the targets, there’s always this strong tension in the aftermath as the pair returns to their cabin in the wood to resume their training. Natalia feels horrible for being touched. The Soldier is grumpier than ever, though why that is, she wouldn’t know.

It goes on and on. Natalia never misses with target practice anymore. She can assemble her guns just as fast as the Soldier. She can track the Soldier down in the forest even in the middle of the night. Things are going good, and she expects him to tell her so and leave her again soon enough.

But it’s not good enough. After their fifth mission together, arriving back in the cabin, the Soldier slams the door shut behind them as Natalia gets her heavy coat off. She drops down on the mattress, in the process of taking off her boots.

“You’re not convincing enough,” the Soldier suddenly says. Natalia frowns in confusion.

“Excuse me,” she asks. There’s no ‘sir’ following afterwards. She feels like she doesn’t need to do that anymore. He chose her, after all.

“The man, Ravin, when you slept with him. It wasn’t convincing enough.”

Natalia shakes her head. “I’m pretty sure he believed me well enough.”

“He might have, but others might not, Natalia.” The Soldier comes to stand in front of her, his hands on his hips. Natalia sighs and looks up at him.

“What do you want to do about it?” she asks. The Soldier glares at her.

“It’s part of the training,” he counters.

“I’m doing well enough on my own,” she returns.

“Good enough is _not_ enough!” He slams his hand against the wall and glares at her. “I could see it in you; you hated every moment of it.”

“I’m sorry, but how dare you even stay and look?” Natalia asks, standing up. She doesn’t care if she’s out of line here. The fact that the Soldier has been watching while she was taking care of Ravin makes her feel even worse than before. She holds in a shudder.

“I have a right to observe you, Natalia!”

“But not with that!”

“You better learn your place, girl!”

Natalia keeps quiet, taking a small step back and lowering her head. He’s still her teacher, after all.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she mutters. The Soldier takes her face in his hands and makes her look up again. His grip is strong and lightly hurting her cheeks, but she doesn’t let it show. Natalia’s eyes meet his; it’s weird. The Soldier is showing… emotions? He looks conflicted, somehow? That’s strange.

“I had hoped we wouldn’t have to do this part, Natalia. But I have my orders, and you have yours.”

Natalia nods, knowing what he’s talking about. It’ll probably always be a challenge for her, but they’re right. If she wants to be the best, she has to learn.

“In the following days, I want you to convince me. Make me _believe.”_

“Make you believe what?” she asks. The Soldier lets go of her face

“That you enjoy it,” he clarifies. Natalia shakes her head.

“You know I don’t enjoy it,” she says.

“Convince me you do,” he repeats. After that, he turns around and walks out of the cabin. Natalia watches him leave, wondering what she’s going to do now. Is she expected to take action from now on? Will it come from him?

Natalia prepares some soup afterwards. She eats alone, showers and returns to the main room to find the Soldier still hasn’t returned. She decides there’s nothing much to do now, so she heads to bed.

There she sleeps before the Soldier returns and takes his place on the mattress right next to her, leaving enough space between them.

The following day goes pretty much like any other. It’s almost as if the Soldier has forgotten about it all. They shoot, they hunt, they live.

It’s until that evening that she realizes that he’s waiting for her to do something. He’s on the bed, looking through some of the files that came in through the fax. He’s not paying attention to her, concentrating on the papers in front of him. Even when Natalia asks him if he wants something to eat, he doesn’t respond.

Like he’s waiting for her, he re-reads the same paper for probably the fourth time. Natalia wonders if she needs to act immediately, on the spot. But she wouldn’t know where to start. With targets, it’s easy. They’re expecting to get laid, expecting to have the woman flirting with them no matter how disgusting they are. But with the Soldier it feels weird, wrong. He’s too aware, knows too much. How could she ever possibly convince him?

Instead of taking action, Natalia grabs her coat and walks back outside. It’s snowing, the winter getting back in the country. The flakes land on her face as she walks through the open space in the forest. At the edge of the small cliff that gives her the view to the city, she sits down. Ignoring the cold is manageable. She’s been trained to withstand worse, after all. She puts her hands on the ground, and watches the winter do its work on the small city further away. It’s too far to see the people, but she can imagine the children running outside, happily. Having plans on building snowmen or making snow angels. Their mothers standing at the doors, telling them to dress warmly or get back inside.

Being normal. Something Natalia will never know.

She doesn’t startle when there are footsteps nearing her. She would have expected for the Soldier to follow her, after all. She probably shouldn’t have run off like that, but it’s not like she’s gotten far, after all.

Silently, the Soldier sits down next to her. He lets out a long breath, watching the clouds form out of his mouth. He reaches out his metal arm to the air in front of him, letting one of the snowflakes drop down on his fingers.

“I don’t feel it,” he says, pulling his hand back. He looks at his hand, moving his fingers for a few seconds before lowering his entire arm again. The wind blows his long hair in his face. “The snow, the cold. Or maybe I do, but I just don’t realize it anymore. I don’t think I feel much, anymore.”

Natalia looks up to him. The Soldier doesn’t appear particularly sad or anything.

“That’s what they wanted of us, didn’t they?” she asks. The Soldier turns to her as well. He blinks a few times, lips pulled in a thin line. “They wanted machines.”

“Do you not want to feel anything, anymore?” he asks. Natalia sighs in return.

“I don’t want anything. I don’t get to _want_. I get to do what is asked of me and not ask questions.”

The two turn back to the city, looking at a pair of deer wandering on an open field. Natalia wonders how long it’ll be before a hunter kills it without a single thought. Maybe she’ll be the one to do it, too.

“What are your orders now?” the Soldier asks all of the sudden.

Natalia shifts a bit, scratching her nose when a nose flake lands on top of it. “My orders?”

“You said that you do what you’re asked without asking any questions. Now, what’s asked of you?”

Natalia sighs.

“To convince you,” she says in return.

“Are you experiencing difficulties?” he continues. There’s hair blowing in his face, but he doesn’t pull it away. Instead, Natalia reaches out and takes the strands of hairs to put them back behind his ear.

“I’m not,” she lies. She’s surprised by the lack of action coming from the Soldier when she touches him. It’s his left side. If he’d startled, he would have grabbed her with his metal hand. He might have broken her arm had they not been careful.

“Stop hesitating. It’s just training,” the Soldier assures her. Natalia frowns, a little put back from the vote of confidence coming from him. He’s never been one to assure her that all will be fine. The Soldier is more one of silent disappointment and grunts. This? This is unexpected.

“How do I know this isn’t just you wanting to get laid?” she dares to ask in a whisper. Their faces are turned to each other, close together. She can feel his breath on her skin. His cheeks are red. So is his nose, and his ears.

“You don’t,” the Soldier returns. Natalia snorts, shrugging. _Fair enough_ , she tells herself before leaning in and pressing their lips together at last. She feels no warmth, no joy. She feels nothing as their tongues rub up against each other. Her hand is on his chin, and his is behind her neck. They’re breathing heavily together, much like every kissing couple does. The only thing different here is that these two aren’t _in love_.

Natalia still pretty much hates the guy. When they stand up, they pull apart at last. The Soldier gives her a long look before walking inside. She frowns, wondering if she did something wrong.

As if he can ready her mind, he calls out after her. “You have yet to convince me!”

Natalia then finds herself smirking, somehow. _Oh, I’m going to convince you, alright_. Then she hurries after him until they’re inside again.

 

* * *

 

 

Valeria is at a protest. She’s holding a banner she made with Damien’s help, and as she shouts the same thing everybody else shouts, she allows the wind to blow into her blonde hair. She lets the sun shine on her skin, enjoying the warmth. Behind her, there’s Dimitri. It’s her brother, who never looks happy. She only barely managed to convince him to come along this time, wanting to prove a point. Dimitri had been reluctant, but eventually agreed. Despite the summer heat, he’s wearing a coat and gloves. His long brown hair is greasy. Somebody gave him a flower crown, which he has yet to remove.

Valeria smirks as she looks at him. One of her hands, the one not holding the banner, is grasping Damien’s. Their fingers are tangled together, their sides pressed close. Once, Damien turns to her to kiss her lips. She allows him.

Her hair’s longer again. Not as long as the other girls, but long enough to have a few braids put into them. She has a small flower crown of her own. Janice gave it to her before they marched here. Valeria likes it, it makes her look like she’s one of them.

“Dimitri! Lighten up!” Valeria shouts. Dimitri giver her a glare, but doesn’t respond. Valeria just rolls her eyes and turns back to Damien and allows him to kiss her again. This time, she pushes forward as well, allowing his tongue to touch hers. When he takes his hand off the banner to put it on Valeria’s bare stomach, she doesn’t react to it.

She’s aware that Dimitri is watching. That’s alright. Even as Damien is raising his hand, higher and higher until he’s underneath her shirt touching her bare breast, she lets him watch. She wanted to make a point, after all, didn’t she?

Nobody’s really surprised when the police puts an end to the whole event. As the people in the front are getting arrested, the ones in the back make their escape. Valeria drops the banner and allows Damien to pull her along. She trusts Janice and Dimitri are close behind her.

They’re high. Or, at least, Damien is. Valeria didn’t take enough for it to cloud her mind. Even as they run back into the squeaky apartment Damien calls his own, Valeria is very much aware of every step she’s making. When Damien pushes her against the wall and starts to undress her, all she does is moan.

“Damien,” she whispers, ignoring the two other figures entering the room. She doesn’t care at all, instead giving Dimitri a smirk when he glares at her. Especially when Damien sinks down on his knees and starts having his way. Valeria chuckles and makes a few high-pitched noises, suddenly overstimulated by the man’s tongue touching her.

“Gon’ make you feel good, sweetheart,” the man says. Valeria throws her head back, enjoying the all-American accent he’s giving her. She bites her lips, balling her hands into fists. On the couch, she can see Janice trying to seduce Dimitri. The man doesn’t respond, simply staring at Valeria. When Janice attempts to take off his shirt, he stops her a bit too harshly. Pushed on the ground, Janice starts laughing. She’s high, too. Instead, she opens up Dimitri’s pants, takes him out and does her own thing. Valeria then turns away again, putting her hands on Damien’s head and making sure that he’s staying down there.

She moans, yelps, and laughs when she’s suddenly pulled up again and almost thrown on the ground. Damien moves up to kiss her on her lips, making her taste herself. Valeria bites his lip when he pushes into her.

It’s not too long until, suddenly, Damien’s pushed away again. Valeria opens up her eyes in surprise, suddenly seeing Dimitri standing there next to her with murder in his eyes. Damien is lying on his side, completely disoriented.

“What the-?” he asks in confusion.

“You never heard about protection, did you?” Dimitri asks angrily. Then he pulls out his gun, and barely even pointing it at him before pulling the trigger. There’s a loud bang, causing for Valeria’s ears to start ringing. Blood spatters over her face. Before Janice can start shouting, he turns towards her and shoots her in the face as well.

Valeria stands up after that. She pulls her top and skirt back down to cover herself up again, and then she pushes the Soldier against the shoulder.

“What the _Hell_! I had this covered!” Natalia shouts angrily, in Russian now. It’s no use pretending now, anymore. There’s nobody here alive that she needs to convince.

“No, you did not!” the Soldier shouts back angrily. Natalia takes a step back, putting her hands on her hips and giving the Soldier a long look.

“Excuse me? I had him wrapped around my finger!” she shouts at him, holding up her pinky to accentuate. “Isn’t that what you wanted? You wanted me to convince you that I could do it! Wasn’t this proof enough?!”

“You don’t allow men to enter you without protection, Natalia!” the Soldier shouts back. Natalia laughs bitterly.

“You can’t be serious?”

“Have you ever seen me in a joking mood?” the Soldier counters. Natalia throws her hands up and turns around. All in all, their mission is still over; the targets are dead. She looks up at the ceiling, biting her lip as she tries to keep herself calm.

“Look, it’s done. We should get out of here before anybody calls the police.”

Facing the Soldier again, she can see him nod. It’s been a weird few couple of months since she’s been in training with him. Now at the age of twenty-three, she’s practically graduated as it is. But somehow, the Soldier doesn’t think she’s ready enough. He keeps by her side, keeps on finding things that she’s doing wrong.

It’s not always so bad with the Soldier. Sure, the guy still makes her feel nervous whenever he’s around and he can get extremely angry from time to time, but he never purposely hurts her in any way. Somehow, he’s shifted from a trainer to a complete mentor. Natalia finds herself trusting the Soldier. She likes to think that the Soldier trusts, her, too.

Together, the two clean up the blood from Natalia’s face. Her shirt is a hopeless case, so the Soldier hands her his coat for now. Then the two take the back door to get outside. Without being seen, they manage to get back into the streets where they link their hands together and walk on as if they’re the happiest couple anybody can imagine.

But despite their smiles, their conversation isn’t as happy.

“It was completely unprofessional,” Natalia says after getting another speech from the Soldier.

“From your part, it was indeed,” is what the man says. When an agent turns to look at them, the two smile at each other and kiss shortly. Another man passes them by with an annoyed sigh. Once the agent looks away again, the two pull back and continue. “Being careless like that just to prove a point.”

“I was not careless,” Natalia snaps back. She throws her hair back and puts her head on the Soldier’s shoulder. When an old lady smiles at her, she smiles back, looking at the Soldier lovingly. “I know exactly what I’m doing.”

“You’re only thinking about pregnancy, aren’t you?” The Soldier guides them to another street. There they get to a market place. A lot of people here. “You need to think about the bigger picture.”

“What, chlamydia? Is that what you’re afraid of?” Natalia stops at a stand to accept a sample of dried fruit. As she eats it, she discovers that she finds it disgusting. Instead, she pretends to love it. “Oh, honey, you should taste this!” Then she takes another and pushes it into the Soldier’s mouth.

“I don’t-“ the Soldier starts, but he’s quickly interrupted. He makes a disgusted face, and the woman behind the stall looks disappointed. “It’s a bit… bitter.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s really for us,” Natalia says gently. Then she pulls the Soldier along with her. “So, what, you read in the papers about the increase of Chlamydia and suddenly it’s all you’re thinking about?”

“I think Madame B might try and have me killed if I would get you stained like that,” the Soldier counters. Natalia throws him a glare. When she gets another free sample for a piece of meat, she refuses gently. The Soldier, on the other hand, takes a piece and pulls Natalia along again. Eventually they get in the street of the house they’re renting. They hurry inside, greet the owners of the apartment, and then close the door behind them.

“And how can I be sure _you_ don’t have any diseases?” Natalia asks as she takes off her stained clothes. Unbothered by her nakedness, the Soldier removes his heavy sweater as well. He stretches his arm a bit.

“I don’t sleep around,” the Soldier returns. Natalia rolls her eyes again, giving a look at her own reflection before getting dressed again.

Over her shoulders, she can see the Soldier standing with his back facing her. She has a view of the muscles on his shoulders, the massive scar where the metallic arm and skin meets. So far, she’s never seen it up close. Even when they’re doing their stuff, he always insists on staying dressed.

“Can I finally know why Damien and Janice were targets?” Natalia asks again. She can see the Soldier tense up in the reflection, but she doesn’t let it bother her. The Soldier turns around, coming to stand behind her. He doesn’t touch her, looking her reflection straight in the eyes.

“You know the answer to that already, Natalia,” he responds. Then he walks away again. Natalia rolls her eyes, moving to her bag to take out some new clothes. Something less like the protesters on the streets. Finding a short white skirt and a jean jacket, she changes quickly.

Once she’s changed, she heads to the fire escape. There she pulls up one of the cigarettes and lights one up. It’s not that she needs one, but it helps with her image. Especially when one of her neighbors catch her. They wave at her, and she smiles and waves back. The more normal she looks, the better.

Eventually, the Soldier joins her again as well. He sits on the metal stairs, taking Natalia’s lighter from her to light up his own cigarette. Silently, he breathes in the smoke around them before leaning forward to kiss Natalia. She lets him, because the neighbor is still watching them.

“I got a fax from Madame B. We have one more mission before you need to return to Russia.”

Natalia nods, silently regretting that she needs to leave America again. She rather likes it here; it’s a lot less cold here, for starters. She actually managed to get tan even from just being in Washington. The people are seeming always happy, though they’re mostly protesting about the gay rights and feminists. Natalia keeps herself out of that, only pretending to agree when it’s important to the case.

Just like it was earlier; Damien and Janice Rotan, two cousins, known activists that support gay rights and aren’t afraid to show it. Or… that’s supposed to be past tense, since the police is now probably looking at their bodies as they speak.

“What’s the next mission?” she asks. “Who do we need to kill?”

“Nobody,” the Soldier responds, putting the cigarette back to his mouth. His eyes inspect her quietly. After blowing away the smoke again, he clears his throat. “We need to go to New York, check out some technology.”

Natalia sighs. It doesn’t sound like a mission for them. Couldn’t one of the younger girls do this?

“What sort of technology?” she asks.

“You ever heard about Anton Vanko?”

Natalia shakes her head. She hasn’t particularly been listening to the news.

“A few years ago he was accused of espionage and he was shipped off back to Russia. But before he left, he worked on something with Stark. We need to figure out what it is.”

Natalia looks at him with raised eyebrows. Then she sighs again and shrugs.

“Alright, then,” she agrees at last.

“You need to do this one, alone.”

“What?” Natalia frowns at him. She pulls herself back up, throws the remains of the cigarette down and gets inside to get some water. The Soldier follows her in.

“I am not to come in contact with Stark,” he repeats. Natalia understands even less now. “I’ll come to New York with you, but you’ll have to infiltrate Stark Industries on your own.”

The two look at each other, Natalia holding a glass of water in her hands as she leans against the refrigerator.

“Let’s form a plan, then,” she finally agrees. The Soldier nods, and they pull out Howard Stark’s file.

 

* * *

 

 

Natalee Rosen walks into Stark Industries looking very much like any person would do on a job interview. She’s wearing a beige skirt that goes up to her knees, and a grey jacket on top of it with  white blouse underneath. There’s a red hat covering her bright blonde curls, which are now coming closer to white. Her lips are bright red, but her earrings are subtle.

She nods at the security, holding up the badge she acquired earlier at the reception. The man gives it a long look, but then nods and allows her to enter through the hallway. She follows the instruction she’s gotten, taking another look at the paper the receptionist gave her.

_First hallway to the left, then take the elevator up to the top floor where she has to sign in for the interview_. She can do that. Carefully, she presses the button for the elevator. The Soldier is somewhere around the building, keeping an eye on things when she can’t. They can’t communicate, it’s too dangerous around a man like Stark who knows technology when he sees it.

“Good morning, Mrs. …?” the woman at the reception asks when she walks out of the elevator. Natalee holds up the badge and smiles.

“Rosen, I’m here for the job interview of Mr. Stark’s Personal Assistant?” she asks. The woman nods and points at a chair.

“I’ll let him know you’re here. It’s really lucky that you could come in such a short notice. It was really a surprise when his last assistant had to leave.”

Not really, since she fell off the stairs and possibly broke her spine. Of course, Natalee has nothing to do about that. It’s all the Soldier’s fault. They needed an opportunity, so they made one.

“I’m glad to get the chance,” Natalee says with a smile. She then nods at the brown-haired woman again and goes to sit to her intended seat. There she crosses her legs and puts her hands on her lap. Just for a few seconds, then she fumbles into her bag and fishes out a mirror to check her appearance. After that, she puts that aside again to take one of the magazines on the table.

Before she can read through them, the receptionist calls her up again.

“Mrs. Rosen? Mr. Stark will see you, now,” she says. Natalee looks up and smiles again.

“Thank you,” she says, sounding a bit shy as she chuckles. The puts the magazine down, takes her bag and heads to the door that has Mr. Stark’s name on it. There she knocks three times, carefully.

“ _Come in!”_ he shouts. Natalee opens the door, greeted by the white bright light of the open office space in front of her. With a view of the city behind him, Natalee figures she would like this spot for an office as well.

“Good morning, Mr. Stark,” she greets him shily. Mr. Stark stands up and walks her way.

“Ah, Mrs. Rosen, I hope you found your way alright?” he asks. Natalee accepts his handshake and nods. When he pulls away and turns to head back to his desk, she notices the wedding band on his finger. Of course, Natalee knows about him being married. Maria Stark, the woman is called. They have a son, Anthony who is about six years old now.

“I had no problems, no,” she says in agreement. When Stark motions for her to sit, she listens.

Had this been a few years earlier, things would have been much easier. Knowing Howard Stark’s past as a womanizer, seducing him wouldn’t have been a problem. The fact that he’s been married for almost ten years is proof enough that those days are now behind him. Natalee had to find something else then.

On the other hand, she needs to remind herself that this man is not a target. Not having to sleep with him helps with the not-killing part.

They talk about her accomplishments. They’re all fake of course, but she and the Soldier are good at forging stuff. They even had a wedding ring made that she’s wearing right now, where her and supposed husband’s names are written down with graceful letters. Natalee and Jonathan Rosen, married only one year ago.

Mentioning her past jobs, even Howard Stark seems impressed when he asks her about her knowledge in other languages. It doesn’t take long for him to hold out his hand with the news that she’s accepted on the spot.

“Really, even my last assistant could barely manage French, the fact that you speak close to six languages alone is enough to convince me,” he says. Natalee blushes and nods gratefully.

“Thank you, Mr. Stark. When can I start?” she asks.

“Tomorrow too soon? I have a busy week and I really need my assistant,” he tries. Natalee nods then.

“Tomorrow is perfect. My husband will be glad,” she says. Stark laughs it out and starts signing a form.

“You’ll have to bring him at the gala in a few weeks, then,” he says. After finishing his signature, he holds it out to Natalee. “You can read through this and then sign if you agree. It’s your contract, goes up to a year for ow, and we’ll see if you want to continue afterwards.”

“Alright,” Natalee says, reading over the words quickly. It doesn’t matter, anyway. Natalee Rosen doesn’t exist, even if they’ve done their damnest hard to make it look that way. Just as she’s about to sign, there’s another knock on the door. Before Stark can respond that he’s busy, it opens. A child comes running inside, followed by a tired-looking woman with dark brown hair.

“I’m sorry, Howie, I wanted to ask Jarvis to look after him but he out to do the groceries. I hope you don’t mind?”

The child comes climbing up on Stark’s lap and starts looking at whatever’s on his desk. It’s clear on the look on Stark’s face that he’s not happy about it.

“Maria, can’t you see I’m working?” he asks angrily. “Tony! No, let go of that!” He pulls the phone out of the child’s hand and puts it back on the receiver. The child looks up with wide eyes, looking startled.

“I know, Howie, but I need to leave now! Peggy will come in about half an hour to pick him up. Good morning, Mrs. …?”

“Rosen,” Natalee says, standing up and holding out her hand. “Natalee Rosen, I’ll be Mr. Stark’s new personal assistant.” Maria Stark accepts the handshake, though looking a bit confused. Natalia takes in the woman in front of her, seeing something that looks pretty much like an Italian descent. Dark, wavy hair with a few grey strands with it, deep brown eyes and a slightly tanned skin. She looks beautiful, like a movie star.

“It’s good to meet you, Mrs. Rosen. I’m sorry in advance if you’ll be put on babysitting-duty. Our butler often looks out for Anthony, but there are a few occasions when he’s not at home.”

Natalee shakes her head. “That’s alright, Mrs. Stark. I’ll gladly look out for the boy.”

That’s a lie. The idea of having to look after a child makes her nauseous on the spot. But it’s not a matter of what she wants when it’s for the sake of the mission.

“Tony! What are you doing?!” Stark suddenly shouts out. Natalee and Maria turn around to see what’s happening, seeing that the boy accidentally dropped a few files. He starts to pick them back up, but Stark shakes his head and picks the kid up before dropping him back on the couch next to the window. “Just sit here, don’t move. Aunty Peggy will be here soon enough.”

After that, he kneels down to take the papers from the ground. The kid on the couch starts sobbing, and alarm bells start ringing in Natalee’s head. Not because she has the urge to co and comfort the kid, but because she wants out of the room as quickly as possible.

But she ignores that. As Mr. Stark starts cleaning up his son’s mess, Natalee walks up to the boy and kneels down in front of him. Looking into his deep brown eyes, she offers him a smile and takes his small little hands into her own.

“Hi there, I’m Natalee, but you can call me Nat, okay?” she asks. Anthony gives a shaky nod and sobs again. Natalee reaches out her hand and wipes away a few tears. “Don’t be sad, okay? Just try and be a little bit more careful in the future.”

Anthony nods, taking the hem of his shirt and fumbling with it. Natalee then passes a hand through his hair and stands up again. She smiles at Stark and Maria.

“I’ll come back tomorrow then, if that’s alright?” she asks. The CEO nods at her with an uneasy expression on his face. Maria nods as well.

“It’s good, Mrs. Rosen. I’ll see you here at eight tomorrow then,” Stark says. Then Natalee takes her bag and moves back to the door where Maria is still standing.

“Do you mind if I walk with you? I’m going the same way,” she explains.

“Of course, M’am,” she responds. After that, Maria hurries back to her son to give him a quick kiss on the forehead.

“Be good, Anthony. Try not to disturb your father, alright? I brought your circuit board, it’s in your backpack.” Anthony takes the bag she’s handing him and dives right in it. Natalee waits for Maria to return to her, and then the two women leave the office.

Maria Stark isn’t a woman of many words. Their way to the elevator is filled with silence. Maria greets a few of the people that enter the elevator, and sings a document when she’s asked. Natalee just observes this calm woman next to her. Being married to Howard Stark, she would have expected her to be… different? More… she can’t describe it. Somebody who would have married for the money. As it turns out, Maria Stark actually seems to care for her husband. How did that happen?

“Mrs. Rosen, if you’ll allow me, I can give you some files on Howie so you can get started tomorrow. With all that he’s working on, he can never remember anything. It’s mostly his agenda, but also his business partners and so forth.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Stark,” Natalee nods, taking the papers from the woman. She really came prepared, Natalee thinks. “Is there anything in particular I need to know?”

Just when the elevator door opens, Maria nods. She starts walking out and waits for Natalee to follow her.

“Yes, it’s about our son, Anthony,” she starts. Natalee takes a deep breath, but keeps up the smile. “He’s… smarter than other kids his age. Might even almost be on the same level as his father, but as it is, Howie’s not really… comfortable around children. Not even his own.”

Natalee can relate to that fact. The memory of the little kid running around in the office once again makes her question why some people have children.

“I’m trying to let them have at least a little time together, just for the sake of Howie trying. But it’s not easy. I just want to ask you not to think I’m dumping my kid on him because I don’t have time for him. I just…”

“Wish they would get along?” Natalee asks. Maria nods. Then she looks at her watch.

“Oh my, I need to leave now! Welcome to Stark Industries, Mrs. Rosen! I’ll see you soon!” After that, Maria waves at her and starts walking away. Natalee waves back, but says nothing in return. Right when Maria Stark has left the building, Natalee, too, gets herself to the door.

She has to report to the Soldier, after all.

Natalee takes the bus. There are plenty of other people on there as well, but nobody really spends a lot of attention to her. She lowers her gaze and takes a look at her polished nails before turning to the golden wedding band. It’s a simple thing; they didn’t want to pay too much money for it.

“Hey Sweety, you look really good today,” somebody says. Natalee looks up, seeing a man eyeing her a bit too much. He has a nasty grin on his face, and Natalee states that he’s close to forty maybe. She’s been with older for the sake of missions, but the idea of being flirted with like that horrifies her silently.

Natalee turns around so she doesn’t have to face him anymore. The bus shakes, making it a bit difficult to stand without holding on to something. Clearly, the creep seems to take that as his opportunity. With the next bump on the road, he falls forward, his hands ending up none-too-coincidentally on her ass.

She wants to turn around and give him a piece of her mind, but suddenly there’s a dark shadow moving in front of her. Wait, no, not a shadow; it’s an arm. Somebody wearing a long sleeved, black shirt. The look on the Soldier’s face can only be described as ‘murderous’.

“Hands off my wife,” he warns him. The man stares back with wide eyes, seeming to feel all too well that the grip on his wrist is stronger than it should be. After a soft touch on the shoulder from Natalee, the Soldier – or Jonathan in this case – lets go of the guy and throws his arm around his ‘wife’s’ shoulder. Natalee just plays along, resting her head against Jonathan’s chest.

“My hero,” she jokes. Jonathan just grunts but doesn’t say anything else. They stay that way until they’re at their stop. Jonathan pulls Natalee along the moment the bus stands still, and with their hands still linked together they make their way down the street.

Then Natalee clears her throat.

“I had it covered, Honey,” she says, keeping her voice calm but speaking in a way that makes clear that she’s a bit irritated about it. “You need to stop following me, I’m capable of taking care of myself.”

“I’m not following you, I just took the same bus as you did,” Jonathan responds dryly. He doesn’t look happy. Natalee has never _seen_ him happy.

“I’m not comfortable with you staking out around Stark Industries while I’m working,” she warns him. “We might be compromised.”

When a group of teenagers pass them by, Natalee and Jonathan go to stand to the side and let them pass. After that, an old woman’s dog happily starts to jump against Natalee’s leg in search for some attention.

“I’m sorry, he’s very excited,” the woman excuses herself. Natalee waves it off with a smile and kneels down to pet the dog a bit better. The animal rolls itself over onto his back, happily barking as his tail waggles all over the place.

After a while, Jonathan clears his throat. Natalee does the same, getting back on her feet and saying her goodbyes to the woman. They go forth on their way. Jonathan takes out the key to the apartment. Once he opens the door, he lets Natalee walk inside first.

When the door is closed behind them, Natalia lets out a long breath and starts stretching her arms. Enough pretend, they’re alone again. With a groan, she takes off the stupid jacket and her high heels. Then, in bare feet, she goes towards the kitchen in search for something to eat. If the Soldier starts up a cigarette, she doesn’t mention it.

“Mission report?” he eventually asks. Natalia rolls her eyes, but eventually takes a bottle of coke out of the fridge. She closes the door, and then goes to lean against it as she opens the bottle.

“I’m Stark’s newest assistant. Even met the kid. I’m still not sure why we don’t want him dead?”

“We just need to know how far he is with the serum,” the Soldier warns her. Natalia rolls her eyes before putting the bottle to her lips. “You were talking to the wife. What did she say?”

Natalia sighs but drops the bottle again. “You’re a creep, you know that?”

Oh, to think that only a few months ago she would have been scared to even think about the man this way. It’s clear that he can tolerate her more, now.

“I need to keep an eye on things,” the Soldier clarifies like he always does. Natalia snorts. She drinks from her coke again as she takes graceful steps forward and drops down on the bed. If her skirt has rolled up a bit, she doesn’t care. It’s not as if this man hasn’t seen her naked before.

“If one of the employees start feeling me up, you’re gonna swoop in and protect me, too?” she asks mockingly. The Soldier glares at her. He puts the cigarette between his lips and stands up. Natalia watches how he walks up to her. The moment he’s close enough, she reaches out for the cigarette to take it from him. He doesn’t stop her.

“They shouldn’t treat you like that,” he mutters.

“Like what?” she asks in return. She lets out the smoke from her mouth, not startling anymore when the Soldier reaches out his hand and lets his fingers travel over her arm. Oh, it’s time for _that_ again? Has she still not convinced him?

“Like you’re just an object of lust.”

_And what is this? What am I to_ you _?_ Natalia closes her eyes, stretches her arm until she can put the bottle aside, and then rolls until she’s on her back. Right now, she doesn’t really think it’s about convincing the Soldier anymore. To her, it’s more like he needs this, now. She doesn’t know what exactly he has to gain from this, but… she respects him enough to help him out. So when the Soldier climbs up on the bed and lets his lips meet up with hers, she lets him. She puts a hand on his cheek, lets him take the cigarette from her again. Then she lifts her right leg allowing the Soldier to fit between. Their hips are pressed together already, but they’re still clothed.

It’s going to be a slow one. Natalia can live with that. Sure, she’s still not the biggest fan of it, but honestly? Sex with the Soldier isn’t as bad as sleeping with her targets. At least the Soldier is… respectful. He treats her well, surprisingly enough since during sparring they mostly end up choking one another like they always do.

“Natalia,” he whispers against her neck. Natalia opens her eyes again, letting out a gasp. It’s all part of the act. Every noise, sound, reaction she makes. It’s all fake. She’s sure the Soldier knows this. It’s why she mostly thinks this whole ‘training’ is useless, but who is she to question it?

It doesn’t take long for them to undress. The Soldier is gentle, kissing her all over her body, touching her everywhere. Once he’s buried inside her, he thrusts forward slowly. He doesn’t speak, the only noise being the heavy breathing he lets out. His forehead is pressed against her shoulder, his flesh hand cupping her right breast while the metal one keeps him stable. Natalia puts her hands on his back, scratching his skin the way she always does. It’s a silent revenge, the only acceptable way she thinks possible. And she groans and gasps and begs. Like she always does.

“Oh, please, more,” she whispers out against the top of his skull. One of her hands go up into his hair, gently massaging his scalp.

“James,” he suddenly says. Natalia, too surprised by the sudden word, almost literally pulls his head from her shoulder. The moment their eyes meet, she gives him a questioning glance. “I, uh… I think my name is James. I… I think that’s what my mother used to call me.”

Natalia’s mouth falls open. It’s the first time the Soldier has ever spoken about his past. For a long time, Natalia wondered if he just didn’t like to share it. Now, hearing the uncertainty in his voice, she realizes it quickly enough. He has no past. Nothing he can remember.

In a sudden urge of something completely unknown, she pulls his face back up, pressing their lips together in a comforting kiss. She decides it’s because of the look in the Soldier’s blue eyes, the hopelessness he’s been expressing

“James,” she repeats in a whisper. It gets a reaction out of the Soldier, who starts quickening his pace again. Natalia breathes against his mouth, feeling a heat inside of her that she’s never really noticed before. And as the Soldier – no, James starts breathing faster, she realizes quickly what is happening.

He has his eyes closed, seemingly feeling her. Is there an actual pleasant expression on his lips? The more they move in sync he seems to relax those lines on his face. He appears younger, much less burdened.

Natalia doesn’t know if this would help him or break their moment, but before the woman even notices she seems to move instinctively. Her fingers tangle in his soft strands as she pushes him closer again, until their lips touch. She feels his breath on her cheek before he dives in, claiming her mouth. A spark is inflaming her belly, making her move along eagerly. Now she can’t only notice every point inside of her he touched, she actually... feels it. As in _feels_ it. And it’s… good? Maybe a little bit, but she won’t admit to that.

His movements become erratic. He grips her harder than he probably intends, surely making sure she doesn’t step out of line, doesn’t do anything to break this spell. _More_. Natalia shudders as she hears him say it. He’s never demanded something in that way. It’s new, and strange.

"James..." she murmurs as her body suddenly goes over the edge after a very well targeted thrust. She gasps and the world starts to cease. The only thing she can see is the storm inside his eyes as he comes to his completion as well. She feels how her heart beats faster than she’s used to and can’t believe how everything has gotten out of control like this, and how much he doesn’t care about it. They have been quiet for the last moments, fully concentrated.

He gives a low growl before collapsing on top of her, spent and sated like he has probably never felt since HYDRA recruited him. It takes Natalia a while to regain her breath and a clear thought. The warm, tingling sensation is still there, not like the fire it had been before, but just as pleasant. She almost protests when he pulled out. _Almost_. He doesn’t need to know that, either.

Quickly dressing again the Soldier merely murmurs: "Better, but not good enough." And with that he leaves the room.

That afternoon is probably the first time he’s managed to bring a genuine reaction out of her. Of course, she isn’t going to mention it. If he thinks she’s faked it again, it’s all alright by her. He doesn’t need to know.

He can’t know.

With no clue where the Soldier disappeared to, Natalia lights up another cigarette while she looks up at the ceiling.

_What the fuck just happened?_

 

* * *

 

 

Natalee only needs a few days to get to know Howard Stark.

The man is a genius, that much is clear. While his flirting days where he slept with random women almost every day are now completely over, this is a part that will probably never change about him. He’s strong-willed, with a vision in his head that he would never want to step away from.

She’s aware of Anton Vanko. A former Russian scientist who used to work with Stark. They’ve built a device together, but their visions over it was divided. While Stark saw it as a way to create clean energy that could stop polluting the Earth, Vanko saw a way to earn good money. It’s no wonder that said greed is what might have made them suspicious of him.

Vanko passed along information. With his banishment to Siberia, there’s nobody keeping an eye on Stark. Which is why Natalee is here, she suspects. Dressed in a red skirt with matching red jacket, she stands in the meeting room as she listens to Stark getting into a discussion with his board members.

She knows another few things about the man; despite his past, he _really_ loves his wife. To put it shortly, she has him completely whipped. He does whatever she asks, gives her those little smiles whenever he sees her. He’s in love, and it’s weird to watch.

And while he doesn’t act like it, Natalee knows that he loves his son, too. In his own, special way, of course. From the few times she’s met little Anthony, she’s seen that he’s proud of how smart he is. The kid, having built his own engine only a few days ago, even appeared in the newspapers. _The Future of Stark Industries_ , they call him. Natalee had seen the picture on the front page, feeling weird when seeing the two sitting together like that.

Stark looks comfortable around his son. Natalee knows he isn’t.

“Natalee, can you please get me some coffee?” Stark suddenly asks. Natalee looks up, blinking. Then she nods.

“Of course, Mr. Stark,” she says without a complaint. She hurries out of the room, though knowing exactly why it is that he wants her out of the room. Natalee drops her files, hangs up her coat and gets out of the room. At least that way she’s sure that the Soldier can still listen in on what’s happening inside.

Her trip to the coffee machine is uneventful. She takes her time, too, not wanting to appear over-eager to be back. She comes across a few other workers, and simply gives them a smile before continuing with her task.

With a hot cup of coffee in her hand, Natalee returns to the meeting room. She barely even notices the woman until her name is called out.

“Ms. Rosen?”

The voice is British. There’s only one person it could be. Natalee stabilizes the cup in her hand, forces up a smile and turns towards the woman.

“Yes, Mrs. Carter?” she asks calmly. While Stark is easy to fool, Carter is a whole other story. According to the stories, she’s had dealings with the Red Room in the past. She knows what to look for. It’s one of the reasons her first instruction had been to always be wearing a bracelet on her scarred wrist. That, or long sleeves, but given that her coat is still in the office…

“I would like a word, if I may?” Carter asks. The woman never trusted her, that much is clear. Natalee had just been introduced to her before Carter squeezed her eyes together and stared at her in an inspecting way.

“Of course, Mrs. Carter. But would you mind if I could bring the coffee to Mr. Stark, first?” Natalee asks, sounding worried.

“I’m sure he can wait,” Carter says, pulling the cup out of Natalee’s hands and putting it down on the desk next to her. Then she grabs her arm and pulls her along. Natalee tries to protest, but decides it’s best not to draw too much attention to herself. She tags along.

Carter doesn’t have her own office in Stark Industries. She often just hangs out in Stark’s. Apparently, they’ve been friends for a long time, and she’s free to use it whenever she likes. Gesturing for Natalee to sit down, the woman listens and does as she’s told. The fifty-five-year-old woman takes place on Stark’s chair, leaning forward on the desk and crossing her fingers together.

“Ms. Rosen, I’ve taken the liberty to look into your file. Call me suspicious.” Carter gives her a toothy smile, but Natalee knows that she still doesn’t trust her. “Now I’ve noticed that it said you’re married, am I correct?”

Natalee nods, lifting her hands to touch her wedding ring. “Yes, that’s right.”

“And your husband, Jonathan Rosen. He’s a businessman?

“Yes,” Natalee nods. She wonders where this is going.

“You see, I’ve been pulling some strings at the organization your husband works for, but according to their people there has never been a Jonathan Rosen working for them. So my question is this; why would you lie about that?”

Natalee opens her mouth, suddenly short on words. She can’t believe the error they’ve made there. Usually, she and the Soldier work in the same place, together. Now that the Soldier isn’t allowed to be near Stark… It’s a rookie mistake that never should have happened.

“I- uh-“ she starts. She’s interrupted when the door suddenly opens and Stark walks in.

“Ah, Peg, you’re stealing my assistant again? C’mon, Nattie, we need to get moving for this interview or Maria will kill me.”

Natalee stands up, glad for the sudden interruption from the inventor. Though she’s aware that she’s going to have to be more careful around Carter. She and the Soldier need to discuss this, to fix their mistake.

“Oh, and I brought your coat. I saw it hanging there,” Stark hands her the red piece of clothing and Natalee thanks him nervously. “Peg, until next time, okay?”

Stark waves the woman off and Natalee hurries after him, not giving Carter another look. It won’t be the last time she’ll see her in the near future.

She returns to the apartment at seven in the evening. The Soldier arrives only seconds after her, dropping his materials on the floor and heading to the kitchen to grab something to drink. While Natalia looks over the forged documents they made about themselves, the Soldier drops down on the sofa and starts up the crappy television.

“We have a problem,” Natalia admits. The Soldier barely looks up.

“I am aware. You were with Carter, yet I couldn’t hear you anymore.” The Soldier puts the bottle against his lips. Natalia leans backwards in her seat and rubs her forehead. “I did hear some things that might put our mission to an end.”

“Really?” Natalia sits up, waiting for the Soldier to speak. When he doesn’t, she clears her throat. “Which are…?”

“He’s restarting his research on the Super Soldier serum. That’s all we really need to know.” The Soldier puts the bottle down and lights up a cigarette. With a sideways glance, his blue eyes meet Natalia’s. “We report in on the bosses, and see what our instructions are.”

Natalia nods. She wouldn’t mind returning to Russia after this. They’ve been in America for a while now, and given that graduation is finally nearing…

“I hope it comes quickly. Stark is insisting I bring you to the Gala in a few days. He really wants to meet you.”

“He can’t,” the Soldier returns. Natalia rolls her eyes.

“Of course, I know that. I would rather we leave before the gala.”

The Soldier sighs and stands up again. Leaving the TV on, he takes off his shirt and drops himself down on the bed. Looking up at the ceiling, he takes a few deep breaths before clearing his throat. He’s been… distant, these past few days. Ever since that one afternoon where he ran off, things have been weird. He hasn’t asked for… _that_ anymore. It’s simply talking about the mission and otherwise ignoring each other.

But Natalia knows that this mission does something to him. Because he’s acting weird, especially when Carter came back up in the picture. A weird look of recognition comes up in his eyes whenever Natalia mentions her. Sometimes even a fond smile. It’s almost as if they used to be lovers in the past, in a way.

Natalia doesn’t ask after it. She keeps to herself, making sure that Stark trusts her, that Maria and Anthony like her. These past two months wouldn’t have been possible otherwise. She’s met the butler and his wife. She’s met Carter’s husband, and her own children. They’ve made sure she knows everybody. They trust her.

Except for Carter.

“How is it that you never call me by name?” the Soldier suddenly asks, pulling Natalia out of her thoughts. She turns around in surprise, blinking at the Soldier in confusion.

“You’re my mentor?” she asks as if that’s obvious. The Soldier snorts after that.

“Haven’t been doing much mentoring lately, have I?” he asks, as if he’s angry with himself here. Natalia opens her mouth to counter that, but even she has to agree that he’s right.

There hasn’t been much that he has to teach her. They’ve been on it for a long while, but she’s a quick learner. She suspects, the only thing he has left to teach her is that convincing-thing. But he hasn’t asked for it in the past two months.

“There’s still-“ she starts, but the Soldier shakes his head. Then he puts his hands on his eyes and sighs even louder than before.

“This mission is doing things to me,” he complains. “My brain is all over the place.”

Finally, he’s confirmed it. Natalia swallows nervously, sitting herself down on the bed next to him. He looks… strange. So conflicted. It’s a complete contrast to the way he was when they met each other. Natalia doesn’t know if she likes seeing him like this.

“James,” she finally speaks out. The Soldier pulls his hands away, taking heavy breaths. Is he… panicking? Natalia puts her hand on his chest and tries to keep him down. “Just focus on me, okay? Look at me, and don’t think about anything else for now.”

The Soldier – James nods, keeping his eyes on her while attempting to calm himself down. He lifts up his hand and puts it on Natalia’s cheek, gently pulling her closer. Natalia allows him to do it.

“I need…” he starts, but before Natalia can make something of it he jumps out of the bed, grabs his coat, and runs back out. She sighs, wondering what they’re even still doing here now. Things are just too weird between them. And she thought they were professional enough to ignore that. But something happened without them realizing it.

James returns that night without a word. Natalia, who wakes up the moment he opens the door, pretends to be asleep, still. Even when James crawls into bed, she doesn’t move. It’s when he shuffles closer to her, wrapping his arms around her into a protective hold, that she twitches.

“James?” she asks sleepily. James just shushes her.

“Let’s just sleep,” he says. Natalia frowns for a moment, but decides not to ask too many questions. She lets James hold her if he wants that.

And for the following nights after that, that’s the way they go to sleep. Nobody ever mentions it.


	4. Glava Tret'ya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! There have been exams for the past few weeks and I was unable to write anything other than small parts of everything... but finally, here's a new chapter, with lots and lots of more new drama.  
> Natalia and James are both changing, things are happening. Sorry if it all seems rushed; the story was never meant to be long to begin with...

Their instructions are clear; they’re to stay in Stark Industries for a few days longer before another agent comes to take their place. A more permanent agent, who can stay there for a few years. Madame B wants Natalia back for graduation, after all.

They don’t tell them about Carter. They’ve figured that out on their own. Natalia already has a story ready. One that will explain the lack of Jonathan Rosen’s presence at the Gala; he’s been lying to her for years, having an affair during the time he pretended to go to work. She left him. It’s a solid story, especially when she’s been showing up at work lacking a wedding ring and faking her tears at the smallest occasions.

It attracts compassion, after all. Carter even comes up to apologize, though if she means it, Natalee doesn’t know. Nor does she care.

So she shows up at the Gala, alone. Stark introduces her to many people, trying to get her mind off things. Instead she offers to just watch over little Anthony. Stark obviously won’t complain about that.

While the party outside is going, Natalee is in the Mansion. Anthony is on the ground, fumbling with an invention that looks too advanced for one little kid. She wants to ask him what it is, but she’s sure she won’t even understand after he’s told her.

He surprises her when, afterwards, he gives it to her, saying it’s a device that would give her the ability to talk to him at all times.

“Mama told me you were sad. But you’re too beautiful to be sad, and when mama is sad daddy gives her gifts. So I made this,” he says innocently, not daring to look at Natalee. The woman just smiles, pulling Anthony into her arms in a strong hug. Despite her aversion to children, she’s quick to realize that Anthony isn’t that bad.

If only he won’t be too sad that she’s leaving again in a few days.

It feels like a goodbye-party. And while she doesn’t particularly care much for Howard Stark or his wife, she does feel some sort of sadness that she won’t see Anthony again. But, who knows. She’s never sure he won’t be a name on her list.

She hopes that’s not the case. Not ever. Sure, she would kill him if it’s her mission, but she won’t like doing it.

James is there to pick her up. They have all their possessions stuffed in three small bags. There’s not much they own. The guns are in the apartment, left for the next agent. They can’t smuggle it out of the country.

Natalia says goodbye of Natalee, but for the first time she actually feels like she’s letting go of something. And that feeling isn’t pleasant at all.

Russia is pretty much the same. After acquiring a car – with that, Natalia means stealing, of course – the two take the familiar route back to the institute. There’s no welcome for them, no-one to greet them. The lessons go on, Madame B teaching young kids. A few new ones Natalia doesn’t recognize.

James goes his own way, returning to his personal sleeping quarters. Natalia just decides to move to the training room and find Madame B. Tell her that she’s returned.

The girls are sparring when she gets inside. But while Natalia had been expecting six of them to be here, all she sees are four girls. Two sparring, two watching. It’s a fight to death again.

“Girls, hold it for a moment,” Madame B speaks out. Liliya and Alina stop their match. Aleksandra and Nadezhda look up in surprise. Everybody’s eyes widen when they see Natalia walk in. “Welcome back.”

“Thank you, Madame,” Natalia returns. She might have been lacking in being polite around the Soldier lately, but she knows her place. Standing in the familiar position, she waits for Madame B to approach her. The woman just smirks at her.

“You’re right on time to show us what you’ve learned these past few months,” she suddenly says, giving Natalia a quick look before turning around towards the girls. “You’re in luck ladies, the fight is over. Now Aleksandra, please get in position.”

Aleksandra’s face only needs one second to express fear, sadness and hopelessness all at once. Upon realizing that this is it for her, she takes a deep breath, shares a short look with the other girls, and goes to stand where Liliya and Alina had been standing when Natalia walked in.

Just because she’s been gone a few months doesn’t mean Natalia has found a way to rebel against it. So, knowing what the end result will be in this fight, she steps forward, losing her jacket and tying her hair together.

The fight doesn’t even last fifteen seconds before Natalia has Aleksandra pinned down, both hands around her face and twisting it around until the neck snaps. She knows any normal person would feel horrified at what they’d just done, but Natalia is above that. She doesn’t feel things like that, anymore. After all, Aleksandra was weak, and Natalia is still the strongest.

“Perfect,” Madame B says, turning back to her usual corner. “Lesson dismissed. Somebody take care of that. Natalia, stay for a moment, if you please?”

The girls hurry outside. Nadezhda and Liliya pick up the lifeless body of Aleksandra and carry her back out. Alina follows wordlessly. Nobody even gives Natalia a glance. That’s alright, Natalia doesn’t need to be liked, after all. There’s only the best who will get to make it to graduation. Aleksandra was good, but not perfect.

“Natalia, come here, please.”

Natalia obeys, taking graceful steps towards where Madame B is standing. The moment she’s reached her, the woman turns around and starts to fully inspect her. Taking a few strands of her hair into her hands, she passes her fingers through it until they’re gently scraping her skull. Natalia keeps in the shudder she’s feeling.

“You look beautiful, my dear,” she says, giving her a white smile. “I trust the Soldier has been taking good care of you?”

Natalia nods. “Yes, Madame,” she responds. Madame B just hums out, content with the answer.

“It won’t be much longer now. The lessons are getting harder for the girls, but I know _you_ will make it. Only one can survive, after all.”

Natalia lets out a soft breath. She knows this all, already. Why is Madame B repeating it?

“Did the Soldier teach you _everything_?”

Natalia frowns only slightly. A small mistake, but one the woman seems to let pass. “Everything, Madame?” she asks.

“Have you gotten over your disgust for sexual activities?” she clarifies. Natalia feels a slight surge of panic come up. How did she know?

“Was it _that_ obvious, Madame?” she asks. Madame B chuckles out, putting her hand on Natalia’s cheek. If only she would stop touching her all the time.

“I could read it all over you. Especially in the days afterwards,” she reveals. Then she pulls back, taking her expensive coat from the chair and giving Natalia another smile. “I’ll find the Soldier and ask for a mission report. We shall see if you’ve convinced him.”

After that, Madame B walks away. Natalia lets out the breath she’s been holding, wishing for a short moment she was still in the apartment in New York. At least there she could just… act free, for once. Especially after her ‘relationship’ with the Soldier changed from teacher to mentor.

Natalia exits the room after that. She comes across a few of the younger girls, but doesn’t greet them. The limping girl from months back is missing, along with many others. With her coat now back on, she walks outside to take a bit of fresh air. It’s always cold here. She’s used to it.

It’s getting dark by the time she’s at the pond again. There, she sits down on a fallen tree. That must have happened while she was gone, since it wasn’t there when she left. Taking in the cold environment around her, she fishes into the pocket of her coat and takes out the device Anthony made for her.

For a short moment, she fumbles around with it, inspecting it. She never tried it out. For all she knows, it might not even work. Should she turn it on? Is it safe?

But… Anthony’s just a child. How much damage can he create? So she flips the switch in a swift motion, hearing nothing but static from the other side. For a few minutes she waits just there, staring straight ahead into nature.

Anthony’s voice doesn’t come. Natalia turns the device off again and puts it away. It’s about time to get dinner now, after all. With her hands in her pockets, she runs back inside.

She doesn’t get a warm welcome. She sits alone at the table while the other girls all huddle together discussing what just happened during training. They’re not happy with Natalia’s return, that much she knows. But… she doesn’t care.

The days go on and on. She resumes training with the other girls. Tests in the outside, nights spent under the starry sky with barely any resources. There’s the usual teachers. The girls struggle, Alina is found dead in the next morning, devoured by wild animals. James is absent. Where he is, Natalia doesn’t know.

And every evening, whenever she has a moment alone, she turns on the device. Never does she hear a voice. She doesn’t expect to, but it’s nice to hope, for some reason.

About two weeks after her return, Natalia expects Madame B to have decided them to be ready for graduation. With them being the only three left, they’re considered the three best of their year. They’re finished, the woman reveals. Graduation will be in four months.

And Natalia is excited. Beyond, even. She can’t wait to be allowed being on her own, to get her missions and see them through without someone constantly watching over her. Can’t wait to be as free as she could possibly be, find a house where she can pretend to be normal. Find missions that might take years to complete. She can handle it, after all.

But the problems start a few days after Natalia’s return. In the middle of the night, there’s shouting. Natalia’s eyes open, as well as do those of all the other girls in the room. With their hands stuck in their cuffs, they try and sit up as much as possible, taking a good look around in the dark room. Natalia sees immediately who’s missing.

Nadezhda and Liliya. They’re not in their beds, the cuffs hanging loosely, lock picked. Natalia digs underneath her pillow to find her own lock pick and digs it through the small key hole. With perfect skill, the cuff opens and she hurries out of bed with the intention to help where-ever it’s necessary. She might not really _like_ Nadezhda and Liliya, but they’re still her peers. They’re the three champions of the group. The new generation of assassins.

She’s surprised when she comes across James in the hallway. She masks it, and so does he, though. After the initial shock on their faces, they hide it away and turn towards the source of the sound. Somebody’s crying, begging. Two voices. When they get near, James suddenly holds out his arm to keep her back.

“Keep your distance, Natalia,” he instructs her. Natalia ignores the request, moving until she’s standing in front of him. There she sees the two missing girls, both of them… crying? Is that even possible? Nadezhda is being held by a couple of guards, the straps of her night gown falling over her shoulder and baring one of her breasts. She struggles for a while, but receives a kick in the side.

Liliya isn’t better off. Held by guards as well, she’s fighting back harder, trying to reach her friend but failing at it. The first thing Natalia notices is the bruise in her neck and all over her collarbone. Those aren’t marks from their fights… Those are hickeys. For a moment, she stops breathing.

Madame B is standing next to Liliya, talking to her. Liliya struggles again, earning her a slap in the face.

“Please, Madame, it’s not her fault, it’s all mine,” she begs of her. When Natalia tries to move forward again, James puts his hand on her shoulder and keeps her back. She turns to look at him, seeing him shake his head.

“Don’t interfere,” he tells her. She stares back for a while, trying to see if he means it. When she’s sure that he does, she relaxes a bit, taking a few steps back until she’s standing right next to him again. “They were fooling around, making out… and got caught.”

They’re whispering. “How do you know?” Natalia asks.

“I saw them when I was headed to my chambers. They were being uncareful.”

Natalia nods in understanding, turning back to the two girls and wondering for just a short moment if they’re both going to be killed after this. She knew Liliya was for the girls, somehow after a while it turned into common knowledge between them. She just never would have expected Nadezhda to willingly be a part of it.

Madame B talks some more. She speaks too softly, Natalia can’t really hear it because of all the angry struggling. But whatever she said caused panic in Liliya. She struggles even harder than before, especially when Madame B lifts up a gun and points it towards Nadezhda.

“No!” Liliya shouts. “Please, no! Kill me! Not her, just me!”          

“Only in pain you will learn,” Madame B says, now with a voice fully raised. After that she pulls the trigger, and Nadezhda falls down on the ground, dead.

 

* * *

 

 

“You understand what she did, right?” James asks the following day. There’s no training, just… rest. A moment to process whatever happened the previous night. Natalia is at the lake, hesitating with pulling out the device Anthony gave her. Had James not been there, she would have.

“She wanted to make her feel the pain love can bring,” Natalia says, having figured it out overnight. “Making her want to feel it so she would never want to love again.”

James nods, clearing his throat and pulling up a rock that he throws into the water. It’s starting to snow again, but neither of them reacts to it. Natalia just starts up a cigarette and stares ahead. Usually, seeing people getting killed never really gets to her. Why is it that she’s feeling so weird right now?

“It’s cruel, but effective,” James states. “Though I’m sure Madame B isn’t pleased that she now only has two students graduating instead of the usual three.”

Natalia shrugs, leaning back a bit on the tree and watching James throw another rock in the water. He’s dressed in a black coat and his hair is pulled together. When he turns around, Natalia gets a full view of his face again.

“Madame B gave me a mission,” James suddenly says. Natalia frowns at him, wondering why he would bring it up. “I’m to stay with you for a while longer.”

Natalia lets out the smoke as she blinks up at him in confusion. When a few strands of hair blow into her face, she quickly plucks them back away. “How so?” she asks. James drops the remaining stones he’s holding and moves towards the branch as well. When he’s seated down next to Natalia, he takes the cigarette from her.

“Before you graduate, there’s still one thing she wants you to learn,” he says with it against his lips. After a quick pull, smoke comes out of his mouth. “You are not going to like it.”

“Oh,” she gets out, already knowing what he’s talking about. “I haven’t convinced you, yet?”

“I told her you did,” James admits. Natalia’s eyes widen. Why would he lie about that? “She told me that you needed to convince me of something else. Before I have to leave again.”

“What is it?” Natalia asks. James looks forward, pensive. He does not look happy at all.

“You need to convince me that you love me.”

Natalia’s breath catches, and for a moment she wonders if Madame B is completely out of her mind. To convince a target that she loves them is easy. They’re usually nasty little men who only get girls by shaking their money around. James is… it’s just something completely different.

“You know that’s an impossible task, right?” Natalia asks. James lowers the cigarette once more, letting out a big cloud of smoke while staring ahead into the pond.

“I trust you can do it,” he responds. “Besides, we work well together, don’t we?” Then he turns at her and, for the first time since she’s known him, he gives her a genuine smile. He stands up after that, handing Natalia the cigarette back before walking off, back towards the Institute.

Natalia doesn’t know how to feel about this. She finds it strange that she’s not… disappointed about it. Having James hanging around her means that she doesn’t have the luxury of privacy, the only thing she was looking forward to. Maybe it’s because, in these past few months, she’s learned to live with James around. She’s used to him.

The weirdest thing on her mind is the smile. This James, this man… it’s nothing like the Soldier she met all those months ago. Almost a year has passed since then. They’ve both changed a lot. Natalia wonders what it is that made her like this. She questions things now, lost her respectfulness towards others.

That evening, when she’s stuck in her bed, she finds herself unable to sleep. Seeing that everybody’s already far gone, Natalia opens up the lock that attaches her to the bed, and with bare feet she gets up, feeling the coldness of the ground seeping into her skin immediately.

She takes careful steps, mindful of the youngling. She can’t wake them, because they’ll raise the alarm with their awful cries and loud noises. Natalia exits the room slowly. In the hallway, she takes a moment to listen, to find out if she’s alone. When there’s no sound, she starts running to where she saw James disappear the first time.

There’s no door, nothing that indicates that there’s a hidden room in there. Natalia knocks on the wall a few times, presses some stones she thinks are loose. But the wall doesn’t sound hollow. There’s no statue, no painting. Nothing that could serve as a secret button.

Natalia is about ready to give it up when suddenly the door reveals itself to her. A piece of the wall disappears into the ground, revealing a room behind it. Natalia can see James standing there immediately.

“One knock would have sufficed,” he says. Natalia lets out a short chuckle before stopping herself. Slowly, she steps into the room, not startling when the door closes up behind her. “You’re here to get started with it, aren’t you?”

Natalia takes a deep breath. She’s not sure why she’s here. Sure, the sooner she starts with this whole new assignment, the sooner it’ll be finished. Natalia shuffles closer to James, aware that his dark blue eyes follow her every movement.

“I’m not sure,” Natalia expresses her thoughts. “I just… felt I needed to be here.”

If she’s telling the truth, James doesn’t need to know. When she puts her hands on his chest, he closes his eyes. His own fingers dig right into Natalia’s hair, pulling her head back so he can press his lips against hers. Natalia doesn’t fight it. She lets him do whatever he wants. It’s all part of the mission, right?

But James is careful, treating her like she’s a sensitive, breakable creature. As if she’s made of porcelain. Very gently, he starts undressing her, her night gown falling down on the ground. She’s wearing only her underwear underneath it, so while she stands there almost naked, James is still fully clothed.

That can’t stand. Natalia pulls at his own shirt, getting it over his head and dropping it somewhere further away into the room. They gasp for air, lips wet and sticky. James lets out a short grunt when Natalia starts pulling at his loose pants. They fall down on the ground easily and James steps out of them.

“Natalia,” he whispers out, removing his mouth from hers to press kisses against her jaw, throat, collarbone. Natalia keeps her eyes closed as she lets him feel her. He’s so gentle even she almost starts to believe that she’s fragile. That can’t stand. She grabs his hands and pushes him towards the bed. He lets out a small ‘oof’ when he drops down, but after that he laughs.

“Is there something funny?” Natalia asks with a low voice, letting her mouth travel over his chest without kissing him anywhere. Her hands keep his arms above his head.

“This, exactly. This is the reason why I chose you. You’re the only one strong enough to take control of me like this,” James admits. Natalia hides her surprise at that admission. He likes her because she’s strong enough to take control?

Natalia needs him to stop talking. Whatever he’s saying, it’s messing with her. It’s making her nervous, speeding up her heart and breathing. She’s on a mission here, after all. There’s no need for her to enjoy it, only to pretend.

So she kisses him again, and again. And while she uses her free hand to take off her own underwear, James manages to break free one arm that quickly goes down between them. Natalia gasps, taking deep breaths and pretending to like the touch. Then, she pulls his hand away again.

“I’m in charge,” she warns him. Securing both his arms again, Natalia gets herself in position. And she moves, and shifts, and James breathes heavily, fighting to get his arms loose but not trying too hard.

Natalia works him over his edge, not moving afterwards. Stroking her cheeks all over his chest, she offers him light kisses on his skin. James trembles underneath her, looking so fragile, himself, all of the sudden. She wonders if she’s already done it on the first try. Has she convinced him? Already?

But James lets out a breathy laugh after that. Natalia pulls away from him, a bit confused at his reaction. She leans on her elbow, trying to get a read on James. But the Soldier shakes his head and keeps on chuckling.

“You keep on laughing randomly?” Natalia asks. James closes his eyes, lifting his hand up to his forehead to shield his eyes away.

“Yeah, you kind of are funny,” he responds. Then, all of the sudden, he sits up and gets out of the bed to grab his pants. “You really think you’re going to convince me by sleeping with me all the time? You really think that’s the definition of ‘love’?”

Natalia’s mouth falls open, the words escape her mind. What is she possibly to answer to that?

“You have a lot to learn, Natalia,” James says, shaking his head. He throws Natalia’s clothes back to her. “Get dressed.”

“You’re kicking me out?” Natalia asks in confusion.

“Yes,” James answers shortly. Natalia hurries back into her clothes, suddenly feeling even dirtier than she normally does after doing something like this. Because, in the end, it wasn’t even needed? She knows she’s not much aware of what ‘love’ is supposed to be, but this… she wouldn’t have expected to be so bad at it.

Once she’s clothed again, James grabs a remote from the nightstand and presses a button. The hidden door opens up again. Unable to give Soldier another look, Natalia hurries outside. Without saying anything to him, she gets out of the hallway, heading back to the bedroom.

She startles when Madame B suddenly stands there, right in front of the door that leads to the sleeping quarters. She looks at her, expecting good news already. Natalia just comes to stand in position, keeping her head straight and her face empty.

“The Soldier has marked you up, well,” Madame B notes, traveling her fingers over Natalia’s bruised neck. She doesn’t respond. “Have you made progress?”

“No, Madame,” Natalia says, deciding not to lie about it. A flash of disappointment goes over Madame B’s face.

“There’s still time,” she says. Then she makes a full turn and walks away. Natalia keeps on standing there for a little while longer, wondering why it is that she’s feeling like such a failure. Feeling dirty and aching, she returns to her bed where she ties herself back up.

 

* * *

 

 

They leave again the day after. Not going international this time, but staying in the country for another short political mission.

Natalia takes that time to reflect on her current mission. Making James _believe_ she loves him is not at all the same thing as loving him, after all. This couldn’t be _so_ hard. She just needs to observe some people during her missions, maybe catch a few movies in the theaters. She needs to learn from everybody around her, and then she could formulate a plan.

After that, she can go back to Madame B and proudly tell her she’s succeeded in her mission. But then what, will they kill the Soldier? Will they take him away? Erase his memories again? She supposes that’s what they’ve done to him in the past, since it’s taken him so long to even remember his own name.

James is behind the wheel of the car, eyes stuck on the road. He’s wearing a heavy dark coat and a hat made of fur. He’s starting to grow out a beard for his cover, just like Natalia got to dye her hair again, only this time she went for dark brown. Brown, curly and short. The sudden change in color seemed to get some reaction out of James, but not one that she could place.

What’s happening with Liliya back in the base, she has no idea. Does she have a mission of her own? Is she getting some time to grief? She would be weak if she’d ever need that. It was a shame, having to kill Nadezh. Three graduates have now only turned into two. They started out with so many all those years ago.

“Where’s your mind at, Natalia?” James suddenly asks without looking away from the road. Natalia jumps up, realizing she’d indeed been wandering off with her thoughts.

“I’m just trying to understand Madame B’s reasoning. Why would she give me this mission if she only just punished Liliya for her crimes?”

James blinks a few times before shaking his head.

“I really can’t say. Madame B has always worked in mysterious ways, after all,” he returns. Natalia hums in agreement, because he’s completely right about that. 

“Maybe she doesn’t _want_ me to succeed? Maybe she just wishes for me to see that I can’t grasp the concept of love, no?”

James slightly turns his head towards her.

“Everybody is able to love,” he returns to that. “You must have had parents, no?”

Natalia tries to think back, but the memories of her parents are really deeply buried. She can’t, at all, remember anything about them. They died, but what did they exactly do together when they were all still together?

“I did, but I do not remember them too well,” she admits. “How about you?”

James stays quiet, not answering at all. Natalia rolls her eyes, realizing that he’s not going to give her anything about his past. Whatever, it’s not like she cares, after all. She turns her head back to the side and looks at the landscape around her. It’s beautiful outside, the sun is shining despite the large clouds also hanging in the air. There’s no chance of rain, she thinks.

“I remember… somebody,” James suddenly starts. Natalia turns back to him, surprised that he _did_ answer. “I think he was my… best friend. He was small, skinny. I just- I don’t remember his name…”

“Were you from around here? Or are you from Germany?” she tries. James shakes his head.

“Neither… I don’t know where I’m from, though I remember… an army? I’m not sure. Red white and blue, a round shield…? It’s all nonsense.”

A round shield? Natalia heard about that before somewhere in the history lessons. A certain super soldier of America that helped stopping the war. According to Madame B, Natalia’s strength evens his, but Natalia figures that doesn’t much matter given that the man is dead.

“You’re remembering more and more every day. I’m sure one day it’ll come to you,” she says shortly. She doesn’t know what else to say.

“Probably,” James responds.

They don’t speak the whole remaining day. Once night falls, they stop over at a small inn where they get themselves a room to sleep in. But while James is dreaming away in the bed, Natalia finds herself restless. She gets out of the bed without waking James, putting on some quick clothes and ignoring the stickiness on her body. Then, she grabs little Anthony’s device and hurries out of the room.

She’s been trying to get something out of it, to figure out how it works. But the longer she searches, the more she realizes it might just simply not work at all. It’s too bad, really.

Sitting on a bench outside, ignoring the cold, Natalia presses all kinds of buttons on the device. The usual static comes out.

“Hello, Anthony?” she tries. Nothing comes from the other side. She sighs, wondering why she’s feeling so strange about the little kid. “I’m still on the mission. It’s cold out here, it looks like it’s about to snow as well. I think you wouldn’t like it here, since you’re used to the warm weather in America.”

Huh, and to think that the Americans think of their country to be cold during winter! Clearly they’ve never been to Siberia before.

“I wish I could hear from you again someday. I’m still sorry I had to leave so suddenly. It wasn’t nice of me, but I just couldn’t stay in New York any longer. I hope one day you can forgive me.”

What is she saying? Wishing for a single child to forgive her? For what, leaving her mission that included spying on said kid’s company? This is getting ridiculous. She puts the device down and lets out a long sigh.

Then there’s a cracking sound. It comes from the device.

“ _Miss Natalee?”_

Natalia’s eyes go wide, and her mouth falls open from the surprise. Quickly, she lifts the think back up to her mouth.

“Anthony? Are you alright?” she asks.

“ _’m fine, but Dad just got real mad at me for annoying him,”_ Anthony admits. Natalia’s chest does something uncomfortable she can’t place.

“What did he say?”

“ _He said that I’m constantly in his way and that I should stay with Mr. Jarvis.”_

Yes, the butler. Natalia remembers him very well. He was a friendly man who liked to take care of the kid whenever the Stark’s couldn’t.

“I’m sorry, Anthony,” she admits. There’s some more static on the other side of the machine. She’s losing her signal.

“ _I’m okay. Are you coming back soon?”_

Natalia sighs again, closing her eyes.

“I’ll try, okay? But I promise you’ll see me again someday.”

“ _Good.”_ After that, there’s another cracking sound, and Natalia realizes she’s just lost the signal. She lowers the device again and decides to just head back inside. Looking at James lying there, she’s reminded of his sudden need to get off again before they went to sleep. It’s weird how, last time, he told her off for using sex as a way to convince him, yet it’s still the thing he seems to enjoy the most.

She removes her clothes again – all of them, since James will notice she’s suddenly dressed when he wakes up – and dives back underneath the covers. Her head facing James’ sleeping form, she takes in the peaceful way his face looks. For a moment, she reaches out to pull away a few strands of hair. Yet, the moment her fingers touch his skin, his eyes fly open.

“Natalia?” he asks. She just smiles at him.

“Shhh,” she returns, “let’s just go to sleep, okay?”

James closes his eyes again, shuffling closer to Natalia and suddenly wrapping an arm around her body.

“Okay,” he returns. She startles a bit when he kisses her in the neck and suddenly pulls her closer to him. She doesn’t fight it, though, allowing the man to hold her if he wants to. Besides, it’s not exactly _that_ uncomfortable, either.

 

* * *

 

 

The days go on. Natalia and James go from town to town. Sometimes they’re on look-out. Sometimes she actually gets to kill somebody. There’s no pattern in it, it’s just… missions.

Natalia goes from Nina to Niky, to Natasha, to Nelly. She always has a different backstory, a lost husband or an overprotective brother. She pretends to befriend the girls, pretends to lust after the guys. She still sleeps with some of them, and she knows James hates it.

Right now, seated in a restaurant holding a glass of wine and smiling at the man she’s supposed to go out with, she wonders how people do this for fun. Sure, normally one should do this with somebody they like, but there’s not really somebody in Natalia’s life that fits into that description, she thinks.

“So, Nelly, have you thought about my proposition?” the man, Grisha, asks. Natalia blinks a few times, having forgotten herself. Right, she’s Nelly.

“What proposition, my dear?” she asks with a smile. Grisha chuckles as he lifts his own wine glass to his disgusting lips. Sure, Grisha isn’t ugly at all, but the fact that those lips have been touching her face makes her want to shudder on the spot. She’s trained better than that, though, so she doesn’t let her disgust show at all.

“For asking your hand in marriage?”

Okay, how could Natalia have missed this whole part of their conversation? Did he just casually mention it once while she was nodding off?

“Oh my, uh… we’ve known each other only for three days, Grish,” she returns. This guy is the real freak here. She wonders why she’s been the one assigned this mission. The idea of having to return to his home with him after this dinner makes her want to vomit her food out at once.

Of course, that could simply also just be the fact that she’s been a bit nauseated since the moment they’ve been here. Probably because of the idea that he’ll be touching her again with his very naked body.

“I know but,” Grisha takes her hands into his, “My love, I _know_ I just want to spend the rest of my life with you. Only you.”

Natalia’s mouth falls open, glad that her actual surprise can be mistaken for the sudden shock of being asked for marriage. That falls next to the fact that both surprises are actually the same, and she should stop making excuses for herself. Where is James when she actually needs him?

“I just… can you give me a day to think about it?” she asks, pulling away one hand to put it on her chest. Grisha looks a bit disappointed, but nods in return. He lets go of her other hand, and continues his dinner. He doesn’t bring it up again at all during the entire meal.

But Natalia figures this can’t go on. She wanted to get everything out of this mission, but she can’t wait any longer. Before she knows it, she’ll be married to this guy without even wanting to. So when Grisha asks for the receipt, she gets a plan together. She’ll go to his house, play along for a little bit longer, and once he’s asleep she’ll take him out. She has to be careful, not leaving any evidence. It needs to look like a natural death.

She has her arm hooked into his as they walk on the streets. There’s a slight breeze hitting her in the face, but she enjoys the cold. It’s a good distraction for this strange feeling she has. Sure, she’s been hating every moment like these, but never really has she felt like she _actually_ needed to puke because of it.

Grisha’s house is a bit further away. It’s secluded, on a hill and far enough away from nosy neighbors. It could be a good thing, but it could also mean trouble. Natalia laughs at his joke (it wasn’t funny) and allows him to take off her coat.

“Do you want something to drink, my dear?” he asks.

“Maybe some water?” she tries. Grisha smiles and nods, leaving into the kitchen and quickly returning with a glass for her. She takes it from him with a thankful smile, bringing it to her lips and downing it all in one go.

“Wow, uh, you were sure thirsty,” he states, a bit dumbfounded about it. Natalia shrugs, dropping the glass. Wait, what was her alter-ego again this mission? Nina? Nelly? It’s probably Nelly. Seriously, she’s never been more distracted than this. Madame B would punish her on the spot if she would see this.

“I’m pretty tired, Grish,” Natalia says, wanting this all to be over with as soon as possible. Grisha nods, holding out his hand for her to take. Reluctantly, she does, following him upstairs. He guides her to a master bedroom with a gigantic bed. She already hates it.

“Shall we… just begin?” he suggests. Natalia counts to five internally before turning to him. She lowers the straps of her dress and allows it to fall down on the ground next to her.

“Of course, my dear,” she says seductively, though suddenly not feeling it at all. Her stomach is turning, she suddenly wonders if she _really_ needs to sleep with him? Is it really necessary?

Before she can back out of it, Grisha is already on her. His hands are all over her bare body, fingers squeezing into her breast while the other lowers down to her panties to pull them down. Natalia lets out a small surprised sound. She should stop him, no?

No, she’s been trained for this. She can handle it. She’ll sleep with him, wait until he’s asleep, and then she’ll take him out without leaving any trace.

She’s dropped down on her back, resting onto the soft mattress. Grisha is already losing his clothes, revealing a slightly muscular body any other girl would dream of. It was a gamble, thinking that Grisha would forget his entourage of lovely girls and fall for her. But they could only try.

Grisha is fully naked against her in just a matter of seconds. He’s not waiting around at all, pulling Natalia’s legs up and pressing his groin close against her. Natalia’s eyes open up and she pushes his face away from hers.

“What about protection?” she asks, noticing him trying to get in like this. He gives her a long look before smiling and shaking his head.

“We don’t need protection,” he says, kissing her again. Natalia shifts, realizing this should stop right now.

“No, Grish, we really need it,” she continues, grunting painfully when he enters her anyway. She’s not ready by far, and it burns as he slides further down without anything easing the way.

“I want to marry you, my dear Nelly. I want to marry you and have lovely children,” he grunts against her, almost pulling out before pushing himself back in. Natalia shakes her head again, suddenly angered beyond belief. She’s done a lot for missions, but she won’t stand for this. Forget about leaving no trace, she’s going to bash his brains in and leave all of his organs hanging inside the room. Just as she’s about to push him away from her, he’s suddenly pulled back, thrown into the room. Next to the bed stands James, looking furious and ready to murder the guy himself.

“Are you alright?” he asks her. Natalia nods, suddenly standing up and reaching for her dress on the ground. Right when James heads towards Grisha, who is grunting painfully, she runs towards him.

“No,” she says. James’ eyes go big.

“What, you want to keep him alive after what he was just doing to you?” he calls out, surprised about it. Natalia knows she should even question the fact that he’s here – again. But she doesn’t.

“ _I_ get to kill him,” she says in a low whisper, turning towards Grisha and pulling his head up by his hair. He has a bloody nose and a gash on his forehead. When he looks up to her, he opens his mouth painfully.

“N-Nelly?” he asks. Without hesitation, Natalia kicks out. She kicks him in the face, and he drops down on the ground. Then she gets him in the gut, landing kick after kick. Grisha grunts out painfully, until after a while he doesn’t speak at all. But he’s still alive, she knows it. So she reaches behind her towards James, grabs the knife she knows he has, and pulls it out. Before anybody can say anything, she slashes it in Grisha’s chest, right where his heart is.

And then she stabs, again and again. She hasn’t even realized there are tears in her eyes as she plunges the knife into the man’s body. She screams it out, getting him once in the neck as well before she’s suddenly pulled back.

“Natalia,” James warns her, but she shakes her head as she tries to break free. Her stomach is completely upset now, and she only barely manages to break free before all of its content is thrown up into the small bin next to Grisha’s body. James holds her arms as she loses it all, shushing her and waiting until everything’s out. Once she’s finished, she leans back against his chest, now no longer crying but with an incredibly disgusting taste in her mouth.

“What’s happening to me?” she asks with a shaky voice. James holds her close to him.

“What do you mean, Natalia?”

She takes a few breaths, just staring ahead. “I used to be a good assassin, I was Madame B’s machine. Why am I not anymore?”

James thinks about that for a few seconds, then pressing his lips against the back of her head and letting out a sigh.

“I think you’re still the best assassin I’ve met,” he tells her, with something in his voice Natalia hasn’t heard before. She doesn’t respond. They stay like this for about ten minutes before James puts her down on the bed and starts cleaning up the place. After that, she gets herself cleaned up while James looks for the intel they’ve been looking for and they leave their target’s house.

 

* * *

 

 

Natalia is good at pretending. She knows this, and she uses this power rather frequently. The fact that James tries to get her to speak up about what happened isn’t enough. She prefers to pretend it didn’t happen.

The word of Grisha’s death has reached the newspapers – description of his multiple stabbing-wounds and the promise of a price for anybody who can identify the murderer. Of course, James made sure there’s no trace left of them, and they’ve simply left the town without telling anything to anybody.

And the feeling in Natalia’s stomach gets better for a little bit. Or, that’s what she tells James. Whenever she ends up puking, he’s usually not near her so she can hide it away pretty easily. But as the days go by and it doesn’t seem to go away, she figures she might have caught some sort of stomach flu.

She doesn’t want to visit a doctor. There’s too much chance of him figuring out she’s not who she says she is. So she bites through it. And James asks if she’s alright, pretends to be worried about her. She avoids it, telling him she’s fine.

Her current mission is easy; befriend a group of girls, find out more about the head girl’s father’s business, and then take both of them out. It’s one of those time Natalia gets to pretend to actually like shopping and talk about guys. And pretending is something she’s good at, after all.

There are four girls in total, without counting her. There’s Anya, the target. She has long curly blonde hair and bright blue eyes, looking very much like those Barbie dolls that children keep on buying these days. Then there’s Alyona, who is a bit on the short side with shoulder-long pitch-black hair and brown eyes. After that, there’s the twins, Vladlena and Valeriya. And Natalia can easily say that they’re just about the meanest girls she’s ever met.

They’re constantly gossiping, talking about other girls Natalia has never met before. It’s a testament to her convincing skills that she’s even managed to get accepted into their little group. And that’s where she’s been for the past five days; hanging out with the girls, getting complete make-overs and her ears pierced. They polish her nails, wax her legs, and after that they just sit in the bedroom, smoking and talking about boys Natalia never saw before.

It’s the girls who bring it to Natalia’s attention, too. Too often she’s running off to the bathroom to let out the contents of her stomach. And they leave her be without worrying. But after five days she has Vladlena suddenly standing at the door of the bathroom, arms crossed and hip leaning against the doorway.

“Honey, I don’t think you have the flu,” Vladlena says before putting the cigarette back to her lips. Natalia looks up in confusion, turning towards the redheaded girl after her puking fit is finally over.

“What do you mean?” she asks, reaching for some toilet paper to clean up her mouth. It’s a surprise these girls even want her to stay in their little group with all the crap she’s been pulling.

“Honey, have you been having sex without a condom on lately?” she asks, looking down at Natalia with an unimpressed expression. By far, of all the girls, Vladlena seems to be the one who likes her the least. The fact that she keeps on calling her ‘honey’ all the time doesn’t mean anything. She says that to everybody.

And Natalia thinks about what she just said. The thing with Grisha can’t really be described as sex, she figures. Other than that, there are her other targets, though she’s always been safe with them. The only thing remaining is…

“Yes,” she admits.

“Then I’m sorry, honey, but you’re pregnant,” Vladlena reveals. Natalia leans back against the wall, throwing her eyes up and leaning one hand on the toilet lid. “You should better get home and tell your man.”

“My… man?” she asks to herself, wondering what she’ll even tell him? Is this the reason why she’s been so… _emotional_ , lately? The fact that they’ve been fucking almost every evening, where she only enjoyed one fourth of those nights, and he managed to _knock_ her up? Madame B is going to laugh her ass off, right before shooting her in the head.

She leaves the house after that, forgetting about the mission. Unknowingly, she’s resting her hand on her stomach, wondering if it could be true. Is there really something growing inside of there?

She’s never wanted children; they’re loud and annoying. But there’s one child she likes. Thinking of Anthony, the sweet kid all the way back in New York… it makes her think if children are really all so annoying as she thought?

Still, the idea of having a child inside of her… She’s aware that the abortion rate here in Russia is one of the highest. It shouldn’t be a question to take it away, right? Should she even tell James? She could just have the procedure done and return without him even knowing about it, no?

She can’t lie to James. She respects him too much for that. He’s a good teacher to her, and he’s become somewhat of a… friend? She feels like the word falls short for what she’s feeling towards the man. It’s not something she can place… Nothing she _wants_ to place. It’s just what they are; James and Natalia.

So that evening when she returns to their little apartment and James asks for a mission report, she does the only thing she thinks is right.

She tells him the truth.

 

 


	5. Glava chetvertaya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my lord, it's been a while! I'm so sorry for this! With writing the sequel for BAS all of the sudden, I suddenly lost track of this story right here! But here I am with a new update, and I hope it doesn't suck too much!
> 
> Chapter warnings in the end notes, since they're kinda spoilery.

They finish the mission early. They go stealthy, murder both Anya and her father during their sleep. At Anya’s place, they leave a note, making it look like suicide. The gun they’ve used on her father, they’ve left in her home with her fingerprints on the weapon.

After that, they disappear, out of town. They leave no traces of themselves, don’t even get the intel they’re supposed to get. Instead, James drives them away, a voyage of a couple of hours. And when the bosses ask where they’re going, James explains that something came to his attention and that he wants to investigate him.

They get green light, as long as there’s a mission report afterwards.

They return to the cabin in the woods. It’s cold, it’s dark, and it’s wet as they walk through the trees. They’re carrying a couple of stuff, mostly just clothes and food to last for at least a week. James doesn’t speak, hasn’t spoken ever since he came to the decision to come here again.

Natalia hasn’t tried to start conversation, either. She simply follows him inside, drops her stuff and heads to the fire place to start heating the cabin.

James goes back outside after putting his stuff down. Natalia waits in the cabin for the following two hours, but James only returns the very next morning, waking Natalia up when he gets back in the cabin.

There’s molten snow in his hair and coat. His face is… worried. Natalia wonders since when so many emotions have been visible on James’ face?

“Are you alright?” she asks him when he gets to the kitchen and warms up some water. James huffs out a cynical laugh.

“Am I alright? I feel like I should be the one asking you this question, Natalia.”

Natalia raises an eyebrow, crossing her arms.

“Please, I’m not suddenly some damsel in distress, I’m the same I’ve always been,” she counters angrily. James, who had been pulling a mug out of a wooden cupboard, suddenly smashes the thing to the ground.

“No you’re not!” he almost shouts. “How could this happen? How could I…?”

She wants to tell him that it’s not his fault, but it still kind of is; after all, he’s never really used protection whenever he was with her, always insisting that it wouldn’t be necessary.

“Listen, James, it happened, alright?” Natalia leans against the wall but keeps a safe distance from him. “For now, what we need to worry about is what we’re going to do now?”

“You don’t get it, Natalia,” James mutters out, eyes still pointed to the ground. “They told me I couldn’t… said it wasn’t possible for me to make women pregnant, due to something that happened in the past.”

“So they lied? What else is new, James?” she slowly walks up to him, taking his metal arm underneath her hand. He startles a bit, but doesn’t react to it further. After a few seconds, she gets closer to him. She puts a hand on James’ muscular stomach, coming to stand so close to him that her head is resting underneath his jaw. He lets out another long breath before accepting the touch and pulling her towards him.

She doesn’t know what it is; can’t describe it. But she wouldn’t ever want to let this go. She feels safe, right now. She feels… like she’s a person, and not a machine.

“Do you want to get rid of it?” he asks without moving.

“I can’t have a child. They’ll come after it,” Natalia states, knowing full well what the fate of the child will be if it’s born. It’s certain death either way.

“But if we run away, would you keep it?” James tries. Natalia breathes out heavily, looking up at last and meeting James’ eyes.

“I’m not good with children but… I’ve killed so much already. I think it would be… something else to keep something alive, for once.”

And it’s the truth. Terminating this pregnancy brings up some sort of sadness inside of her. It doesn’t mean she’s going to be a good mother, and neither does it mean that she suddenly likes the idea of having children. It’s much the opposite of it, really.

But this isn’t just an ordinary child, is it?

“It’s time for you to graduate next month,” James says. “Immediately after that, we disappear.”

“They’ll come after us,” Natalia states. “I might not have to live at the institute anymore, but they’ll still give me missions. Just larger ones.”

“We’ll make sure they won’t find us,” James assures her. He puts a hand on her cheek and pulls her closer, pressing their lips together. “They’re not getting us.”

Natalia sighs against his mouth, wishing with everything she has that he’s right about this.

They stay in the cabin for the entire week, formulating a plan of escape. The fact that they don’t know how the graduation-ceremony is going to be is a bit of a problem, given that they can’t really figure out at what exact moment they’re going to need the distraction.

In the meantime, James finds a stupid potential mission to explain why they suddenly hid away; he heard from a source that a certain wanted man was spotted in the city close to this one, and he needed to check it out. Sadly, it was a hoax and they found nothing about it. Who they’re searching, Natalia doesn’t know. She doesn’t care.

Despite her situation, she keeps herself in shape. She spars against the air, only sometimes convincing James to go against her. Mostly, he just takes the punches and tests out her strength instead. Really, it doesn’t feel like much has changed. Natalia doesn’t feel different, other than the fact that she’s regularly nauseous.

 

* * *

 

The week comes and goes, and before Natalia knows it, there’s only seven more days before graduation. She has no idea how far along she is; never went to the doctor since there’s always the risk of being discovered. By the time James has loaded up the car, Natalia says goodbye to the cabin. Not that she’s attached to it, but it’ll surely be the last time she’ll ever be here. It’s been her ‘home’ for a little while…

She doesn’t linger, getting in the car the moment she hears James close the trunk. When he takes his place next to her, he gives her a grim smile. She returns it, feeling exactly the same way. It’s like they’re going towards their deaths. Sure, there’s lots of risks in their lives, there always will be. But now… it’s feeling like certain doom.

But they get nowhere if they don’t try.

James starts up the car, leaving the forest behind them and getting himself onto the road. Slowly but surely, they drive down the hill and pass by the little village she’s only been to a couple of times. She holds no memories there, other than killing that one guy. She doesn’t even remember his name; he was a target, she was the asset.

They don’t do any stops on the way other than a short toilet break. Natalia stretches her legs the moment she has the chance, but other than that they’re on the road the entire day. It’s dark when they left and it’s dark when they arrive back at the institute.

It looks very much the same. Once the Soldier has parked the car in the underground garage, the two grab their bags and keep a good enough distance between them. Natalia isn’t too surprised to see a group of children walking in the hallway, staying into a straight line and afraid to get one step out of their formation. They’re doing well, normally Natalia can immediately distinguish who isn’t going to make it but this time it’s a bit harder.

“Natalia, you have returned!” some girl a few years younger than Natalia says. She doesn’t know her name, but she recognizes the brown curls and many freckles on her face. “Congratulations on the Yakov-case! Everybody thought she murdered her father and then committed suicide! We would have expected you home sooner, though?”

“We got held up,” Natalia returns, not really caring about the praise. She remembers Dina, after all, who kept on enjoying everything positive that was spoken about her. Of course, right before Madame B snapped her neck. “Did something happen here while I was gone?”

The girl shrugs. “Not really. There was this drama with Liliya, but I think you were still there when it happened, no?”

“Yes, I recall. How’s she been doing?”

“I didn’t know you’d care?”

“I don’t,” Natalia admits. She isn’t interested in Liliya’s well-being, but more in her performance. Has she been on missions? How deep were her feelings towards Nadezhda to begin with? Were they strong? Did they… love each other? Natalia would never have thought anybody in here would know what love is, really…

“She’s done a mission after what happened, but she’s only returned about yesterday. It was a success, though.”

Good, the girl knows what Natalia’s interested in.

“Alright,” Natalia returns. She looks behind her, seeing that James is no longer standing behind her. She hadn’t even noticed him walking away from them. It’s alright; the less they’re spotted together, the better. Natalia picks up her bag again and starts heading towards the dormitories. Getting to her locker, she simply pushes the bag inside without unpacking it. She never bothers to do that, anyway. It’s too much of a hassle if she’s constantly called away, after all.

A few of the younger girls come up to her, expressing how glad they are she’s returned. Natalia’s surprised they even know her. When the girls ask about her latest mission, she tells them about it without bragging about it. The true art is to stay neutral about it; never be satisfied with what you have achieved, always thrive for better.

Natalia doesn’t hear from James nor Madame B the entire evening. During dinner, she sits with a group of girls she doesn’t know. She doesn’t join the conversation, only eats and gets up when she’s finished. It’s been a while since she’s danced, anyway.

She gets to the ballet room. It’s empty, which is good. Remembering exactly what number her favorite song is on, Natalia turns on the music and gets into position as she waits for it to start. Looking at her reflection in the mirror, she’s glad to see that nothing about her is visible. She looks the same as always.

And she dances the way she always does. She knows she’s good at it, but she doesn’t do it to be _good._ It calms her mind, keeps her busy. The fact that James doesn’t want her to spar makes it difficult to kill time.

After the dance, she tries another one, followed by one more. By the time she’s finished, she gets to the showers, and then it’s time for bed for her. Arriving in the dormitory, she finds that the beds of her peers that had been empty for a while now have been taken over by the students that are now in their final year. There’s still so many of them. Natalia won’t even know who will make it.

Not like she cares, of course.

Allowing the night watch to put her hand into the cuff and tying her up, Natalia lies down on her back, her arm shifted into an uncomfortable position she’s already used to. The fact that she hasn’t seen Madame B this evening makes her wonder if something happened? Normally, she’s always doing her best to at least catch a glimpse of her, but tonight she was nowhere to be seen.

The same goes for James. Where could he possibly be? Probably in his sleeping quarters, but Natalia’s not risking going there. Not now, at least. There’s too much chance of being discovered. Besides, she doesn’t know what James has told Madame B, if they already met up. It’s could be a good explanation as to where the two currently are?

It’s a restless night, making Natalia grateful when morning comes. She rubs her wrist, watching how the other girls jump up out of bed and immediately start heading for their breakfast. Natalia waits for a moment, at least until this small nauseous wave passes by. After that, when she’s the only one in the room, she stands up at last.

“Natalia?”

She turns around, recognizing the voice immediately. When she sees Madame B standing there, she bows her head down as a greeting.

“Good morning, Madame,” she says, standing still with her hands behind her back.

“I’ve been brought up to date on your progress. I’m glad to hear that everything worked out with the special mission I’ve given you?”

Natalia looks up, a bit confused at what she’s talking about. James never said anything about…? She _succeeded_?

“Thank you, Madame,” she returns, humbly. Madame B smiles, walking up to her and putting a hand on her cheek.

“You appear tired, my Star. Is something bothering you?” Madame B asks. Natalia shakes her head.

“No, Madame, I’m fine,” she lies. As a matter of fact, she _is_ extremely tired. “If I may, is there any program been made on the graduation ceremony.”

“Of course, my child,” Madame B, says, pulling her hand back after that and heading into the hallway. After a nod from her, Natalia follows her out of the room. “The ceremony starts around noon, where you will both be cleansed in the pond behind the institute to wash away your youth and finally enter into adulthood.”

Natalia keeps herself from shivering. The idea of having to walk into that stone-cold pond? At this time? It sounds extremely unpleasant, but Natalia’s been brought through worse. Ceremonies are ceremonies, after all.

“After that, you will make a pledge to the Red Room. The council will chose a nickname for you which you will carry starting from the next day.”

Natalia nods. “Will I know the codename the day of the ceremony?” she asks. Madame B shakes her head.

“No,” she admits. Not like it matters; Natalia won’t hear it then, anyway. She’ll already be gone by the time they’ll reveal it to her. “After the name-ceremony there’s a final kill. After that, you’re ready.”

Natalia turns towards Madame B, once again nodding her head forward into a bow.

“Thank you, Madame. I know what to expect now.”

“My pleasure, my little star,” she returns. Then, with a quiet look, her face turns hard. “After the ceremony, HYRDA will take the asset again. He’s been away for too long.”

Natalia nods in understanding, though she has no idea what Madame is talking about. How could James be away for too long? What for?

The fact that she’s questioning this all the time is enough proof that she’s not at all the same Natalia she was last year. She doesn’t know if this version is better than the other one. It doesn’t matter, anyway.

“Then I shall pass along my gratitude for his services in training me,” Natalia tells her. Madame B looks pleased with the answer, gesturing towards the room where all the girls are currently eating their breakfast.

“You’ve deserved your rest for this following week. The day after your graduation you’ll be given your first complete solo assignment.”

Natalia nods again, pretending to be grateful. The, she heads into the room, taking two pieces of bread from the table and taking place on the first free spot she comes across. There’s still no sign of James on the first glance, but she tries to avoid actively looking for him. He’ll turn up eventually.

There’s the usual silence at the table. Natalia takes comfort in the peace, the lack of _having_ to talk to people. She eats her meal, observes the younger students around her, and eventually finishes. Without waiting for permission to leave – after reaching a certain age she’s in no need of doing that – Natalia scrapes her seat back and gets on her feet. Once standing in front of Madame B’s seat, she stands in position.

“I’ll be practicing in the dance room, Madame,” she says shortly. Madame B nods at her, gesturing for Natalia to take her leave. Natalia doesn’t hesitate. She turns around and gets out of the dining hall, only making one short stop to the bathroom on her way to the dance room. Looking at herself in the mirror, she passes her hand through the dark locks of hair. There’s knots everywhere, but at least it isn’t long. A quick combing through it gets everything out.

For a moment she sighs, wondering if she should just go back to her natural color. She should stop coloring them and let it grow out for a bit. It’s not that she’s ever put much attention to her hair, but if there’s something about herself she’s really proud of, it’s always been the natural beauty her hair was. Fiery red with full curls? Not a lot of girl could say the same.

The dancing is always the same. Natalia moves, jumps, kneels down… she’s a bit more careful now, making sure not to trip over her own feet. It causes for sloppiness and lots of mistakes, but she figures that nobody’s watching so it doesn’t really matter anyway. She goes from one song to the other, until eventually she’s done four of them and she should probably spend her time doing something actually useful.

So she turns off the music, heads to the bathrooms to wash herself up and get changed. After that, she heads outside, towards the pond. She shouldn’t be surprised to see she’s not alone.

“Sir,” she greets him, keeping up the act as long as they’re here. James just gives her a short look before nodding, his eyes back on the water.

“Natalia,” he returns. Other than that, there’s no word. They sit on the bench, a good distance kept between the two of them. Only while James is looking at the water, Natalia’s more focused on the sky and the birds flying in it. She wants to say something, ask what their plan is. But she decides to shut her mouth, at least until they’re in the safety of James’ room. Or anywhere else that’s safe.

“You know, I’ve always thought water was something _fascinating_ ,” James suddenly starts. “After all it’s just… there.”

Natalia chuckles. “I’m pretty sure there’s a logical explanation for it,” she counters. Then, only remembering too late, she quickly adds a little “Sir,” to it.

“I’m sure there is, but I don’t really care about that.” James picks up a branch and passes it through the water. “Water’s free, you know?”

Natalia doesn’t respond to that. She figures he’s not ready talking.

“It comes and goes where it wants to. You can’t just stop it with your words or with your bare hands. You’d need a dam to stop it.”

“You want to be like the water, don’t you?” Natalia asks. James hums in agreement.

“I thought about the graduation,” he starts. “The day after, you get your first solo mission, don’t you?”

Natalia nods. “Yes, though where to I don’t know.”

“It doesn’t matter. We’re heading out of here, out of Russia,” James says, sounding confident. “We’ll take one of the cars here. They’ll follow it, so we guide them to a false track. We lose the car in Stalingrad and get another one.”

“It all sounds easier than it’s going to be,” Natalia mutters. James nods.

“I know,” he responds. “We can only try.”

Natalia looks ahead of her, resting her head on her hands with her elbows on her legs. Deep in thought, she tries to get through the whole plan and make something of it.

“If they catch us, they’re going to kill us both,” she adds to the gloomy thought. James lets out a long breath before nodding.

“I am aware,” he returns simply. Then he turns his head towards her and gives her a long look. “Just in case that happens, I need you to know something.”

Natalia shivers upon the words. She feels like she knows what he’s going to say, and she’d rather he didn’t.

“I have no idea how you did it, Natalia,” he starts. “I was a machine when I came to you. Yet, somehow, you managed to make me fall in lo-“

“Don’t say it,” Natasha interrupts him. In panic, she looks around her to see if there’s anybody nearby. “Not here.”

“Where, then?” James asks. Natalia shakes her head.

“Somewhere else,” she says shortly. It’s just too much of a risk, is what she tells herself. For a few seconds, though, before she starts to think further about it. Is it possible that she doesn’t want him too say it because she’s afraid of it?

Granted, she’s not afraid of much. A stupid word can’t be too big of a deal, can it? But, Natasha’s been so long without attaching herself to people, knowing that they would just get hurt. She realizes it’s already too late for James, she’s already attached to him. But so far they haven’t had to put it down in words. She’s not sure why James would suddenly want to do so, now.

“Fine,” James returns, sounding a bit annoyed. Natalia looks back at him, observing him. The fact that he’s showing these emotions makes it extremely obvious that he’s no longer the man he was before. He has emotions, reactions. If Madame B would become aware of it, or if HYDRA would find out, they would take him away before they can even make their leave.

“I’m going back in,’ Natalia says, then. James nods without looking at her, eyes stuck on the water. She doesn’t wait for any other sort of reaction before she starts walking. James can bite through. It’s just for a few more days.

Natalia, too, has to bite through it. With Madame B usually using Natalia as an example for teaching the younger girls, not much else happens during the next few days. Natalia goes to the library, practices on her dancing. It’s come to the point where she even goes to sleep early because there isn’t much to do. On some occasions she takes little Anthony’s device back out and tries communicating with him again. Only there isn’t any noise coming out of it. Not even the static. She fears that it might be broken.

Liliya arrives back at the institute two days before graduation. She presents herself looking spotless. Her dark hair is put up in a high bun, her clothes are dark. Despite that, she looks horrible in a way. It’s not on the outside, but more in the way she holds herself; slightly more hunched forward, the occasional rubbing on her chest.

As she speaks, there’s less life in her voice. Natalia wonders if that’s what falling in love does to a person? She doesn’t really want to find out.

She doesn’t see James those two days that are left. Hasn’t seen him since they departed from the lake. There’s the fear of being seen together, the fear that people will draw their conclusions. They don’t need that.

The day of her graduation, Natalia wakes up feeling a bit impressed at herself that she even managed to sleep despite the anxiety. Aware that James has put together the plan perfectly (at least, she hopes so), there’s this thrill going on inside of her. If all goes well, she’ll be out of here. Away from the Red Room, away from Madame B. She and James could work alone, make their own living. They’re a good team, surely somebody could use them for dirty jobs.

Natalia is unsure on what she should do with her bags. Should she pack them up? Surely, that would attract some attention and bring unwanted questions. But she also can’t leave without any of her stuff, can she?

The answer comes in the form of Madame B, who gives Liliya a look before turning to Natalia.

“Girls, I want you two to pack your bags. After the ceremony, you’ll both be leaving for your first solo-mission.”

The two look at each other, nodding in understanding. Speaking simultaneously. “Yes, Madame.”

The answer presents itself, it seems. Natalia turns to pull the bag out from underneath her bed. Liliya is silent, which is unlike her. Normally she’s quite chatty, never shutting up. It seems like Madame B’s lesson has proved effective, though Natalia wonders for a few short seconds if she predicted what would happen between her and Nadezhda? It couldn’t be possible, right?

They don’t speak at all the entire time they’re busy putting the few clothes they have into the bag. It’s not a nice suitcase they have or anything like that. For these missions in the past, all they’ve ever carried is their duffle-bag and nothing more.

Eventually, Liliya finishes. She puts the bag on her bed walks towards the window to look outside pensively. Natalia doesn’t involve herself with her. She keeps her head down, avoiding the figure standing in the other side of the room. When she hears the soft sniffing sound of a person crying, dread fills into her bones.

“Are you out of your mind!” Natalia hisses towards Liliya the moment she realizes what’s happening. The sandy-blonde girl doesn’t turn around.

“Mind your own business, Natalia,” she returns with a cracking voice. Then she clears her throat and puts her hand on her hips as she takes a deep, shaky breath.

“If Madame B catches you like this she’ll kill you on the spot!” Natalia continues. Liliya finally turns her head towards Natalia’s direction, giving her a big glare with a red-colored face. Her eyes are puffy, and her cheeks are wet.

“What do you care, huh? You just stood there when it happened. With your precious soldier. Tell me, Natalia, how is it that you can parade around with him right in front of Madame B’s nose, but I get Nadezh taken away from me? Huh? Tell me!”

Natalia is taken aback by the reaction. Instantly, she regrets having said something to Liliya in the first place. She should have just shut her mouth, shouldn’t she?

“The Soldier is nothing but a mentor to me,” Natalia says lowly, much better in control of her voice in comparison to Liliya. It’s not for nothing that she’s considered the best in the group. “You should just have known that ‘love’ is something that makes you weak.”

“No human is built to not-love,” Natalia gets in return. “Everybody loves something in their lives. Even you do.”

Out of reflex, Natalia pulls out a pair of knifes from her bag and throws it in Liliya’s direction. She doesn’t know where the burst of anger came from, but at least she’s aware enough at the moment to miss Liliya, though only by an inch or so. Shocked by the sudden knifes sent her way, Liliya’s eyes are open wide, her mouth dropped down as she stares at the weapons currently stuck in the wall.

“Do not mistake me for any ordinary girl,” Natalia hisses towards her. “I have not spent all my life working up to this moment to have you throw such insults at me.”

Natalia isn’t even aware that she walked up to the girl. With their faces close together, Natalia can feel Liliya’s breath on her cheeks. Still, she doesn’t pull away. With her hands, she reaches for the two knifes before she pulls them out of the wall.

“I guess there’s one thing you love,” Liliya mutters. “And that is your ego.”

Natalia snorts before taking a step back at last. Then she turns around, heads back to her bed and puts away the knives.

“You can say whatever you want about it,” Natalia returns.

“Clearly I can’t since you almost cut my head off last time.”

“I do not care anymore.” Natalia closes her bag, throws it on her pillow, and then heads towards the door. Meanwhile, Liliya keeps on standing by the window, her eyes trained on Natalia’s retreating back.

Ever a master in the many forms of disguises, Natalia manages to mask away any proof of the interaction that happened back in the sleeping quarters. As far as anybody else is concerned, she finished packing her bags and headed out without talking to Liliya at all. She walks straight with even, quiet steps.

She has no idea where she is expected. Maybe Madame B wanted her to say in the rooms? If so, she would have told so, no? Natalia looks around in the grand hall, where he can see multiple young girls all walking in line, heading to the next lesson. Natalia knows which direction they’re going.

It’s James’ class.

There’s this strong urge inside of her, telling her to go with them and look at how he teaches his classes. They are considered special lessons since the Soldier is planned to leave again after the ceremony.

Her head feels weird. It’s like her whole body is yearning to go to the room, to see James, see him work with the children. But it’s her mind that tries to hold her back, telling her that it would be stupid to do so. She would attract attention, after all. Especially after the assumptions Liliya has been making earlier.

Natalia closes her eyes and turns around. She should head to the library, read up a bit before she’s called for the ceremony. She still has no clue what this is going to entail; is it a last murder? Is it a sparring session between her and Liliya? If so, she needs to be extra careful for the child. Before realizing it, her hand is already on her stomach.

“Miss Natalia?” somebody asks behind her. Natalia turns around, finding a young girl standing there, dressed fully in her ballet uniform. Her posture, her stance, they’re all perfect. Her hair is neatly, her face without emotion. She looks exactly how Natalia used to look at that age.

“Yes?” she asks. The girl nods towards her.

“Madame B expects you outside,” she explains. “Everybody is ready to begin.”

Right now? It’s already starting? Natalia watches in confusion as the girl starts sprinting off, towards the room James is normally teaching in. Should she tell him, make sure that he knows? But… that could endanger the mission, no?

Though, him not knowing that they’re starting earlier than planned could be dangerous, too.

It’s a hard choice to make, but eventually she decides to simply head to the courtyard. Surely, nothing too horrible could happen from starting a little bit earlier. If she’s correct, they’re going to want to involve James in the ceremony, anyway, since he’s been her teacher in the past few months. Natalia starts walking with her head straight and her arms next to her body.

On the way, she’s stopped. A woman she’s seen multiple times before but has never learned the name off hands her something. It’s a piece of clothing. A long black dress, she realizes. When she looks up at the woman in confusion, she finds that she’s already walking away.

It’s better to just do what they want, she figures. Without shame, she shrugs out of her clothing and puts on the dress. It’s too open, the fabric too light for the betraying temperatures of Russia, but she’s been trained to withstand much worse. So she loosens her hair out of the bun she made, takes off her shoes and starts walking towards the door.

“Natalia Alianovna Romanova, come forward, please,” somebody says the moment she’s outside. Her feet sting upon the first contact of the cold stone underneath them, but she shows no sign of feeling it. Keeping her head raised, she moves forward to the source of the sound. In front of her are multiple people standing; teachers, trainers. She can even see James there, somehow. That must mean that somebody took over his class, then.

She doesn’t meet his eyes, meets nobody’s. Instead, she looks straight ahead, walking forward until they tell her to stop. Flanking her are two rows of assassins. She recognizes them; they’re assets from the past year, the ones who have graduated before her. There’s only a few she knows by name, but she figures that if she were to look at them, they wouldn’t give her any sort of recognition. They’re trained better than that, after all.

“Liliya Alexaj Aliyev, come forward, please,” follows after that. Natalia hides the deep breath she takes. She hates all the eyes that are pointed at her, like she’s just a piece of art at an exhibition, and people are studying her. Especially in this dress.

Eventually, Liliya comes standing next to her, wearing the same black dress as Natalia does. Her fair hair is loose as well, falling down into its natural curls. All in all, the woman standing next to her is actually really beautiful.

But the pain in her face is too obvious. She’s standing as straight as she used to, her posture slightly hunched forward. Her eyes shout out her agony, the tension in her lips as she tries to keep a straight face. Natalia wonders how a soldier, an asset as good as her, could fall so deep.

“You girls are the only two left of your year,” Madame B starts explaining. “As you know, it is only the best we want, and after the multiple trials you have been put through, it has been revealed that the two of you are in fact the best we have.”

There’s some whispering around them, all about Liliya. Natalia can hear it, especially with her heightened hearing. But even without it, she’s pretty sure Liliya could hear it as well. She’s unmovable, though. Her face stays hard.

“You have been put through situations, you’ve faced challenges and you’ve learned lessons over the years. We believe that everything you’ve been through has made you into the strong women you are today.”

Madame B moves forward, heading towards Liliya and putting her face between her hands. Then she kisses both her cheeks.

“I’m not sorry for what I’ve put you through, my child,” she says. Then she hands her something. Natalia can’t see what it is. “Now finish the last challenge, and you will be fully one of ours.”

Liliya nods, taking whatever she’s handed to. From the corner of her eyes, Natalia can see it’s a gun. So the last trial is a kill. It seems pretty basic, even weak, in her opinion. They’ve killed before, after all.

Liliya takes a few steps back, but before she can start with whatever she’d told to do, Madame B turns to Natalia.

“Natalia, my star,” she begins, reaching out her hands towards her face as well. Natalia doesn’t pull away, though she really wants to. “In all these years, you’ve always been my most promising student.”

Natalia doesn’t react to it. Her eyes meet Madame B’s, feeling that cold stare of hers. Natalia wonders if Madame B is even capable of affection. She claims to care for her, but Natalia’s never really sure about that. Doubtless, Madame B would kill her in an instant if she would find out about her plans to get out of here.

“I have always been able to count on your success. You have made me very proud in all these years.”

Natalia fights the urge to frown. Why is Madame B being so… heartfelt? It’s like she’s about to bring him some bad news.

“You will graduate today, of that I’m sure.” Suddenly, there’s something being pressed against her hand. Natalia looks down, finding a gun as well. It’s the same as Liliya’s.

Is this what this is about? Will they be put against one another? But that would mean there’s only one graduating today, no? Natalia looks back up, but the look she’s getting from Madame B is unreadable.

“There’s yet one last lesson I want you to learn.”

Madame B walks backward after that. Her eyes are on Liliya, and suddenly she nods. Natalia can hear Liliya’s gun being prepared for the shot. She’s all too aware of it being pointed at her. Natalia freezes on the spot.

Liliya must have known about this, right? Isn’t that extremely to her advantage? Did they do that because there’s no doubt that Natalia would win otherwise? She _is_ , after all, much stronger than anybody here.

“Soldat,” suddenly comes from Madame B’s mouth. Natalia can see James look in confusion after that. “Kannst du bitte vortreten?”

James frowns. Natalia dares not to move. Surely, Madame B is not going to make her do whatever she _thinks_ she’s going to, right? It would probably be the stupidest move in the world, after all! It would turn HYDRA against them all for putting down their best asset.

“Gnädige Frau?” James asks once he’s standing next to Madame B. The woman leans towards him, whispering something inside his ear. Horror dawns all over Natalia when she sees James’ face turn white, scared all of the sudden.

No way, there’s no way. In no possible situation would James ever let his emotions get the better of him like that. There’s only one explanation for this.

Madame B knows.

“I believe that, to truly become a Widow as your comrades, you must experience love and lose it,” Madame B continues, stepping away from James. “With all my subjects, this was fairly easy to accomplish. But with you, Natalia, it was like teaching a dog how to speak; practically impossible.”

Natalia’s barely aware of her breathing speeding up. Her hands are balled into fists, but she can’t move. Behind her, Liliya is still pointing the gun at her.

“I sensed a change in your behavior when you were paired up with the Soldat. I would never have expected it to happen, but… it seems like you’re still human, after all.” Madame B smirks all of the sudden. “I’m afraid I’m not giving you a choice, my child.”

Liliya cocks the gun. Natalia takes a sharp breath. James looks furious.

“Finish him,” she demands. Natalia doesn’t move at all.

“No,” she returns sternly. “I do not feel love. I am not going to finish a valuable asset like the Soldat.”

Madame B smirks again, though shaking her head.

“HYDRA was foolish to allow the Soldat here. They should have known he would make it out of here alive.” Madame B nods towards everybody else, and suddenly, all the people are pointing their guns at her. “Finish him.”

“I do not love this man!” she shouts in return.

“Hah, as if! Don’t pretend you two weren’t planning on bailing the moment the ceremony would be over, Natalia!” Liliya shouts behind her. “I heard every word of it. After all, I was assigned to keep an eye on you.”

Natalia turns around, suddenly pointing her gun towards Liliya. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she bites out.

“You’re expecting, aren’t you? It’s the reason you’re trying to escape. I must say, I would not have expected this from you, Natalia.”

“You’re talking nonsense!” Natalia shouts back. Liliya raises the gun a bit higher, looking like she’s at the verge of pulling the trigger.

“Liliya, no!” Madame B snaps. “Natalia, you have very few choices left, I’m afraid.”

“You’re all insane! A good general would not sacrifice their best soldier!”

“They would to create an even better soldier.” Then Madame B sighs. “Soldat.”

James doesn’t turn, just stares. His hands are holding his own guns, but he seems uncertain as to who to point them to.

“Desire,” Madame B suddenly says. James’ eyes turn large instantly. After that, he seems to know exactly who to point his gun at. Without hesitation, he shoots a bullet in Madame B’s direction, though nothing comes out. He looks at his gun in horror. Natalia, too, feels dread fill her entire body.

The ammunition he’s got are blanks. He’s got nothing to defend him with like this.

“Rusted,” Madame B continues. James lets out an angry growl and fishes out a pair of knives from his pants. He throws them at Madame B, and though one manages to hit her in the leg, the other one barely misses her. Madame B grunts painfully, but she doesn’t stop. “Seventeen.”

“James!” Natalia shouts. James, now without knives in his inventory, turns back to her with fearful eyes.

“Natalia, get out of here!” he shouts at her.

“Dawn.”

James falls down on his knees, his hands grabbing his head while he lets out an agonizing shout. He shakes his head, trying to drown out the words. Natalia grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him.

“I’m not leaving without you!” she shouts back at him. “We can take them!”

James looks back at her with red eyes. Then he shakes his head. “No, we can’t. I can’t.”

“James?”

“Stove.”

James starts punching his arms on the ground. With a wild swing, he reaches out in Madame B’s direction, but she’s too far away. Immediately, he stands back up, leaving Natalia where she’s kneeled down and heading towards Madame B.

It’s impossible to say what’s going on in James’ mind. He looks like he’s lost it. There’s nothing left of his cool demeanor, his calm image that he’s been keeping up the entire time he’s been with them. Now, he just looks so angry, so… hurt.

“Nine.”

A group of people collect in front of Madame B to protect her from the soldiers. They have their weapons raised at James, but it’s obvious they have the instruction not to shoot. Otherwise, they both would have been dead instantly. Natalia tries to run towards him, but she’s suddenly stopped by an arm pulling her back. Then, before she knows it, there’s a blow to her head. It feels like the handle of the gun that makes contact with her skull.

“Kind-hearted.”

Natalia falls on the ground, but she’s been trained for this. Despite the moment of disorientation, she jumps back up on her feet and turns towards Liliya, who looks at her with an insane expression. Her lips are curled up into a wide smile, her gun still pointed at Natalia as if it’s her lifeline.

“You of all people should not want to do this,” Natalia bites at her. She doesn’t even really know what she’s saying, what she’s referring to. Liliya just chuckles maniacally.

“Exactly; which is why I’m the one who knows what needs to be done,” she bites back. “You’re weak, Natalia. You act all tough, and sure, you have the strength. But you’ve been weak all along.”

“I am NOT weak!” Natalia shouts back, swinging her fist towards Liliya’s head and hitting her hard. The gun falls out of the girl’s hand, and Natalia kicks it away.

“Homecoming.”

Natalia rolls Liliya onto her stomach, and then she sits down on top of her, pulling her hands behind her back and pointing her own gun at her head. It’s a warning for all the people around them. Those other Widows who are threatening to shoot at her.

She looks up at James, trying to see where he’s at.

“One,” Madame B calls out. James stops in his movement, turning to face Natalia. There’s visible horror in his eyes as they meet hers. She’s not sure if she’s imagining it, but she could swear there are tears rolling over his cheeks.

There’s a long moment of silence around them. It’s as if al other sounds have disappeared, and all Natalia can hear is her and James. He’s breathing fast, his heart going at a speed that’s not healthy for longer periods of time.

His lips moving, saying something a normal human wouldn’t have heard. But, Natalia isn’t normal.

“ _I love you_.”

Natalia’s heart stops. The words are unexpected, sounding more like a goodbye than anything else.

“James!” she shouts at him.

“Freight car.”

And then all expression leaves James’ face. The tears are still there on his cheeks, but there are no new ones rolling down. The tension in his fists are loosened. The people protecting Madame B separate, allowing the woman to walk up to him. Whatever she tells him next, Natalia can’t hear it.

She’s only aware of the woman suddenly pointing at her.

And that’s when James suddenly moves. Liliya seems to take that moment of surprise to jump free from Natalia’s hold. She runs to the side, picks up her gun, and joins the other Widows again.

“James, what’s going on?” Natalia asks. There’s a salty taste on her lips. It’s taking a long while for her to realize it’s her own tears.

James doesn’t answer. He just walks closer and closer, nearing her with such a murderous look in his eyes. Natalia’s throat hurts all of the sudden. Her hand unknowingly reaches for her chest.

“James, stop it!”

But he doesn’t. And automatically, despite everything her entire body is telling her, she raises her gun towards him. Her hands are shaking, tears rolling over her cheeks. There’s a desperate sob coming out of her mouth, surprising even her.

“James, please,” she gets out. But there’s no recognition in his eyes. Nothing that indicates he has any idea who she is. She takes another few steps back, until there’s suddenly a gun pressed against her back. Looking backwards quickly, she finds the other Widows, preventing her from getting any further.

“Kill him!” Madame B calls out. Natalia shakes her head, running into the opposite direction. James swings out his fist, but Natalia drops down on her knees and slides through his legs, jumping back up with practiced moves. When she turns back around, she’s not too surprised to see that James loses his stability a bit by punching into the air. Without warning, she jumps up onto his shoulders, shredding loose a piece of fabric from her dress and using it to bind his hands against his neck.

“James, stop this! It’s me!” she whispers at him. But James ignores her. He runs towards the other Widows, drops himself down on the ground with her along with it, and then he makes a roll. Natalia grunts in pain, her head hitting the stone a bit too hard. In the process, she bit her tongue, making her taste blood in her mouth.

When she opens her eyes, she sees James’ boot near her face. Quickly, she rolls over to her side, stumbling up against a few of the other Widows who push her back into the ring they’ve formed. Natalia moves to the side quickly, and that’s when the first shot is made.

But James missed. Instead, he hit the Widow she had been standing in front of. The woman gasps in surprise before dropping down on the ground with a bullet in her head.

Nobody reacts. It’s just another casualty to them. Natalia wonders when this madness will end; would Madame B really sacrifice everybody here to make sure Natalia learns a lesson?  

“Everybody here is expendable,” Madame B calls out. “Everybody except for you, my Star.”

Natalia grits her teeth together. If everybody’s expendable, that would mean she is, too, right. In a quick movement, Natalia points her gun in Madame B’s way, shooting it without much hesitation. But just as she pulls the trigger, James grabs for her, ruining her aim. Instead of hitting her in the head, the bullet hits her in the shoulder.

Madame B makes a painful sound. She reaches for the hurting spot, looking at the blood that comes pouring down. Natalia shouldn’t be surprised that all the Widows have started moving again.

“No!” Madame B shouts. “Don’t interfere! This is between her and the Soldier.”

The Widows freeze on the spot, eyes rested on Natalia, who is still stuck in James’ hold. She kicks at him, and punches him in the side, but she doesn’t dare to do much more than that. Not when it’s not just her life on the line.

James’ eyes are trained on her, looking at her murderously, without any emotion in them. It’s obvious that he has a mission and he’s not going to stray from it. But it just takes one second, one small moment of respite, and that’s all Natalia needs. Quickly, she swings her legs, around his neck, much like she did the very first time they sparred.

With James’ metal hand wrapped around her own throat, they’ve brought themselves back to a copy of their very first battle together; choking each other, and waiting for who will be the first one to give up.

But James is not going to give up. And that’s Natalia’s weakness here; because she knows she will.

It’s all so obvious, all of the sudden. Tears are welling up in her eyes, air becoming harder to get. Natalia takes a quick look to the side, noticing the gun Madame B gave her before this all started. With trouble she reaches for it, only barely able to grab it.

“James, please, if you’re in there fight this! Don’t make me do this,” she begs him. The words don’t come out easily. James’ face turns red from the lack of air, but there are no signs of him pulling back any time soon.

Dark spots start forming in front of her eyes. She’s very close to losing consciousness.

“James…” she repeats. James blinks once. But there’s still nothing. With a sob, Natalia closes her eyes, hating herself for this. “I’m so sorry.”

The gun cocks in her hand. Trembling, Natalia raises it towards James’ head. She bites her teeth together, feeling helpless, broken. Alone. And she finally understands, finally knows how to describe it. What has been going on between them two.

“I love you,” she whispers, low enough for only him to hear. That brings her a moment of hesitation. Just one moment. After that, she pulls the trigger.

James falls down to the side. His hand let loose of Natalia’s throat. Instantly, she gasps for breath, rolling towards her side and puking on the ground. She can’t hold it anymore, it all has to come out.

She sobs, she cries. There’s no way she could feel even more horrible than right now. Carefully, she starts crawling towards James. She needs to see him, see if he’s alright.

But she should know better. The shot was clean, right in the head. There’s no way he could have survived. Natalia presses her face on the ground before she can even reach him.

“Take her away,” Madame B suddenly says. Natalia shakes her head, pulling her arm loose the moment somebody tries to grab it. With the gun in her hand, she jumps back up on her feet. She has no trouble identifying Liliya in the crowd. She’s the only one wearing the same black dress dress as her.

“LILIYA!” she shouts, surprised at her own voice. Madame B must have gestured the others to stop, since nobody’s trying to interfere. With the gun in her hand, Natalia raises it towards the girl in question.

“You understand now, don’t you?” she asks with a grin. “You understand why they made us wear black?”

Natalia ignores her. She starts walking forward, pushing aside all the other Widows that are in her way. Liliya raises her gun as well, meanwhile taking some steps back to keep the distance between them.

“Widows. That’s what they’re making of us!” Liliya continues, voice shaky. “One is only a widow after losing somebody she’s loved, isn’t she?”

“SHUT UP!” Natalia shouts. Liliya’s eyes leave Natalia’s shortly, looking to somewhere over her shoulder.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?”

And that’s when Natalia stops in her steps. Her hand holding the gun lowers faintly, a gasp of air leaving her lungs. She reaches for her chest, pressing on the place where her heart is supposed to be. New tears form in her eyes before she looks back up.

“It’s such a horrible feeling, no? It almost even makes you wonder why people would even choose to fall in love. And that’s the lesson here. That’s why we’re dressed in black. That’s why we’re Widows.”

Natalia takes a deep breath through her nose, her eyes pointed on the floor. Then, without any warning, she raises the gun again and pulls the trigger. Even before Liliya can respond, it hits her right in the chest. A bullet, straight to the heart. There’s nothing that will save her now.

“N-Natalia?” Liliya asks. She looks back at her, shocked. As she coughs, blood suddenly comes pouring out her mouth. It only takes a few seconds before she loses her battle against death and falls down on the ground.

Natalia, too, drops down. Letting go of the gun at last, she presses her hands against her eyes.

She doesn’t care that they can all see her cry. She doesn’t even care that she was trained not to show emotion. A quick look backwards, and she sees that James hasn’t moved since she pulled the trigger.

In defeat, she just lets go of everything. She doesn’t fight when they grab for her and get her back on her feet. She doesn’t fight when they pull her back inside the building. Nor when they put her down on a bed in medical.

There’s no more fight left in her, and after a while, a mask is pressed against her face and sleep catches up with her.

 

* * *

 

 

Natalia wakes up to a nightmare. There’s blood, gunshots, and many tears present. James’ lifeless eyes looking back at her, betrayed by her as she pulled the trigger against his head and ended his life.

Her eyes are wet as she opens them. The room she’s in is dark. Her arms are bound, preventing her to move. Confused, she looks around, finding that she’s not in the sleeping quarters.

What happened? She can’t remember it all too well, it hurts her head a little bit. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tries to think back of the last thing that happened before she went to sleep, but…

There was the graduation ceremony. That she remembers. Madame B handing her and Liliya a gun, and then her telling something to James.

Oh no… then there was a fight. She doesn’t remember too much about it. Instead, her mind moves her forward to… James fighting her? There’s no way he would have done that willingly. He would have ended his life rather than going against her, right?

Natalia looks down at her stomach. There’s nothing to see, but there wasn’t anything to see at the graduation, either. New tears form in her eyes as she leans back down.

She’s never been afraid of blood; one shouldn’t be in the life she has. But the memory of James’ blood, the idea that, because of her, it streamed out of his head, pouring out his life… Natalia sobs at the understanding.

So this is how it feels like to have your heart broken. She tries to reach for her chest, tries to put pressure on it. But she can’t. Her hands are stuck next to her body. Despite the struggle, she can’t get free.

“Calm down, Natalia,” a familiar voice says. Natalia stops moving, looking up at the source of the voice. There stands Madame B, with her right arm in a sling. She doesn’t look angry, or disappointed, which is exactly what troubles Natalia right now.

Madame B puts a hand on Natalia’s shoulder, squeezing it lightly before giving her a smile.

“Everything’s over now, my child,” she says. “You’ve been cleaned up, taken care of. You’re as good as new.”

Dread fills Natalia, and quickly, she shakes her head again.

“What did you do with it?” she asks loudly, despite it aching her throat. Madame B frowns at her.

“With what?” she asks, innocently.

“The child?” Natalia’s voice breaks. “What did you do to my child?”

Madame B looks in understanding, then. Swiftly, she moves her hand from Natalia’s shoulder to her stomach, touching bare skin. Natalia shudders.

“Oh, my dear. A child would be the only other thing that would make you want to leave this all behind. We had to get rid of it.”

Natalia shouts. There’s such a strong wave of anger and agony hitting her, hurting her all over her body. She lurches off the bed, but she can’t get anywhere. Her head shakes, her hands balled into tight fists as she tries to free herself from the binds. But they don’t give.

“I suppose it’s for the best we do this all the time from now on,” Madame B continues. “Take away the one thing that might matter more than a mission.”

Madame B leans forward, kissing Natalia on the forehead.

“You’ve taught us so much, my dear. Thank you for that.”

After that, Madame B pulls away. She takes a few steps backwards, eyes never leaving Natalia’s.

“You will see, child. After this, everything will be much easier.”

Madame B leaves the room with no further word. And Natalia, she can only sob through her own tears at the realization that, in their inability to get out quickly enough, she lost everything dear to her.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings:  
> \- Character death  
> \- Forced Abortion  
> \- violence


	6. Glava pyataya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've re-written this chapter about three times or so. It just never felt right, and at the end I think it's a bit obvious I just gave up a bit. The story was never supposed to be long, and this chapter was supposed to be the end, yet I feel it's a pretty empty ending. The Epilogue will bring a better ending. This chapter just needed to go over a LOT of things. And I tried writing the first part of the chapter Natasha's point of view, but it never worked. So, let's have some Clint, instead.  
> If the timeline seems wrong, I'm following the timeline on the Marvel Cinematic Universe WIKI, so while I always thought the events of Iron Man happened in 2008, it turns out it all happened in 2009! 
> 
> I hope it's not too disappointing.

Clint Barton is a complex man who likes to pretend he’s simple. In fact, he _is_ pretty simple because he aspires to be, but his past doesn’t always make that easy for him. There’s been blood on his hands, mostly accidental, though also purposely in search for revenge.

But Clint’s past is his past, and the biggest reason he joined this group is because he was offered a second chance, a chance to redeem himself. Clint hadn’t even known it was possible.

He still kills, yeah. It’s mostly out of self-defense, though, or in defense of his teammates. But there’s no revenge. No bloodthirst.

And Clint is loving life pretty much right now. He’s got his sister healthy, she’s just started college and she’s safe, being watched by some agents to make sure nobody goes after her. He’s got his friends here, his team, and his wife. Yeah, life’s pretty good.

This morning, after Clint got out of the shower, Sitwell came up to him with the message that director Carter wanted to see him. Clint doesn’t really know what she wants, but if it’s the big chief, it can’t be something good, right? He doesn’t come _close_ to being recommended for a promotion, after all. Besides, he’s rather a field agent than an administrative jerk that orders people around.

“Clint?” Bobbi asks from the bed as Clint gets himself dressed. Her long, blonde hair is wild, spread out on the mattress under her, the pillow tucked to her chest rather than underneath her head. “What’s going on?”

Clint smiles at the woman. He gently leans forward to kiss her on the head before pulling away. “The boss wants to see me. I won’t be long.”

Bobbi groans, stretching out her arms and legs and turning onto her back. Her blue eyes meet Clint’s, and her lips curl up as she looks at him.

“I’ll wait here,” she says. Clint knows that it’s not true; they’re not supposed to stay in their quarters for this long. Bobbi obviously has a long day ahead of her. As far as Clint knows, she’s been scheduled for several training sessions today.

“No you won’t. See ya, my mockingbird.” Clint walks towards the door, waving at Bobbi with his left hand to show off the wedding ring once again.

“See ya, my Hawkeye!” she returns before rolling back over. Clint still smirks as he closes the door behind him. A couple of agents greet him once he’s out, and he nods back at them. Then, with a slight feeling of dread, he starts heading towards the higher offices.

He’s met Director Carter a few times since he’s been here. She’s an elder woman now, once-brown hair now grey, face still beautiful despite the aging. She used to be Captain America’s girlfriend, the rumors say. She’s never confirmed it and avoids every mention of him. As far as Clint knows, she’s married to agent Sousa, who has been retired for a year now.

“Barton,” a familiar voice says behind him. Clint turns around, finding Phil walking up to him.

“Come on, Philly, you know you can call me Clint,” Clint assures him with a wink. Phil Coulson is a few years older than him, and they’re on the same team. He’s a good agent on the field, but as far as Clint knows his one dream is to one day become director of this entire organization.

“Are you heading to the bureaus?” Phil asks. Clint shrugs.

“Yeah, chief wants to see me,” he says. Phil nods in understanding. He walks alongside him for a few seconds, but eventually he takes a turn to the right.

“Good luck then, Clint.”

Clint holds up his thumb, and after Phil disappears in the elevator he walks on. Out of habit, he reaches his fingers behind his ears to make sure that the hearing aids are still secure. He clears his throat before walking forward.

Arriving at Director Carter’s door, Clint knocks five times on the wood. Once he hears Carter’s voice behind it, he opens it.

“Good morning, Director,” Clint greets the woman seated at the desk. Carter smiles at him, bright red lipstick making her teeth look bright white.

“Good morning, agent Barton. I’m glad you could join me,” she returns. Clint just nods. When she gestures at him to sit down, he hurries towards the chair.

“Do you have a mission for me, ma’am?”

Carter nods, leaning to the side and taking out some files from her desk drawer. Then she puts it down on the table.

“What I’m about to tell you is secret,” she tells him. Clint nods. After that, she opens the file. “Years ago, when I was much younger, we were onto an organization in Russia that would train young girls into assassins. It was called the Red Room.”

Clint stays quiet while she speaks. He knows better than to interrupt.

“I once faced one of their assets. I knew her as Dottie Underwood,” Carter continues. “We managed to capture her, but eventually she got out of jail and bailed back to Russia. Now we’ve come to believe that she took over the institute.”

After showing multiple vague images of this Dottie Underwood, including the mugshots that were taken of her back when she was captured, Carter pulls up another file. This time there’s another woman on the picture. She looks young, maybe about ten years younger than Clint.

“This is one of their current assassins,” Carter explains. The first few pictures are in black and white, and mostly vague. The more recent ones are in full color, showing that the girl has short red hair and her face mostly hidden away behind some sort of scarf, maybe? Clint takes the picture in his hands.

“When was this taken?” he asks.

“Last week. We were pretty lucky with this shot, in fact since she’s literally impossible to catch.” Carter clears her throat. “There’s something special about her, though. I met her once, back in the seventies.”

Clint looks up from the picture. “That’s not possible. She looks like she’s in her twenties?”

Carter nods. “I know,” she admits. “She went undercover at Stark Industries back then, introduced herself as Natalee Rosen. I was suspicious of her but I never got any dirt on her. After a while, she just disappeared again.”

“And now you want to know how she still looks like this even though she looked like she was twenty in the seventies?” Clint asks before Carter can explain what he’s supposed to do. But Carter shakes her head.

“No,” she says shortly. “This woman has disappeared and resurfaced a lot in the past thirty years. She’s been linked to about seventy murders since then. She arrives, kills, and then she disappears again for months at a time maybe.”

“Why would you take an interest in her now, then?” Clint asks.

“We’ve been trying to get her in the past few years, but she always managed to slip through our fingers. Our last attempt brought us a great loss when Agent Floren was killed in action. We are desperate to have her taken down.”

“You want me to kill her?” Clint asks, surprised. Carter nods.

“Yes,” she admits. “I know it’s not our usual method, but she’s brought too many losses in people’s lives and she’s proven to be a great threat to us all.” Carter sighs before rubbing her forehead. “I know it’s not the most pleasant task you’ve received, but I’m told that you’re the best we have.”

Clint clears his throat once more.

“Where do I need to go?” he asks. Carter looks at him gratefully before leaning forward with a pen in her hand, and on an empty piece of paper, she starts explaining what their next move will be.

Clint leaves the same day. He doesn’t tell Bobbi where he’s going, nor does Phil know. He feels a bit bad to leave them without an explanation, but he’s not allowed to talk about it. It’s going to suck if he wouldn’t make it back, but if Clint has his arrows ready, he’s not that easily taken down. Just keep his distance, and in just a fraction of a second the woman is down.

Clint travels to Russia. He’s packed warm clothes, but he knows that won’t really be enough. He doesn’t speak to the pilot at all during the trip, instead looking down on his piece of paper while he tries to figure out what to write Bobbi.

He left without telling her anything. He didn’t warn Coulson or Melinda, either. Instead he took four days to voyage to Russia, doing the first part by plane before getting into a car and driving off into the snowy landscape himself.

He’s gotten an address where they suspected her to be. It’s where she disappeared after they took that last picture. A person has been on the lookout, but they don’t have any weapons on them. When Clint gets close enough to the location, he abandons the car, disguising. He memorizes where he put it, and then starts making his trek to the meeting point.

The agent that had been assigned to keep watch on the building is a young woman. She’s dressed in warm, white clothes. If Clint hadn’t known she was there, he might have missed her at first. _At first_ , because Clint notices almost everything.

“Agent Barton,” she greets him, holding out her hand for him to shake. Clint nods at her. “I’m agent Rosa Dennis. Welcome to Russia.”

“Thank you,” Clint returns. He turns towards the building, putting his hands on his hips. “What’s the deal with this building?” he asks.

Rosa turns as well, handing him a binocular. He puts it on his eyes, getting a better view of the building.

“The place is pretty abandoned. I suppose the big ‘chiefs’ have left about yesterday, though the asset hasn’t disappeared as far as I know.”

Clint nods. “And security?”

“Limited from the outside, though I suspect they’re mostly inside. Not much is happening here, though. The woman was escorted inside, and hasn’t come out since, so she must still be inside.”

Clint sighs, handing her back the binoculars before wrapping the scarf around his neck. “You stay here, stay available for radio contact. Don’t talk unless I contact you, alright?”

Rosa nods, taking the radio from him. They test it out before Clint grabs a couple of guns out of his backpack and counts the arrows in his quiver. Then he looks back at Rosa and gives her a small smirk.

“I’ll see you after this,” he says. He jumps up on his feet and dives down into the trees. He moves fast, without making too much noise of leaving too many traces. Once he gets closer, he crouches down next to a fallen tree.

A couple of guards pass by, so Clint holds his breath for a bit. Once their backs are pointed to him, he grabs to arrows and shoots them, hitting both men in the head. They fall down instantly without being able to let out a scream. The sound is drowned out by the snow. Clint jumps back on his feet, pulling out the two arrows and moving forward.

Stealth is Clint’s specialty. It’s the reason why he ended up in SHIELD’s radar, after all. He makes quick work of taking down the guards outside, mostly using his arrows, but sometimes just using his hands. He’s way past feeling any guilt towards these people. He’s learned to let that go after a while. After all, this organization steals young girls away and trains them to become assassins. There’s no humanity in them, anyway.

The guards on the inside are trickier. There are a lot more in here, and though he’s discarded of the bright white clothes and took of the white powder off his bow, he’s still an easy target. But, it’s a testament of his own talent that he ends up not being spotted at all.

Damn, he’s good.

It takes about an entire hour for him to get inside. He’s slightly sweaty, and he’s got a punch in the face earlier when one of the guards turned around a bit too early – luckily, he hadn’t screamed, or Clint would have been screwed. It’s probably going to bruise, which will be fun to explain to Bobbi when he gets home.

Clint ends up in front of a door. He takes a peek through the window, seeing that it seems empty. Though, given the five guards that were outside, he figures something important must be there.

Clint hurries into the room, taking quick, light steps. His bow is ready with an arrow, his eyes scanning over every little surface in the room.

And he notices it almost immediately. Some sort of… tube? A person inside, frozen, pale white, unmoving. Clint lowers the arrow, loosens the thread, and takes a few careful steps forward.

“What the hell…?” he asks in confusion. Clint puts the arrow back in the quiver, and hangs the bow over his shoulder. With his fist, he taps on the glass, though the woman inside doesn’t respond. With a frown, he turns to his right, finding some sort of control panel.

The buttons are in Russian. “Ah, crap,” he mutters when he realizes it. He can’t read Russian at all, never intended to do so, either. He sighs for a moment before pulling up the radio.

“Rosa?” he asks. A small static sound before a voice comes up.

“ _Yes, agent Barton?”_ she asks.

“Please, call me Clint,” he says. “Do you, by any chance, read Russian?”

“ _As a matter of fact, I do. It’s why I was chosen to come here, after all.”_

Clint lets out a relieved breath. “Great! Can you come inside for a bit? The guards have been taken care off, and there’s nobody left, but I just need you to read something for me.”

“ _Sure, give me a few minutes.”_

After that, their contact is broken and Clint takes another look at the woman inside what must be a cryo tube.

She looks innocent enough, but Clint figures that all murderers do when they’re asleep. Her hair fiery red, her skin pale. Her eyes are closed, but it’s obvious there’s some sort of frown in her expression. She look… pained, sad. Clint takes a few moments to observe it, not liking what he’s seeing at all.

After all, if she’s like the other girls here, she must have been taken against her will. Clint hums, putting his finger against his chin as he thinks.

This girl’s childhood was stolen. She was stolen from her family, taken away from her life to be trained as a machine. She never chose this, she’s just following orders.

But Clint has his own orders. He needs to end her. He should probably just put a bullet in her brain through the tube, get it over with. But he finds that he can’t.

When Rosa arrives at last, Clint still has no idea what he’s going to do. He greets Rosa, seeing her impressed expression on her face.

“You took out all those guards on your own?” she asks. Clint nods.

“Yeah,” he mutters out. Then he points towards the control panel. “Could you tell me what this all means?”

Rosa heads towards the black box with multiple buttons on them. She makes thinking noises as she reads, using her hands as some sort of way to concentrate. It’s rather special to watch, Clint finds. He can’t imagine somebody being able to read this at all.

“It’s mostly just buttons that will operate the tube,” she says. “These are all just details, but these two must be the most important.” She points at two different buttons. “The upper one freezes. The lower one thaws.”

“Oh, alright,” Clint says, and then without any warning he slams the lower button. Rosa jumps up in the air.

“ARE YOU CRAZY?!” she shouts.

“Maybe,” Clint returns. He looks back at the tube, watching how the frost slowly starts disappearing Rosa shuffles around nervously around him.

“Hand me a gun,” she tells him. But Clint shakes his head.

“No, no guns,” he mutters. He puts everything aside and folds the bow together until he can hang if over his belt. The quiver, he keeps on his back. It’s not really that obvious, after all.

It takes a few minutes, but after a while, the tube opens itself up. Clouds of cold air appear up in the sky. The tube lowers itself a bit, but the woman inside of it doesn’t move. Clint fears for a moment that they did something wrong and killed her anyway.

But then she opens her eyes, and they meet Clint’s immediately.

“Hello,” Clint says, waving at her. The woman frowns, looking him over before turning towards Rose. The other agent, she gives a glare. Before Clint can even say anything, she jumps out of her tube, wrapping her arm around Rosa’s neck and using the others to bind Rosa’s hands behind her back. Then she turns towards Clint with a deadly look in her eyes.

“Kto ty?” she asks with a biting tone in her voice. Clint shakes his head, indicating that he has no idea what she asked. “Who are you?”

Clint puts a hand on his chest. “I’m Clinton Francis Barton,” he says. “Feel free to call me Clint.”

The woman still looks like she’s about to kill the both of them. Rosa gives Clint an angry glare. He can understand that, since she’s the one who told him not to do it.

“Why are you here, Clinton Francis Barton?”

Clint shrugs, keeping his hands in the air to indicate that he’s not reaching for a gun or anything. In fact, aside for his bow, all his weapons have been put away on the table behind him, too far for him to just grab them.

“You got under SHIELD’s radar,” he says calmly. “You’ve got a few names on your list, don’t you?”

“Clint, what are you doing?!” Rosa hisses at him. The woman tightens her hold on Rosa’s arm, making the woman grunt in discomfort.

“Tell me, what’s your name?” Clint asks, taking a slow step forward. The woman doesn’t step back, which is good, he thinks.

She hesitates, though. Her eyes scanning the entire room, trying to figure out if this is some sort of training exercise or something. It sickens Clint, the idea that they’ve ‘trained’ her in a way that she can’t really make out what’s real and what isn’t anymore.

“Natalia,” she then says, barely audible. Clint smiles at her, for which he only gets another frown in return.

“Tell me, Natalia. Did they make you do these things? The murders?”

Natalia lets out a deep, shuddering breath. Her hold on Rosa seems to loosen a bit, though the Agent doesn’t yet dare step away. Instead, her dark brown eyes meet Clint’s as she tries to figure out what he’s planning.

“I-“ Natalia starts, until she lets go of Rosa completely. “I didn’t-“

“You didn’t want to do this, did you?”

Natalia shakes her head, suddenly looking up at Clint with eyes that seem to contain every bit of emotion inside of her.

“They- they did something to my head, I- I don’t remember…”

“You don’t remember the murders?” he tries. Natalia shakes her head again.

“I don’t remember anything,” she continues. Then she looks back up, a bit of fear in her eyes. “What year is this?” she asks. Clint looks down at his wrist as if that would hold a calendar on it. Then, instead, he scratches the back of his head.

“2006,” he explains. Natalia’s frown deepens even more. She starts stepping away, looking at the tube she was in earlier as if it’s evil. Then, when she gets to a chair a bit further away, she looks at it with an obvious tense posture. Without any warning, she kicks out her foot onto the chair, making it tip over. Then, with a cry on her lips, she picks it up, holds it over her head and throws it across the room as if it weighs nothing. Rosa shrieks and takes a few steps to the side, though Clint remains where he stands.

“I need to- where is-“ Natalia can’t seem to form any more sentences. With a murderous look, she seems to notice the guns on the table. In a hurry she grabs out for them, checking them for ammo before starting to run towards the door.

“There’s nobody left here, anymore,” Clint tells her shortly. Natalia comes to a stop before she’s out of the room. In one hand she’s holding a shotgun, in the other a simple pistol. Clint’s pretty sure she could kill her bosses with her bare hands, though.

“Where are they?” she asks lowly. Clint shrugs.

“I don’t know,” he says. “I was here to take you down, not them.”

She makes a sudden turn, the gun then raised to him.

“Take me _down_?” she hisses. “You should have done that while I was still in cryo.”

“I’m not going to do it, though,” Clint resumes.

The gun lowers slightly. “Why wouldn’t you? I’ve done horrible things.”

“Because you _haven’t_. They did. They just controlled you to do it.” Clint steps towards her, stepping up towards the raised pistol until it’s pointed right against his forehead.

“Clint, what are you doing?!” Rosa asks with a panicked voice. With a hand gesture, Clint motions for her to step down. He wouldn’t be surprised if he would be called ‘insane’ once he gets back to base.

“I’m unarmed,” Clint says. “All I have are a bunch of arrows, and you’re too fast for me to hit you with them. Now that you have your free will, would you kill me anyway?” he asks.

Natalia frowns once again, clearly in conflict with herself. “I don’t-“ she starts, closing her eyes then.

“Natalia, I’ve seen footage of you in action. You are strong, agile, and a master at sneaking up on people. That means a lot, coming from me, believe me.” Natalia turns to Rosa then, shortly, and the woman then nods hastily. “My organization, where I’m from… we could use someone like you.”

“How do I know you don’t just want me to kill people as well?” she hisses at him.

“That’s what I thought, too. ‘What if they manipulate me into doing something horrible?’ But… I risked it. And now I’m married, I have a kickass team, and I’m helping people.” Clint holds up his left hand, with the wedding band, to accentuate his point. “I know it’s hard to start trusting people after you’ve been taught not to trust anybody. Or after everybody betrayed you. So you don’t have to trust SHIELD yet, but… just trust me, alright?”

Clint holds out his hand towards her, and Natalia gives it a confused look for a bit. She doesn’t lower the gun, it’s still pressed against Clint’s forehead, but her free hand slowly starts reaching for his, pulling back on some occasions in hesitation.

“I’m not… I need to get out of here.”

Clint nods. “I’ll go with you, if you want?” He shrugs, then. “With two is always better than being alone.”

Natalia frowns for a bit more before she nods. She takes Clint’s hand into her own at last and lowers the gun. Without saying a word to Rosa, they start running, out of the building, into the snow. It’s too cold for them, but as soon as they reach the car, they can get out of here.

Clint will get her to SHIELD eventually, but it’s clear that she needs time.

 

* * *

 

 

“ _Barton, this is Coulson, please respond.”_

Clint flips the switch on the device, having forgotten to turn it off after his short call with Bobbi. She clearly isn’t happy with him for leaving for three months, but Clint’s pretty sure she’ll forgive him eventually.

Three months, indeed. That’s how long they’ve been traveling around. Natalia, who has now chosen to go by the name of Natasha Romanoff, since _Natalia Romanova_ is supposed to be an old lady by now, is sitting down on the sand, the water coming up to her feet before disappearing back into the ocean.

There’s a slight breeze in the air, but the sun is high in the sky. He’s aware SHIELD’s expecting for him to return, but he’s got to finish this, first. He’s got to make sure that Natasha is willing to come with him.

She’s been remembering things. They’re pretty messed up, too. Her first kill was when she was about eight or nine – she wasn’t too sure about that. She was put in some sort of class, and each battle was life or death. When she was old enough she was then put up against a soldier, who then agreed to train her. After that, her memory seems to be blurry, but Clint’s already glad that she decided to tell him that.

Natasha trusts him, he knows that already. It’s a good feeling, too, to be trusted. After this whole ordeal with his brother, and the fear of losing his sister during the whole circus-fiasco, he’s glad that he hasn’t become a complete untrustworthy person. He likes being trusted, after all.

Coulson isn’t happy, neither is Fury, Bobbi or Lance. Clint doesn’t mind too much, though, because he still hasn’t gotten any news on Carter. As long as he makes sure to announce that he’s still alive, she doesn’t seem to mind too much that he’s out in the world.

Which is where they are now; at a warm beach somewhere in Greece. It’s a sunny day, the sea looks extremely blue, and there are a couple of families out to play in the water.

Natasha doesn’t go in. Instead, she observes. Clint knows she’s looking at the babies, which makes him wonder if it’s something she wants. She’s clearly young enough to have some, no? If she would open up a bit, Clint’s sure she would definitely find somebody to share that with her.

“I was pregnant,” she suddenly says, startling Clint. He’s sitting next to her, with his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs. His bare feet are on the round stones under them, and with a confused look he turns to Natasha.

“I’m sorry?” he asks, not sure if he understood it right.

“I- James and I, we… I ended up pregnant. They found out and took it away.”

That’s another thing with Natasha. Whatever they’ve done to her, it seems to be hard for her to show emotion. She could be talking about her sister dying and she probably wouldn’t shed a tear. It’s awful to think that somebody’s been trained this way.

“Who’s James?” he asks, trying to steer the conversation away from the baby.

“The Soldier,” she admits. “We were… I lo-…”

“You loved him?” he tries, but no more answer comes from Natasha. It’s been like this for the past three months; her suddenly remembering things and telling him, and then him kind of translating what she actually means.

“We aren’t supposed to love,” Natasha mutters then. She starts to get up on her feet, heading back to the car. Clint grunts as he stands up as well, hurrying after her.

“As a matter of fact, it’s alright to be in love,” Clint says. “After all, I’m married, aren’t I?”

Natasha gives him a confused look. “James is dead,” she says. “They killed him to make me feel the pain.”

“I’m sorry,” Clint returns. It’s horrible to think of; he can’t imagine what he would do if anybody would just kill Bobbi to make him realize love is bad.

“I want to go after her,” she says once she’s reached the car. Her face is full of determination, her mind set on a mission which she seems intent on following through. “I don’t have anything more to live for in this life other than finding her.”

“What do you want to do?” Clint asks, though he already knows the answer.

Natasha turns to look at him. She bites her lips together before taking a deep breath.

“I want to look her into the eyes as the life drains out of her.”

Clint nods, understanding it. He’s past the feeling of needing revenge against the people that wronged him; he’s seen how it turns out, and to this point he still has a bitter feeling of it. It would be hypocritical of him to tell her not to do it, so he doesn’t.

“Alright,” he tells her. “You want to do this alone? Because if you want, SHIELD can help you find her.”

Natasha stares ahead into the nature around them, her face pensive. Clint unlocks the car once he’s next to the door, though he waits with getting inside until Natasha responds.

“I’ll go with you,” she then says. “If you say that SHIELD can help me get to Madame B, then I am willing to come along.”

Clint nods, hiding away the smile that was starting to form on his face. They enter the car and start on their trek back to the airport. It’s time, after all.

After a few long hours of travel, they arrive in Washington DC. They don’t have any bags with them, so they don’t go to the baggage pick-up. Instead, they walk up into the arrival-hall. Natasha doesn’t know who she’s supposed to look out for, but Clint does.

And he spots her immediately.

Bobbi is there, accompanied by Hunter and Coulson. While she looks happy, to see him, Coulson and Hunter both look like they’re sucking on something extremely sour. Clint ignores them, instead pulling Bobbi into his arms and kissing her cheek.

Natasha stays behind him awkwardly, eyes passing over the three strangers in front of them. Clint touches her shoulder briefly, knowing she hates being touched.

“Nat, this is Bobbi, my wife,” he introduces her. Natasha holds out her hand then, out of politeness. Bobbi shakes it with a bright smile on her lips.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Bobbi says.

“I’m sorry for keeping your husband away from you for that long,” Natasha says in an apology. Bobbi just snorts.

“Don’t worry, this guy has left me waiting for far less than that. This time, I might actually forgive him.” Bobbi sticks out her tongue, and Clint rolls his eyes.

“Ha-hah, you’re hilarious,” Clint mutters. “Come, let’s get home.”

“Not yet,” Phil suddenly interrupts. Clint groans in annoyance, throwing his head back and his arms in the air.

“No, no, no Phillip, don’t say it!” he complains.

“We need to debrief you, still. A lot has happened since you’ve been gone.”

“What’s going on?” Clint suddenly asks, realizing this might be serious. He allows Bobbi to take his hand while they start walking. After a quick look to the side, he sees that Nat is following him wordlessly.

“Director Carter, she’s… she’s not doing too good.”

Clint’s not too surprised, to be fair. The woman is around 85 years old, after all. She should have retired long ago, but it seems like she’s unable to let go just yet.

“Her husband told us she’s starting to forget things. He’s been keeping her home for a while now, but she still doesn’t want to stay away. If this keeps up for much longer, the counsel will have her removed from her position as a Director.”

“Jeez, Phil, you sound like you don’t care at all,” Clint mutters. “Where is she now?”

“She’s at the bureau,” Lance says. He’s not one that speaks up quite often, but when he does Clint keeps on being taken aback from his accent. “She wants to see you. Both of you.”

Clint turns to look at Natasha, whose green eyes meet his in return. She nods at him to assure him she’s still on board. Clint then takes a relieved breath.

The drive to the office isn’t long, but it feels so because of the massive jetlag they’re sporting. They’re already halfway through the day, tough back in Greece it’s already evening, close to bedtime. His internal clock is still turned into that time, which makes him feel like he should be sleeping right now.

They’re taken to the upper offices. A couple of agents greet him, glad to see him after such a long time. Others just glare at him for disappearing without a word. Clint doesn’t really care. He lets go of Bobbi’s hand once he’s in front of the door. Instead, he turns towards Natasha and nods sideways.

“Shall we?” he asks. Natasha nods, taking a few steps forward until they’re side by side. Then Clint knocks on the door.

 

* * *

 

 

On the matter of the Red Room, SHIELD has its first breakthrough the year Natasha joined their ranks. After a thorough set of examination, both physical and mental, Natasha was deemed worthy to join SHIELD officially. Once she received her badge for the first time, she looked at it strangely.

“It’s the start of a new life,” Clint assures her with a wide smile. Natasha had just nodded.

After that, they let her join in on the operation. Natasha passes along all the information she has, and each safehouse they storm, Natasha is there with them, leading the invasion. Underwood isn’t there in the first five operations, but the fact that they get to free multiple young children that are held against their will is comfort enough.

Clint can see Natasha open up, though. With every mission, he sees her smile more. One time, Bobbi told her a joke, and she even laughed. It’s kind of wonderful to see, he finds. He feels so extremely protective of her, and he can’t really describe why.

Natasha fits in with the others. It must be weird for her, having teammates instead of competition. The others treat her normally, though. She’s not a former killer to them, but rather a very skilled agent that is providing them extremely helpful information on the matter.

It’s more of a ticking clock, though. With every week, Director Carter seems to be getting worse. Her husband, along with the rest of her family, seems intent on having her retire. She, though, claims she won’t rest until Underwood has been taken care of. So, now they all strive on finishing this mission before Carter is too far gone to come along with them.

She lasts for one more year. Underwood slips right from under them at every instance, and never can they really catch her. Clint can see in Natasha that, slowly, she’s starting to lose hope as well.

Peggy Carter steps back as director from SHIELD on May 26th in 2007. Nick Fury is the one who takes her place after that. He strikes a deal with them.

“I know you want to catch the organization,” he explains after their little team has joined together. A lot has changed in the past year; Lance has left the team, with Melinda instead taking his place. Then there’s Bobbi, Clint and Natasha. Coulson, instead of being a fellow agent on their level, is now their handler.

Despite the fact that their roles have changed, nothing else has much.

“I will still allow you the possibility of going after her. But I need your capabilities elsewhere. Which is why I want to propose something.”

Natasha turns to look at Clint. When he catches her green eyes, he realizes she’s changed the most out of them. It’s obvious that she’s started to trust people more. Of course, she’s not one to talk about her problems to others, nor is she going to spill all of her secrets to any of them. Clint doubts he even knows all of it.

But she’s opened up more. She tries to joke on rare occasions. Her red hair, that had been short when Clint found her, is now at shoulder length. Instead of relying on her heightened strength, she rather makes use of technology and gadgets around her. Clint knows it’s because she wants the bad guys to underestimate her, to think that she isn’t worth much without the trinkets.

“Care to share with the class?” Clint asked after a moment of silence. Hill, next to Fury, clears her throat as she looks down on her folder.

“A few of you remain on the mission. Research, try to track her down. Once you’ve found her, let the rest know and they’ll join.”

Everybody nods. Except Natasha. “And what would you have the others do?” she asked.

“We have received a letter from the US Army, they’ve been on the search for somebody, but haven’t found him in the past five months. I want Barton and Romanoff on the job.”

“Which is?” Clint asks. He can see how tense Natasha is, and he doesn’t like it one bit.

“The location of Dr. Bruce Banner,” Fury explains. The name brings a cold chill through Clint’s body, and he gets up from his seat. Natasha, though, remains unmoving.

“No,” she says. Fury raises an eyebrow at her.

“No?” he asks. She shakes her head, standing up as well.

“The only reason I agreed to join SHIELD was so I could catch that monster myself. You’re not reassigning me to another case,” she says lowly, voice deadly. Fury doesn’t look too impressed, though.

“I believe you were given an order, agent Romanoff,” he says. “Sometimes orders suck, but they might be for your best interest. You’re too close to this, you need a time-out from it.”

Natasha sprints forward, her arm pushing against Fury’s chest until his back is against the wall. She looks about ten seconds away from killing him on the spot. Every agent in the room is on his feet, a couple of them hesitating on whether or not they should pull out their gun. Clint catches Melinda already aiming it at Natasha. So is Hill.

“After what they did to me, I need a _time out_?” Natasha asks in a murderous tone.

“Agent Romanoff, unhand the Director and take a step back,” Hill warns her. Clint reaches out for her to drop her weapon, but she’s too far away.

“You’re going to thank me for it, later,” Fury continues as if his life isn’t being threatened here. “You and Barton leave for Samara in two days.”

Fury holds up his hands, and Natasha lets out one more loud breath through her nose before she lets go of him. Her whole posture is tense, and Clint immediately hurries after her, putting a hand on her shoulder to calm her down.

With any other person she would have pushed them away. Clint, somehow, she seems to trust.

“C’mon, Nat,” Clint whispers at her. “We’ll just find that guy and be back on Underwood’s trail, alright?”

Natasha turns to him, eyes still burning with anger, but Clint is certain that it’s not directed at him. He offers her a light smile, and Natasha lets out a heavy breath.

“Fine,” she mutters out. She marches out of the room, followed by Melinda and Coulson, who are deep in conversation. Bobbi, though, remains behind.

“Clint, you have a moment?” she asks. Clint sighs. Right, this is another thing that has changed in the past year.

“Yeah?” he asks awkwardly. She sighs sadly, looking down at her hand before holding it out. The golden ring still in her hand.

“Listen, I, uh… I know this ring meant a lot to you, so let me give it back to you,” she starts. Clint looks down at the band on the palm of her hand. He hesitates for a moment, thinks about taking the piece of jewelry that holds three white gems in it. But as he starts to reach out, he thinks better of it.

“No,” he says. “I want you to keep it.” He pulls his hand back and looks her into the eyes. “A reminder?”

Bobbi smiles sadly, lowering her hand as well.

“I don’t need a reminder to remember you,” she says calmly. After that, she kisses him on the cheek and heads out of the room as well. Clint then holds up his own hand, figuring it’s time. With an ache in his chest, he pulls at the wedding ring on his finger and he takes it off.

He can’t really explain what went wrong. During their time trying to chase down Underwood they just… fell apart, it seemed. He was always with Nat, she was always paired up with Lance. And after a while, they just realized they weren’t really looking forward to seeing each other in their room anymore.

Once Bobbi then announced that she was pregnant, but wanted the pregnancy terminated, they figured it was better to just split up.

Natasha knows about this, of course. She’s waiting by his chambers with her arms crossed and one foot against the wall. She looks like she’s calmed down a little bit, her face not as red anymore.

“You okay?” she asks once he nears her. Clint shrugs.

“I guess so, yeah,” he says. “You?”

Natasha just nods. When the door opens, she joins him inside. She still looks tense in a way, but Clint knows she would never hurt him.

“Do you… need a distraction?” she then asks. Clint turns to her with a frown, surprised by her words.

“Nat, no you don’t have to…” he starts, but when there’s a smirk coming up on her face, he realizes she wasn’t talking about _that_. “Oh, you want to kick my ass some more, is that it?”

Nat smiles at last, not seeming so tense anymore. Then she reaches out her hand, pulls his face up a bit and kisses his cheek. In the past year or so, they’ve been getting closer. It’s probably that what chased Bobbi off, he’s not sure. What he knows is that Natasha Romanoff has become some sort of younger sister to him, and he wishes to protect her with all he can.

So he throws an arm over her shoulder and together, the two of them walk off to the gym where they can fight their frustrations off.

They go to Russia two days later. It turns out to be a false lead. Instead, they travel all around the world. Fury seems insistent on having Natasha removed from the Underwood-case – to which there’s still little developments of. Sometimes they go on a mission together. Sometimes they go their separate ways.

And in 2008, Banner is found. Fury sends two agents his way, but it ends up in a disaster. The third of March, he announced that their search for the Hulk has been put on hold, and that it was considered a secondary matter.

In 2009, there have still been no leads on Underwood. Somehow, Natasha doesn’t seem so focused on finding her anymore. Clint is glad to see her loosened up like this. Fury was right, doing field work away from the Red Room seems to have done her good.

Until January 13, when Tony Stark disappears in Afghanistan. That’s when Clint realizes something.

Natasha knows Stark.

She doesn’t say what’s wrong, she only falls silent when she hears the news during a sparring session. After that, she hurries to the bureau to face Fury, insisting that she needs to be put in the field. He refuses.

“You can’t do that, Agent Romanoff. It’s an active warzone, and I cannot send any agents in that region,” he explains. Clint knows he’s right, but he also knows she won’t listen to him.

“I don’t care,” she returns. “I’ll go undercover, I’ll be a soldier if needed. Just let me go.”

“I don’t really understand your interest in Stark, agent Romanoff. Is there something we need to know?” he asks, clearly unimpressed by her. Natasha takes a shaky breath, probably making that the first time she’s showing any sort of emotion in that way. It unsettles Clint to say the least.

“No, there isn’t,” she returns lowly. Fury doesn’t look convinced, but he doesn’t press it further.

“Coulson is already on the case. He’s headed to California, meeting with Stane to get any information we can. In the meantime, I have another mission for you.”

“You can’t be serious?” Natasha whispers out. Fury looks towards Clint.

“Barton, you got any orders yet?” he asks. Clint shakes his head. “You’re off to Africa, the US Army requested help for their search of Banner.”

“But I thought that-“

“They requested it,” Fury urges on. Clint scrapes hit throat but then nods. Then, Fury turns to Natasha. “I want you in Iran. There’s a Nuclear scientist we want protected. We fear somebody might be targeting him now.”

Natasha sends murderous glares at Fury for that, but eventually she turns around to head out. Walking through the door, she accepts the file another SHIELD-agent hands her.

They next time Clint sees her it’s with her lying down in a hospital bed.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey, Nat, you okay?”

Natasha grunts painfully, her hands going up to her face, only to be stopped by some light resistance. Opening her eyes in confusion, she realizes it’s an IV. Carefully, she follows the lines until she finds a fluid bag attached to it.

The person who talked to her is Clint. He’s seated next to her, looking worried. Natasha makes a painful sound, realizing there’s something hurting her in her lower abdomen.

“What happened?” she asks with a raspy voice. Looking at Clint next to her, she finds him slightly sun-burned, with hair appearing fairer due to the sunlight it must have been in. He gives her a small smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“You were shot,” he explains calmly, though there’s a tightness in his voice that betrays how tense he is. “You know you’re not bulletproof, right?”

Natasha grunts, carefully putting her hand on her stomach and trying to feel the entry-point. Pressing it hurts, but she bites through it. It’ll heal quicker than normal, that’s just the way her body works.

She throws her head back, trying to think back of the mission. She had been in Odessa, Ukraine. Dr. Triano, who she had been guarding in Iran… they had to leave the country. Natasha had received some coordinates, and they were supposed to meet up with another team. But their car was… she can’t really remember. One moment, they were on the road, and the next there was some sort of explosion. Natasha found herself hurting all over her body. Dr. Triano had been in a state of panic, but she managed to pull him out of the car.

The had fallen off a cliff. It’s a wonder they hadn’t died from the crash alone.

Natasha had only a few seconds to realize the danger wasn’t over. She was shielding Dr. Triano when she realized a dark figure was approaching. With the sand in her eyes, she couldn’t really see much. And then, the next moment there was pain in her stomach.

That’s when she noticed the metal arm. The familiar stance of the man in front of him. The greasy, long brown hair.

His face was hidden behind a mask, but Natasha only needed to see his eyes to realize who it was. And it had hurt more than the bullet in her stomach. She had fallen on her knees, hands reaching for her chest. Unknowingly, tears were rolling out of her eyes.

“James,” she whispered out, and James gave her a short look before starting to walk off. Behind her, Dr. Triano had already lost his life, the bullet having reached his head as he had been on his knees. Natasha coughed, falling forward but reaching out with her hands.

James hadn’t paid any attention to her. He started off, climbing back up on the cliff without any trouble, as if it’s not at all difficult. But as his metal hand grabbed the stone underneath it, she let out a sob.

“James, please,” she called out, a bit louder than before. James once again hesitated before turning towards her. Then he let go of the cliff, marching back her way. There was no more gun in his hands, but he didn’t need one of those to kill her. Not anymore.

James kneeled next to her, and she crawled closer, her hand reaching up to his face. With careful fingers, she touches the mask, hooking her fingers underneath and starting to pull it off. Once she gets to see his face completely, the ache in her chest is even stronger than before.

Because James is alive. She shot him in the head, but he’s still there. There’s no scar, nothing to indicate the bullet entering his brain. But Natasha saw the blood. She heard the bang, she felt her finger pulling the trigger.

Unknowingly, her fingers started caressing James’ cheek, tears rolling freely out of her eyes, but despite that still a smile showing up on her face.

“You’re alive,” she whispers out. James just looked at her, confused. After that, he turned towards Dr. Triano, reaching for his shirt and shredding off a piece. Carefully, he turned her on her back, and he started binding the wound.

Despite that, there was nothing to be read in his eyes. He always had such articulate eyes.

“James,” Natasha whispered out again when she felt like he was going to leave again. His blue eyes met hers, then, face hard.

“I don’t know who that is,” he told her, voice sounding broken, as if he hadn’t had much opportunity of talking lately. After that, he started to get back on his feet. Natasha had grabbed out for him, but he was too fast for her.

She lost consciousness after seeing James driving off with the bike. And afterwards, she finds herself in medical, Clint sitting next to her.

“It’s a good thing you bound your wounds after you got shot,” Clint says, pulling Natasha out of her memory. She shakes her head, blinking a few times as she realizes where she is. She realizes her cheeks are wet, but Clint seems to ignore that bit. That’s why she likes him; he knows what she’s comfortable with, and discussing her tears is clearly something she wouldn’t want to do.

“Right, yes,” she returns instead, wiping her cheeks dry and turning her head to the side. There’s a glass of water there. Clint follows her eyes and gets up to take the glass from the table. Carefully, he helps her drink.

“Any idea who shot you?” Clint then asks. Natasha, who feels a lot better after having a bit of water through her throat, pushes the glass aside again.

“The Winter Soldier,” she says, the name hurting her entire body. She doesn’t let it show, but the pain in her stomach seems especially stronger because of it.

“The Winter Soldier? No way, that’s a ghost story, the guy doesn’t exist,” Clint returns. Natasha gives him a light glare.

“I know what I saw,” she tells him. “I fought him before. He trained me for a while.”

Clint looked at her with a weird expression before sighing. Then he nods, picking up the file that was next to the glass.

“Well, uh, while you were out nothing much happened. There’s still nothing new on the Stark-case, nor on the Underwood-thing. I’m sorry.”

Natasha sighs, looking back up at the ceiling as she takes the file in her hands. Paperwork that she gets to fill in. Great.

“Will you tell me? Your deal with Stark? I mean, you don’t have to, but if you want, I can promise I won’t tell anything to anybody.”

Natasha lowers the file on the bed.

“Back in the seventies… I was undercover as Howard Stark’s personal assistant,” Natasha explains. She trusts Clint, and he’s asking. She would tell him everything if he asked. That’s how much she trusts him, against her better judgement. “I was often on babysitting duty.”

“Wait, you knew Tony Stark when he was still a toddler? What was he like?”

Natasha smiles sadly, thinking back of the time. Somehow, things were easier back then, in a twisted way.

“He was kind. All he wanted was his father’s love, but Howard was always so busy… It was rather sad, actually.” She then sighs. “I met Peggy Carter back then, too.”

“No way, and she didn’t recognize you when I brought you in?” Clint asks in confusion. Natasha snorts lightly.

“Actually, she did. When she took me apart for a private conversation, she gave me the whole speech about keeping an eye on me.”

Clint laughs, too. All of SHIELD had been sad when they heard of the passing of Daniel Sousa. Peggy, in turn, has been taken in a home that specializes in the disease she has. When Natasha asked who arranged that, Clint said something vague about Stark, but never expanded on it.

“Well, in any way, Anthony trusted me, and after the mission was over I left him. I only had contact with him once after that. He probably thinks I’m dead now.”

“And that’s why you want to search for him? Because you feel like you owe him?”

Natasha shakes her head. “I don’t owe him. I worry for him,” she says. “From what I read, he lost his parents?”

“Yeah, he doesn’t seem too heartbroken to me,” Clint mutters in return. Natasha gives him a look.

“Your wife left you and you never cried about it in public. Nobody wants to broadcast their pain.”

Clint gives her a grim smile, but then he nods. They don’t speak anymore after that. Natasha takes a pen from Clint, and carefully she starts writing down her report of the mission. It’s sad that it failed, but it has given her an opportunity.

And a realization. There’s a woman she still needs to kill, after all.

After one week she’s released from Med Bay. She’s taken out of the active field, but she uses the opportunity to search through the computers. She re-reads all the files on the Red room, searches down every girl SHIELD has released in the past – a couple of them even date back to the late seventies, all the way back in Russia. It’s sickening, but Natasha is glad to read that each and everyone of these girls appear to have a pretty normal live now.

She searches through any patterns, sends out the team to possible warehouses, until they get to the point that she can return to the field.

It’s out of shier luck that they get her. To be fair, Madame B is old, age has caught up on her. It takes a difficult travel back to the original institute she was raised in for her to find it out, but eventually it happens.

After all, Madame B never really left.

As it turns out, the entire institute has many hidden rooms like the one James had been staying in. When they find her, she’s sitting on a chair, arms and legs skinny, face pale with a couple of dark spots coloring her skin. She’s holding a folder in her hands, smirking up at Natasha the moment she sees him.

“So you’ve found me at last,” she says in Russian. It seems to be her point to have the others unable to understand her. Natasha doesn’t really mind. She doesn’t say anything in return, though. The other agents stay out of the hidden room. It’s somewhere, deep in the dungeons. Mostly coincidental that they reached it.

Natasha puts her gun back in the holster. Slowly, she starts stepping forward, blinking a few times as she takes in the frail form of the 82-year-old woman. She’s dying, that much she can tell.

“I was wondering when you decided to come back home.” Madame B lowers her gaze, looking down at the file in her hands. “You always were my little star, after all.”

“This is not my home,” Natasha bites back, but she keeps her distance. Madame B only smiles wickedly.

“But it is,” she says. Natasha decides to ignore it.

“You made me believe I killed the soldier,” she says in return. “I remember pulling the trigger. I saw the blood, saw the wound.”

Madame B shakes her head.

“You only remember what we wanted you to remember,” she says. “We needed you completely detached from any form of emotion.”

Natasha pulls out a knife and throws it right next to the woman’s face. With a glare she stares her down.

“What really happened back then?” she asks with a low voice. “Did that ceremony even really happen?”

“Yes. Everything happened the way you remember it. Except for the fact that you didn’t shoot the Soldier in the head.”

There’s a shaky breath escaping Natasha’s mouth. She feels dirty all over, especially now that she’s back here, at the source of all her misery.

“You shot him in the chest. Only barely missed his heart. He survived, and HYDRA took him away again, erased the memory of you from his brain.”

“Just like you tried to erase the memory of him from mine?” Natasha snaps. Madame B shakes her head.

“No, we never intended to do that. We’re called Widows for a reason.” Madame B smiles a wicked grin. “Don’t tell me you were thinking your love for him was strong enough to resist the conditioning?”

“And the child?” Natasha grits out. She feels herself slowly losing her patience. She feels awful all over her body, ready to just throw the woman across the room and be done with her.

“You had it,” Madame B returns. Natasha’s eyes fly open then, alarm ringing in her ears. “You had a beautiful baby girl. She was a pretty little thing, too. Had your hair – though a bit lighter than yours, perhaps. And the soldier’s eyes. And both your strength.”

That’s when Natasha loses it. She sprints forward, her hand gripping Madame B’s neck and fingers tightening their hold.

“Where is she?” she hisses out. “What did you do to her?”

“The people you work for took her. But it’s maybe better you don’t know her; she’s older than you are, after all.”

Natasha pushes Madame B away, causing for the chair to topple over. The file is lying on the ground now, the woman who had been holding it letting out painful noises as she tries to sit back up.

“I wish those muggers had just killed me along with my parents. At least then I wouldn’t have had to meet you in the first place,” Natasha hisses at her dangerously, pulling Madame B by the hair. Her hand finds the woman’s throat again, but she doesn’t seem to fight back at all.

“Ah, my little star… your parents weren’t killed by muggers,” Madame B grits out despite the lack of breath.

“What?” Natasha asks, though already realizing where this is going.

“I killed them,” the old woman admits. “I wanted you for my own, so I pulled out my gun and I shot them on the spot.”

And if Natasha had already been burning on the inside because of all the revelations, now she feels like she’s about to explode. She lets out a long breath, looking into Madame B’s light, cold eyes. They never really showed much emotion after all.

It only takes a few seconds for her to realize what’s going on.

“You want me to kill you,” she says. It makes sense; why else would she be here? Why else would she be telling all of this? She’s dying anyway, and at least this way she’ll die by the hands of the murderer she created.

Madame B doesn’t respond, but Natasha doesn’t need her to. She lets go of Madame B’s throat and takes a few steps back until she hits the wall behind her. Madame B coughs as the air gets back into her lungs, her eyes looking at Natasha questioningly.

“What are you doing?” she asks. Natasha waits for a few seconds as she tries to think. Then, after a while, she reaches for her ear, pressing the button in the earpiece.

“Clint, do you copy?” she asks.

“ _I copy, what’s up?”_

“Can you bring me those handcuffs? And maybe a gag or something like that.”

 _“Are we bringing a prisoner?”_ he asks.

“Let them prepare the detainment center. The prisoner is a minor threat, but must still be handled as dangerous.”

“ _Copy that, I’ll be right there.”_

She’s only barely in time to stop Madame B from pressing that knife she threw earlier into her chest. She grabs for her hands, immobilizing her. Madame B screams, thrashing and kicking to break free, but Natasha’s hold is too strong.

That day, they bring the woman in SHIELD. That night, Coulson approaches Natasha with the news that they’ve located her daughter.

When they ask if she wants to know who she is, Natasha hesitates only slightly before shaking her head. Because Madame B is right. Her daughter, whatever her name is… she’s older than her now. It’s disturbing on so many levels, and it’s just better not to know, right?

“With permission, sir, I would like to start a search for the Winter Soldier,” Natasha asks Fury the next day.

“Permission granted,” Fury says, much to her surprise. “But I want you in the field, still. With Stark out there playing superhero, I need by best agents ready for any sudden missions.”

Natasha agrees. They shake their hands, and Natasha starts her search.

It’s only until the 11th of January, 2014, that her search seems to have led to something.

 

* * *

 

 

She’s born on the 12th of February, in 1974.

The moment she learns how to walk, they make her dance. She learns multiple languages before she can even properly speak Russian. They focus on English, making it her mother-tongue.

By the age of five, she realizes she’s stronger than all the other girls. She’s even stronger than the guard that’s supposed to watch her, which is why there’s always three of them. She’s too young to stop all of them at once, after all.

Madame B calls her her special little girl, claiming that she’ll be just as great as her mother. But she doesn’t know her mother. She doesn’t even know her own name. All she’s called is nicknames. Madame B claims that not having a name will make the job better.

The girl resists it, though. Whenever they put her up against the other girls, clearly older than her, Madame B expects her to put an end to them when she wins. But she refuses. Madame B always says she’s just as pigheaded as her parents. That doesn’t mean much to the girl.

Despite her fighting skills getting stronger, and her knowledge of languages being enriched every day, the girl doesn’t adapt to Madame B’s wishes. She doesn’t kill, she constantly fights the woman’s wishes, and it’s a testament to the woman’s patience and her insistence of having the Girl joining them. The woman gets angry, of course she does. More often than not, the Girl gets a slap in the face for disobeying, but she doesn’t let it get her.

She doesn’t really know which day they come; she doesn’t have a good knowledge of the days. One day, they’re just there. And the Girl watches how multiple people in dark uniforms, holding guns, storm inside the room and take down her guards. The one that is left standing, the Girl takes care of herself by punching him in the stomach. Once the man doubles over, she jumps on his neck and strangles him with her legs. He drops down on the ground, and the Girl gets back on her feet gracefully.

“What’s your name, little girl?” one of the officers asks. The girl gives him a long look before shrugging.

“I don’t know,” she says. “They never gave me a name.”

The man nods, saying something into a device. The Girl doesn’t listen to it. She starts walking out of the room to check out what’s going on there.

More of these people are standing there, other girls brought together. A couple of them are fighting and screaming, but others are hanging on to their rescuers. The ones fighting against it are quickly bound and carried along.

“Who are you?” the Girl asks. Suddenly, a woman walks up to her. She looks pretty, though old. The Girl likes her lip-stick. She was never allowed to wear it herself. If she would ask the woman, would she let her put some on, herself?

“We are from the SSR,” the woman says, kneeling down all of the sudden to give the Girl a wide smile. She looks kind, nice. “My name is Peggy Carter. What’s yours?”

Once again, the Girl shrugs. “I don’t have a name,” she says. The woman nods.

“When did they bring you here? Do you know that?”

“I was born here,” she returns. Then she looks down at her hands. “My mommy and my daddy, they were strong, and so am I. But I never met them.”

The woman, Peggy, suddenly takes the girl’s hand into her own, squeezing her fingers slightly.

“Don’t worry. You’re free now,” she assures her. The Girl blinks twice before tilting her head slightly to the side.

“Nobody wants me to kill anymore?” she asks. Peggy’s smile widens even more, and she shakes her head.

“Nobody wants you to kill anymore,” she agrees. The Girl then finds herself smiling for the first time since she can remember. Still holding Peggy’s hand, she waits for the woman to stand up, and together they start walking, out of the building. Out of the country.

Seated in the plane, she looks down to the surface underneath her. She accidentally breaks a couple of glasses whenever they offer her some water, but Peggy assures her it’s alright.

Once they land, there are a few doctors who look her over. After agreeing with the fact that she’s indeed stronger than the average child of her age, Peggy insists on taking her to a family, much like they’ve done with the other girls. The Girl hasn’t seen them, but she’s never really been friends with any of them, either.

“My new family, will they give me a name?” she asks then. Peggy smiles and gives the Girl a hug. It feels good.

“They will, and they’ll let you help choose, okay?”

The Girl smiles again, her lips as red as Peggy’s. With her orange hair put into two little braids, accessorized with two red ribbons and wearing a blue dress, the two leave the car they were in as they near the house they stopped in front of.

On the mailbox she can already read the name of the family she’s going to be a part of.

 _Potts_.


	7. Epilog

Natasha receives the phone call after she’s just got out of the jet. It’s warm outside. With her hair now shorter again, she can’t really put it up, meaning that it’s sticking in her face from the sweat. She quickly shrugs off her jacket and drops it on her bag.

“Yeah?” she asks once she picks up the phone. Not many people have this number. The line is secured, as well. She’s pretty sure of that, at least.

“ _I read the file_ ,” she hears on the other side of the line. “ _I must say, I just thought you were vaguely familiar, but to think that you were actually the one that babysat me? It’s a rather strange idea.”_

Natasha smiles despite herself. She quickly gestures for the workers that she can handle her own bag; she picks it up, throws it over her shoulder, and she starts walking. When she gets out from the building, she’s not surprised to find a certain king of Wakanda standing there.

“It was a risk, but I figured you were young enough back then not to remember me well enough,” she explained. She walks up to the King, and he nods at her without speaking up. Then he gestures for her to get inside. She quickly follows him, letting the air conditioning hit her full-force. It feels amazing.

“ _You’re not really that forgettable,”_ Tony mutters out. “ _Thank you, though. For allowing me to know this.”_

Natasha nods, despite knowing that Tony can’t see it.

“ _You’re trying to get back to him now, aren’t you?”_ he asks then. She knows he means James.

“You know I am,” she tells him.

“ _Because you still love him_.”

Natasha stays quiet. After that one time, she never really managed to say it out loud anymore.

“ _It’s okay. I mean, I’m not exactly lining up to befriend the guy, but… I can understand what it’s like to love somebody…”_ She hears Tony take a deep breath. “ _Have you never wondered about who your daughter is?”_

Natasha huffs out a breath, sitting down on a chair T’Challa points her to.

“Every day,” she admits. “Do you know who she is?”

“ _I do_ ,” Tony admits.

“What is she like?”

Tony’s quiet for a bit. Natasha patiently waits for him to speak up again. Meanwhile, T’Challa pours down a glass of water before directing his attention to a couple of papers in front of him. Natasha quietly thanks him for the water, and he gestures to her that it’s no big deal.

“ _She’s the strongest woman I know,”_ Tony says at last. “ _She’s smart, she fights for what she wants. She’s beautiful.”_

Natasha lets out a shaky breath, surprising T’Challa. When he looks up at her in concern, she quickly gestures that she’s fine.

“ _When she was adopted, she promised to herself that she would lead an absolutely normal life. Nobody knew about her strength. Not even her last boyfriend.”_

“Was that boyfriend a good guy?” she asks.

“ _I’m not sure. That’s up for debate,”_ Tony says. “ _I’m sure you would love him one day and hate him the next. Pretty much like us two.”_

“I never hated you, Tony,” she assures him. “But she’s happy now, right?”

“ _She is, now_ ,” Tony assures her. “ _Her life has stabilized a bit more now, no more weird things for her. Or at least not more than normal.”_

Natasha smiles, looking down at the floor. “Thank you, Tony,” she says calmly. Of course, she knows exactly who Tony’s talking about. There aren’t many women around that Tony would talk so lovingly about. But, somehow, Natasha doesn’t feel like knowing it makes her feel worse.

“ _You’re welcome, I suppose,”_ Tony adds. “ _I’m, uh, I have to go now, Dum-E is making a mess and it’s been a while since I’ve sent him in the corner.”_

Natasha snorts. “Goodbye Tony,” she says. After hearing Tony saying the same, she ends the call, dropping her arm and passing a hand over her face. T’Challa gives her a sympathetic look when he realizes the call is over.

“Are you alright, Miss Romanoff?” he asks. Natasha nods.

“Yes,” she says. “I’m fine, now.”

T’Challa nods, pointing at the hair. “The blonde is… different,” he says. It’s obvious he prefers a darker taint on her.

“Yeah, thought about brown or black hair at first, but… we met each other when I had blonde hair. I thought it might help him remember.”

T’Challa nods, putting his hands together. “He already remembers,” he says calmly.

“When did they take him out of cryo?” she asks, ignoring the tingling she’s feeling inside of her body. She can’t hope too much.

“Just a few weeks ago. It’s why I called you, too.” T’Challa stands up, walking towards the window. “My sister, Shuri, has traveled to a nearby village, on the inner border of Wakanda. It’s still safely concealed, so there shouldn’t be any worry of people finding him.”

Natasha joins T’Challa at the window, trying to see what he’s looking at. There’s the whole city in front of them, but just at the far borders, she can catch the little civilizations. The people that, according to the King, have decided to keep their distance from the more ‘modern’ society and have instead chosen for a life more in the nature.

“Has Steve seen him already?” Natasha asks. T’Challa shakes his head.

“No, Steven, along with Sam, Scott and Clint have remained in the palace. Shuri wants _you_ to be the first one to see him.”

 “Why me?” she asks. T’Challa just smirks.

“Because he asked for it.”

And Natasha stays quiet after that. Eventually, T’Challa, along with Okoye, lead her back to a jet that flies them to the border of the city. It’s a small little group, a couple of huts near a lake, surrounded by nature. It’s rather peaceful, clearly exactly what James needs. There’s a young girl in modern clothes already standing there, waiting for them to arrive.

Introductions are short. Natasha can’t help but let her gaze fly around, searching for James but unable to find him.

“Miss Romanoff,” Shuri starts then, slightly pulling on her arm. Natasha turns to look at the young girl, suddenly remembering Peter. She misses him, she quickly realizes. If only she could have talked to him as well. “He’s this way.”

Natasha nods, quickly following Shuri into the woods. T’Challa and Okoye stay behind, suddenly surrounded by a bunch of children that seem extremely happy to see him. Natasha clears her throat, smacking away a mosquito. Coming to Wakanda in the summer probably wasn’t her brightest idea.

Shuri doesn’t seem phased by it. She just guides her through the trees until they get to a little cove. There, Natasha can see a man pulling along some logs and throwing them on a cart. He’s dressed in red tunic, a blue sheet covering the lack of a left arm. His hair is put into a messy bun, his face clearly unshaven.

And Natasha’s breath catches for a bit as she sees him.

“Bucky,” Shuri says to get the man’s attention. Quickly, James turns towards them. When he notices Shuri’s not alone, he seems to freeze on the spot.

“Natalia,” he breathes out.

“I’ll leave you two, but I’ll be back in half an hour,” Shuri quickly says before starting on her trek back to the little tribe. Natasha watches her go for a short moment before deciding to face James again.

He looks better. His eyes are still stuck with so much sadness, but he looks much healthier, fuller in the face. Natasha hasn’t even noticed that he’s been walking up to her until he’s standing right in front of him.

“It’s really you,” James whispers out, his right hand reaching up towards her face. With every other person, Natasha would pull away, grab the hand and hurt the person attached to it. With James, she can’t do that. She allows him to touch her cheek, his gentle fingers passing over her skin as their eyes never leave each other.

“It is,” Natasha agrees, grinning lightly before it falls from her face again.

“I remember… not much of it,” he starts. “Did I hurt you? Or the baby?”

His hand leaves her face and goes to rest on her stomach, instead. She sighs, lowering her head before putting her hand on his. Gently, she squeezes his fingers.

“Our daughter is fine,” she assures him. James lets out a relieved sigh at that, tears obviously forming in his eyes. “She doesn’t know about us, though.”

The smile falls from his face again, instead confusion taking its place. “Why not?” he asks.

And carefully, Natasha explains everything to him. The lies Madame B made her believe, making her think that they stopped the pregnancy early rather than letting it happen and erasing her memory about it. She tells them about SHIELD finding their girl while both of them were in cryo. How she grew up while they were stuck in time.

How their daughter is now 42 years old, when they still have bodies of thirty-year-olds. And James cries, though never letting go of Natasha’s hand. When she’s finished, he leans his head forward until it’s resting against her shoulder.

“I’m so sorry,” he then says. “I should have known it was a trap. We should have left before the ceremony…”

Natasha shakes her head, letting her fingers pass through James’ hair. Carefully, she kisses his forehead.

“It’s not your fault,” she returns. “It’s Madame B’s. And she’s gone now. The Red Room doesn’t exist anymore.”

James pulls his head back, then, suddenly kneeling down in front of her. A beat skips in Natasha’s heart, and for a moment she questions what exactly is going on here.

But James just gently lifts up Natasha’s shirt and looks at her stomach. His eyes pass over the scar he left her with his gun. With all the gentleness in the world he seems to be able to muster, he kisses her softly on her scarred skin.

Natasha lets out a shaky breath. Her hands go back on James’ head, fingers through his hair, and she closes her eyes while James pays extra attention to her stomach.

“I can’t have children,” she then says quickly. “Not anymore.”

James pulls away, eyes sad as he looks back up at her.

“They… sterilized me, after I gave birth. They… made sure I wouldn’t have any more children.” She lets out a heavy breath. “After that, sterilizing the new Widows became the new graduation ceremony.”

James then suddenly comes to stand back up, though not removing his hand from Natasha’s stomach.

“I want to marry you,” he says. Natasha frowns. “I don’t want a big ceremony, don’t want too many people around. Just you and me.”

“James are you alright?” she asks, reaching up her hand to put it on his forehead. James quickly nods, pulling away from her hand.

“I’ve never been more serious in my entire life,” James then says. “After everything we’ve been through, all those years apart… we have found our way together again. And I don’t want to waste another minute not being yours. I’m done with it.”

“James, I don’t think-“

“I love you, Natalia Alianovna Romanova. In a very dark moment in my life, you were the one that brought humanity back into me. You made me remember things, made me feel things I had never felt before.”

“You didn’t remember me in Odessa,” she points out, hating herself for doing so. “Or in Washington. Or in Berlin…”

“But I remember now,” James urges on. He grabs her hand and puts it on the left side of his chest. Natasha can feel his heart beating underneath her fingers. “I remember now, and I want to remember forever. So marry me, Natalia.”

Natasha stays quiet, unable to come up with anything to say. She looks at their hands, touching, looks at the red robes he’s wearing. Looks at the tangled hair that, despite of everything still look so extremely soft.

She looks into his eyes, suddenly recognizing those eyes, having seen them in their daughter.

“Marry me,” James urges on once again. Natasha huffs out another breath.

“James, I-“

“Marry me.”

And Natasha presses her mouth shut. She pulls her hands loose, puts them on James’ cheeks, and she leans forward to gently kiss his lips.

“Alright,” she says. “I’ll marry you.”

James starts crying again after that. With one arm, he pulls her up from the ground, turning them around much in the same way Natasha’s seen couples do in movies. It’s tacky, and cliché in every way, and much to her surprise she loves every second of it.

That afternoon, the two of them get married by T’Challa, and much like James promised, nobody was there except for them three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure what I can say. I've had my ups and downs with this story, had great plans with it, only to realize that I didn't really want to write another long story after Being A Stark and Something About Peter. I tried to keep it short, had my chapters written out in short summaries before I started writing completely. It's mostly just the previous chapter that has been bothering me in its whole, but after three tries I've practically given up on that.  
> I surely hope that the epilogue has made up for that at least a little bit? 
> 
> Anyway, yes, in this story, Pepper Potts is the secret child of James and Natalia. No, it's never mentioned in the other two stories, mostly because almost nobody knows. Yes, during the events of Something About Peter, Natasha and James are in fact really married. Once again, that's not brought up, because I felt like the two of them wouldn't make such a big deal about it. But, you can surely expect a timestamp to come from when the team, and most importantly Steve, finds out at last!  
> I hope the story wasn't too crappy, and that you've enjoyed reading it. If there are any massive plot holes, don't be afraid to point them out, as I'll gladly try to fix them!  
> If it's related to the timeline, though, I'm not sure, since I've been breaking my head open and scouring through the WIKI to get everything a little bit in order. It took me a couple of headaches :')


End file.
